Page 56 of Bodybuilders for the BBW

“Take a deep breath there, Kick Arse Barbie.” Natasha turned to me. “What happened? Mandie said there was some dog…?”

“Bronson.” I took a long swallow of my wine. “He’s a shelter dog I’ve been looking out for.”

“Soul dog,” Mandie explained. “I started looking for another place for us to rent that was pet friendly, but it's insane out there right now.”

“No need.” I saw Garrett and the way he threw his body in front of Bronson and knew my work was done. They would find a way through this. “He’s in the right place now.” I met her concerned gaze. “Someone told me that it wasn’t my job to look after him, so…” I threw my hands up. “I’m not.”

“Just like that?” she asked in a smaller voice.

“Wasn’t that what you wanted?” I couldn’t understand why she was making a thing about this. “You told me.” I sucked in a breath, but before I could say his name, I saw Dave and his sneer. “Let's just say I’ve had a few people tell me how pathetic my obsession with animals is.”

“Pathetic?” Mandie plopped into the seat beside me, that wiry arm of hers holding me tight. “You’re not pathetic. There’s just too much love in that heart of yours and I get scared people will take it for granted.” Her eyes narrowed. “Who called you pathetic? Tell me and I’ll?—”

“Do you feel pathetic?”

We both turned to see that Natasha was watching us steadily.

“Um…”

A quick kaleidoscope of memories rose then, showing me all the moments when I was happily engrossed in something, only for someone to stand in front of me and put shit on me about it. I didn’t even get that they were mocking me at first. So lost in what I was doing, I didn’t even understand what they were saying at first.

That came later.

“I like working with animals.” That was like saying water was wet or the sun was hot, but I forged on. “Focussing on one doesn’t help, though. Bronson has been rehomed, and that’s the point of what we do. I’ll give it a couple of days and start volunteering back at the shelter again.” I shot Mandie a sidelong look. “Around the vicious gym schedule you’ve no doubt got planned. There’s a whole building full of animals that need my help and that’s what I need to focus on.”

“You didn’t answer the question. That’s what you’re going to do.” We both stared at Natasha. “I asked if you feel pathetic.”

Yes, I wanted to snap. Yes, of course I do. Dave wasn’t the first guy to sneer at me, and he wouldn’t be the last. The only thing stopping me from being a crazy cat lady was the landlord. Instead, I swallowed hard and smiled.

“Not pathetic…”

As everything went out of focus, the soft gloom of our apartment was replaced by the harsh concrete of the shelter. Even with the cacophony of barking, I felt this. A strange kind of peace that came from a cat purring as you scratched under his chin, or feeling a dog snuggle into you as he rolled over and revealed his belly for a big scratch. Animals were so much easier than people. No subtext, no inference, they either liked you or they didn’t, and those that did were always grateful for attention, as long as it happened on their terms. I knew their body language, their cues, and could respond without thought, restoring calm and then both of us enjoyed that hard won peace.

Of course, I couldn’t say all that.

“Peace, quiet.” My reply was lame, but it was all I had. “Contentment.”

“You would’ve been an amazing vet.”

I shook my head as I watched Mandie’s eyes get all misty.

“Shut up.”

“You would?—”

“Shut up, Mandie.” I stared her down because this was a fight we’d had so many times before. It wasn’t on the cards, and all I could do was move on. Just like I needed to move on from the situation with Bronson. “Look, I saw Dave today?—”

“No!” Mandie bounced on the couch, moving into a crouch. “Why the hell didn’t you lead with that?” She turned to Natasha. “He was the deadshit ex I told you about.”

“Because it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t matter.” I felt so good to say that. “I don’t miss him. I’m not mourning him. If I’m honest, I’m glad he’s gone.” I blinked and saw him and Felicity, and right then, I was most worried about the dog. With effort, I shoved that memory aside. “But he said what you did, Mandie.”

“He did?” My sister shrank back in horror. “OK, whatever it was, I take it back. I take it back!”

Another slow sip of wine and I was ready to continue. It felt like my mind was joining dots together that I’d never made connections between before.

“I like helping people, and that makes it really easy for them to take advantage. Assuming people will return my energy has not worked well for me so far. New year, new me.” I stared my sister in the eyes. “That means I need to start doing things differently and put myself first, not spending all my time looking after someone else’s dog.”

All of it sounded logical to me, so why did I feel this wrench in my chest at the thought of it? I scratched my breastbone absently and Natasha noted that.

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