Page 29 of Older Cowboy

“There’s nothing about grief that’s crazy. It has its own timeline and its own currents.”

“Yeah? I feel as if I’ve been taken under by a riptide.”

Callie let loose a snort that had her covering her mouth, but Erika didn’t mind. She even smiled at her.

“Erika, you should know that everyone finds new stuff scary sometimes. Not everyone jumps into new adventures with both feet. You’re not alone in that.”

“I’m pretty alone when it comes to how long I’ve been putting off taking any next steps in the romance direction.”

“Maybe,” Callie conceded. “But only you can take the next step in your own journey. That means only you get to decide when and how that might look. People can offer you all the advice in the world, but all of it’s up to you. Only you.”

Her friend might not be telling her anything new, but how she put it rang in a different way for Erika than it ever had before. So many of her loved ones had encouraged her to let Blake go, but they weren’t the ones who actually had to do it. She was. That had made the task feel insurmountable to Erika, but now, while difficult, it no longer seemed impossible.

She gazed at Callie, so grateful the woman had come to work in her brother’s office. That didn’t mean, however, that Erika was ready to drop the bomb of leaving the RN position on her friend. Not now. Not yet.

“You think Cody will talk to me if I call? Or maybe I should text?”

“You know him better than I do,” Callie pointed out. “But he doesn’t strike me as the type to hold a grudge.”

He wasn’t. Or at least, he hadn’t been. Who knew how the man would react after how she’d been dangling the fishing line in front of him only to snatch it away at the last minute? Not that she’d intentionally treated him like that, but she couldn’t deny that it was an accurate description.

“You’re extremely talented when it comes to cheering people up,” Erika complimented her friend. “Do you know that?”

They hugged, and Callie snickered. “I try. And don’t think I can’t grasp what it’s like to be in a relationship that’s rocky. When I almost lost Zeke, then he had amnesia, it was just…” Her friend stared into space as she took a deep breath. Then, she shrugged. “Before that, he’d shut me out of his life because I brought up Essie and his late wife. He couldn’t bear to discuss it, and he didn’t get past it until after he woke in the hospital.”

“I’m the one who mentioned that to you,” Erika remembered.

“Yeah, and well, I suppose he considered it more of a secret than the rest of the town. He acted angry that I dared to bring it up. Ironically, if Zeke hadn’t gone through his accident—and his recovery—I’m not sure what would’ve happened with us.”

“I apologize if I complicated stuff between you two. I never meant to do that.”

Callie shook her head. “I complicated stuff just fine on my own. But one thing I learned the hard way is that grief and mourning is different for every individual person. When Zeke let himself experience the sorrow he’d been burying for years, it improved his outlook for himself and ultimately, for us as a couple. It was necessary in the overall scheme of things. It was tough, but I believe in concentrating on the silver linings.”

That was certainly true. Somehow, her friend could perceive the identical circumstances as everyone else and always choose the most optimistic viewpoint. Erika loved that about her. She’d needed someone like that, and even though she wouldn’t be working with Callie much longer, she planned to make sure that they maintained their friendship no matter what.

Erika realized that she and Zeke had something in common. Would it take suffering some horrible medical emergency for her to get her head on straight? She hoped not. She loved her late husband and always would. Erika would never stop recalling her time with him, her marriage to him, and not think of it fondly.

But she’d been keeping herself stunted and stifled. Ever since her breakdown in her car, Erika had been trying to dream up some strategy that would enable her to make a decision, even though no epiphany had come.

It occurred to her that she could simply go directly to the source. Why not?

So, as she and Callie parted ways, Erika didn’t head home or to run errands. She didn’t aim toward her parents’ house and certainly not to the Cantrells. No. She instead drove through town to another location she was exceptionally familiar with.

The Rocky Ridge Cemetery.

On the way, she saw some wildflowers growing along the side of the road and collected the bunch of white yarrow that was so plentiful in this region. She carried it to the vase she kept on his grave. This wasn’t the first time she spoke out loud to Blake, nor would it be her last. But it was the first time she’d broached this particular subject.

“Hey, babe,” Erika said as soon as she could make out the simple cut of the smooth pale gray limestone. She positioned the bunch of yarrow so that it laid right next to the vase that held the silk flowers Nikki and Bruce brought, then traced the words chiseled into the stone.

Blake William Cantrell

Beloved Husband and Son

He had been beloved. He would always be beloved.

“Say hi to everyone up in Heaven for me.” This was part of her script, as well. Yet the next part wasn’t. “I’ve met someone.” Why it was so hard to say that handful of words, she had no clue. “And the thing is that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make it work if I can’t recover from losing you. I’ll never ever stop loving you, but I know it’s time for me to move forward. I need that.”

Her vision became blurry as tears filled her eyes. Great. She’d somehow morphed into a living fountain lately, which wasn’t like her.

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