Page 79 of Her Wolf of a Duke

“Father claimed it would be a waste when he could make an arrangement with a friend. If we were silent, he said, that would be enough for them. Perhaps that is why my sister and I could never be quiet. We were hoping that we would not be thrown to one of our father’s terrible acquaintances.”

“Is that why your sister’s predicament frightens you?”

She nodded, sighing as she closed her eyes and tilted her head back.

“She has always dreamed of a love match, and I had promised to find her one. I hoped that she would find one before my deal with our father came to an end. I still had time, more than a year, before my father should have stepped in, but he was too impatient. This is why I hope she finds love with Lord Rosendale. Of course, of the two suitors, he is undoubtedly the best for her, but if she does not marry for love then I will have failed her.”

Levi shook his head firmly at that.

“You haven’t failed her, no matter what happens. You are the best sort of sister. You put your own life to one side to help her, even if it led to you thinking you would never marry. I know that you wanted a married life, and you were willing to put that aside just so that your sister could have the best possible match. If your sister doesn’t find love, that is not your fault. It wouldn’t be anyone’s fault, except perhaps your father’s.”

She seemed to reluctantly agree with him, and that was enough.

“Fathers,” she sighed, looking at the ceiling with a watery chuckle. “I can see why you dread the thought of being one. Fathers are cruel and mothers are absent. Perhaps that is the real curse?”

“Emma, I know we need to talk about this.”

“We do, but not tonight. I have been enjoying my time with you, and I like to think that you are of the same mind. Perhaps, tonight, after all that has happened it might be best that we do something that we enjoy?”

“And what might that be?”

“We could go on another treasure hunt. I certainly enjoyed the other one.”

“Oh, did you now?” he teased, remembering the flushed look on her face, as though she had wanted to kiss him.

“I did, although it might take too long to create. Another time, perhaps?”

He nodded, and then his face fell. All he could think about was what he had done, and the guilt and shame he felt as a consequence. She could have been so much more than an unloved duchess.

Except she wasn’t unloved, not really. He had been falling for her all along, which he supposed was even worse as nothing could ever come of that. He couldn’t love her, not if he would only hurt her eventually. It had always been better to keep the walls around him piled high, so that she couldn’t break them down and hurt herself. It had been for her sake, he protested, and never his own. It would have been selfish if it had been for himself.

Except he knew better, and that at least a small part of him had been thinking of what had been best for him. It was all he had ever thought of since becoming duke. Caring for his mother as a boy had never gotten him anywhere, after all.

“Do you think I am selfish?” he asked suddenly.

“No, I don’t. If you were, you wouldn’t have married a spinster simply to save face. You would have known that your reputation would recover, as those of men always do, and left me with my father. You wouldn’t have tried so hard to forget what your mother did to you, either. I can see it, you know. Your mother does too, and I can tell that it makes her feel dreadful.”

“I don’t want her to feel that way anymore.”

“Then there is your answer. You, Levi, are not a selfish man.”

“But one day I might be. I do not know how long it will take, but it is as though this curse is chasing me, and one day I won’t run fast enough and it will catch me and— and you will hate me for the person I become.”

Emma looked into his eyes, and he sat up beside her. She took his face gently in her hands, smiling kindly at him.

“How much life do you suppose you have missed by being so afraid that you’ll eventually be cruel?”

“A good amount,” he confessed. “Especially now.”

“Well then, how much more of your life are you willing to lose?”

A silence fell between them as he thought about what she had said. If he had been right all along, and one day he woke up and was this awful and evil thing that he saw his future self as, would he regret having lost so much good? Would he wish he had at least enjoyed life while he could?

And what if he had been wrong? Could he afford to sit and wait for a day that never came? His head began to ache with all of the questions that he was asking himself, but when he looked down at his wife everything settled again. She brought him peace, even if she also brought him a great deal of stress too, at times.

She was close to him, agonizingly close, and as he admired her he noticed how her lips were parted ever so slightly, and they drew him in. He wanted desperately to kiss her. Did she want the same? He did not wish to ruin the moment, the quiet stillness of them sitting alone together in the drawing room.

“It is quite late,” she whispered. “I believe we should retire to bed soon.”

---