Page 57 of Bodybuilders for the BBW

“But that’s not who you are.” Hands landed on my arms. “I love how much you’re prepared to do for other people,” Mandie said. “I just want a guy in your life, or guys.” Her mischievous grin had me shaking my head. “That give back as much as you give them. Someone’s gotta fill your cup when you’re busy filling everyone else’s.”

“Well, I’ll tell you when I find one…”

That was supposed to be a definite statement. Instead, my voice trailed away. Never show a second of weakness around Mandie, I knew that, and of course, she pounced.

“You did find one.” Her finger hovered in the air. “Nurse guy!”

“His name is Garrett.”

Shit, I hadn’t meant to say that.

“Garrett.” Mandie flopped back against the couch. “Is he the one that adopted the dog? He did, didn’t he? See, that means he’s perfect for you. Does he have a nice house? Is he a good cook? You’re a Taurus, so you need those things.” I rolled my eyes because the idea that my personality was shaped by celestial bodies seemed completely ridiculous. “Is he into you?” I sucked in a breath to answer, but the fine flush on my cheeks had her beating me to it. “He is, isn’t he!”

“If you shut up for just a second, I’d be able to tell you he asked me out.” For a second I let that memory wash over me and that felt infinitely warmer, sweeter than anything else that happened today. “To the Smiling Samoyed Brewery?”

She clapped her hands together.

“That would be perfect?—”

“I turned him down.”

When Mandie’s face fell, I wondered if I’d done the right thing, but then I remembered my vow. How the hell could I properly judge if someone was worth letting into my life if I didn’t spend some real time getting to know myself? So I told her that. Silence fell over the room, so I took the opportunity to snag a piece of pizza.

“You know what your problem is?”

I rolled my eyes at Mandie’s retort.

“I have an overly invested younger sister who thinks way too highly of her own opinion?” I asked.

That had her making a rude noise in response.

“You read way too much into all this shit. You know what I always wanted for you?”

I grabbed another slice of pizza, suddenly starving. My inability to eat all day was now kicking my butt.

“Oh, do tell,” I said.

“You never got a chance to just play the field.” I froze mid-chew. Mandie was sweet and operated like an overly caffeinated squirrel most days, but she was also like a baby elephant when it came to people’s feelings. She’d tread all over them and wonder why you were left bleeding. “Just go on lots of dumb dates with random guys and get a sense of what’s out there.”

Because people didn’t ask me out, I wanted to shout, and I couldn’t even put that down to being fat. There were plus sized influencers everywhere that were beating guys off with a stick.

“To not get so caught up in things. To have fun.”

She didn’t realise she was coming from a place of privilege when she threw her hands up in the air. We had the same mother, the same father, but somehow when the genetic dice was rolled, she came out gorgeous and I… I was just me. There was a reason I’d put up with Dave’s shit, and it wasn’t a pleasant one.

Because no one else was interested.

I felt like it was answer his booty calls or let my hymen grow back, re-virginising me.

“Go out with all three of these guys.” Mandie was really warming to this idea. “Go and have fun. Let them fall all over themselves in an attempt to get your attention.” Her elbow jabbed into my ribs. “Do it for the plot.”

“Can we just watchThe Notebooknow?” I asked. “I want to watch Ryan Gosling make mad declarations of love.”

“Noah is completely toxic,” Natasha said, settling in with a pizza box of her own. “Hassling her into dating him by threatening to kill himself?”

“It’s romantic.” I let out a sigh. “Find me a guy that will write me a letter every day for a year and renovate my dream house and I’ll date him.” I snuggled down into the couch cushions. “Noah or nothing, that’s what I want.”

After the movie was done,the wine drunk, and the pizza boxes put away, I went to bed feeling wrung out and empty. It was the ending that always killed me. The actors that played the young Noah and Allie were amazing, but it was the older versions of the characters that broke my heart. Dementia was a part of life, but the filmmakers did an amazing job of turning that into a one, two gut punch. I flopped into bed, then reached for my phone, ready for a quick doom scroll to reset my brain before sleep.

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