Page 76 of Her Wolf of a Duke

Her lip trembled at the comment. Dorothy had always seen herself as the least beautiful in the group, sometimes going so far as to say that she was the ugliest lady in theton, but Emma did not know why she saw herself that way. Emma had always thought that she was beautiful, and that her kindness shone through her and made her radiant. She did not deserve to have heard such a dreadful thing said about her.

“Oh, Dorothy,” Emma sighed, “you mustn’t listen to gossip. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“But it does. I know what thetonthinks of me. I am plain and uninteresting, which is precisely why I was so excited to see that a gentleman could show interest in me. I had felt so pretty for the first time in my life. I know it is selfish, but when he looked past Cecilia and Beatrice and came straight to me I thought it meant something. All it meant, though, was that I so clearly do not have any options. In that respect, I suppose that I should be grateful for the arrangement that has been made.”

“You do not need to be grateful,” Cecilia argued. “You must never see yourself as unworthy, especially when you would make a wonderful wife and mother.”

“Motherhood will be nice,” Dorothy nodded, her soft smile returning. “I know that we see ourselves as more than mere wives, but now that it what I will soon be, I must say that there will be good in it. I have always wanted to be a mother, and now I can be.”

Emma hoped, as she tried to ignore the ache in her chest, that Dorothy’s husband would want children. After all, she had not been so lucky and it pained her to think about. She would never know what it was to hear the rush of feet coming to her, to then be faced with smaller versions of herself, or to hear a child laugh and find glimpses of her own in it.

She hoped that Dorothy, in spite of her own situation, would.

Emma returned home that evening with a quiet upset in her stomach. She did not want to discuss the matter of children with her husband again. She could face the knowledge that she would never have them, but she at least wanted to know why. As she entered the dining room, however, and saw him waiting for her at the table, she couldn’t help but sit beside him in silence. He was trying, and she wanted to be grateful for that and nothing else.

“How is your friend?” he asked.

“She is well, all things considered. She does not know who she is to marry, but there are… some good things too. Things that will make her marriage worthwhile, she hopes.”

“And what might those be? I for one cannot feel anything but pity for her.”

“Well, you see, she has never liked the marriage mart. She has never enjoyed any of it, especially all of the talking and flirting and having to be the most notable person in the room. She prefers to go unnoticed, and she has always said that she willnot fare well with her match but that she did not mind that too much. At least, now that she is to be married, she shall be done with all of that.”

“Is that how you felt? I know that you were never a wallflower, that much is easy to see, but were you pleased to be married regardless?”

“In a sense, I suppose so. I had hoped to at least see Sarah married before I was, if that ever happened at all, but with how some matches turn out to be I must admit that I am pleased that we are the way that we are.”

“As am I. I must thank you, Emma. I know that this has been difficult for us both, what with the circumstances around our match, and my mother, and my expectations, but you have taken to it so well. I admire you for that.”

He truly was being good to her, as best as he could, which made Emma feel emboldened to ask for more. He was right; she had made sacrifices for him, and she hoped that he would be willing to do the same.

“Thank you, Levi,” she said carefully. “I will say, though, that my time with Dorothy today has made me realize something, and I wish to discuss it with you.”

He stopped eating for a moment and looked at her expectantly. Emma took a breath, unsure of how to say it.

“When Dorothy was talking about the life she was now expecting, she mentioned that it would be easier when she had children, and I was wondering–”

“No.”

Emma froze, looking at him. He had been trying, and she had thought they were in a better place than before, and she had thought that because of that he might listen to her. That did not, however, seem to be the case.

“Levi, this must be a conversation, not you telling me something and me simply agreeing. That is not how marriages work.”

“It is how this one does. I gave you my terms before our wedding, and you had the choice to not go through with it.”

“It was hardly a choice. You know I did what I had to do.”

“Did you have to? After all, that Baron was still showing an interest in your sister in spite of the scandal and you knew that. You chose this life, and you cannot expect me to change my mind about something I have wanted for years simply to make you feel more like your friend.”

Emma pushed her plate away, no longer interested in eating, and rose to her feet. She went to walk away, but she turned back at the last second, facing him again with a furious look in her eyes.

“You may conform to what your friends do, but that is not who I am. We all know that your wonderful friend is a rake, and apparently you wish to follow in his footsteps. But you will not claim that I am doing the same. I have always wanted children, but not because it is what is expected of me.”

“Really? Then why do you want them so badly?”

“That is none of your concern, it would seem, as you are unwilling to even talk to me about it being a possibility in the future.”

“Good, then our discussion is done. You feel how you feel, as do I, and there is no changing it.”

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