Page 21 of Older Cowboy

Erika paused long enough to pick up on the shocked gazes around her. Tim and Julie stood in different directions not far away, but they must’ve heard every word she said because she’d unintentionally roared it at the top of her lungs.

“I…” For once, Callie seemed at a loss for words. “I didn’t know that.”

“I know you didn’t,” Erika answered in tones better suited for indoors. She’d already forgiven her friend for the cupcakes. It was Callie’s need to snoop into her personal life that grated.

“Is Cody diabetic, too?”

Erika had narrowed her eyes at her workstation, but at that, she whipped her head up.

“Not to my knowledge. Why?”

“I just…” Callie shook her head. “I still don’t understand. You told me all these wonderful things about your coffee date with him. I’m trying to figure out why your willingness to go out with Cody altered out of the blue.”

“He…” Now she was the one stumbling over her words. “He makes me uncomfortable.”

“How?” Everything about Callie’s features became cautious. Watchful. Worried, even. “Did he do or say something nasty you haven’t told me about?”

“No.”

“Do you think he’d hurt you physically?”

“Oh, no. He’d never do anything like that.” She didn’t get that sense at all. Cody Stiers was a great guy. He just wasn’thergreat guy. “The situation in general is what makes me uncomfortable. I’m the problem.”

“What situation?” Erika had to think how to put this, so she stepped into a nearby exam room and busied herself with straightening the already tidy jars of tongue depressors, cotton balls, and gauze dressings.. “I know this will sound weird, but just dating is the uncomfortable situation. I shouldn’t be doing it.”

“Because of Blake?”

“Yeah. Exactly.”

Then, for the first time, Erika fleetingly discussed her late husband with the woman who’d become such a close friend. Callie listened carefully to her every word. About their impromptu wedding in a cheesy chapel in Vegas. About how young they’d been and the time that had passed. At lunch, they went out together and Erika even told her about the Friday dinners she regularly went to at her in-law’s house.

Callie remained uncharacteristically quiet throughout the rest of the workday. Oh, she handled all the crying children and worried parents. She handled dealing with appointments with her patience and calmness intact just like she did every day. Yet with Erika, she seemed more distant than usual. Or maybe she was simply being contemplative.

By the time the day finished and they were closing up, Callie latched onto her arm and walked her to her car. But when she glanced into her friend’s eyes, all Erika found there was sympathy. “I’m sure losing a husband like that is beyond comprehension to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. I almost lost Zeke, so I can imagine the devastation such an event would leave in its wake.”

“Thanks.”

“But Erika, I hope you’re not using that to keep yourself from being happy now. Maybe Cody could be the one to make you happy again or maybe not, but I hope you give yourself a chance by being willing to explore that. Someday, at least.”

On autopilot, Erika replayed her friend’s advice over and over on her way home. Only after she braked to turn into her driveway did she change her mind and keep driving. She felt unsettled, almost untethered by Callie’s last sentiment, like a balloon drifting into the atmosphere for parts unknown.

Ultimately, it boiled down to a single question: Was she keeping herself from being happy?

She’d never actually asked herself that, never questioned the decisions she’d been making as she’d gone about her day-to-day life. And in a way, it was no wonder. How could she consider her own happiness after being widowed so abruptly? She’d grieved. She’d mourned. And all that had not only felt necessary, it’dbeennecessary. Of that much, she had no doubt.

But what good would it do Blake for her to refuse to have a night out on the town?

It wasn’t like she was marrying Cody. They weren’t getting engaged or even anywhere near serious. She’d balked from a dinner date with the man that might not have even gone as well as their first. Why?

This was the only time she’d ever reflected on her motives. What damage could a single dinner possibly cause?

She’d been making so many strides in her professional existence. She’d gone to school and kept gaining the education and promotions she needed until she’d become a registered nurse. Then, she’d pursued the highest qualification any nurse could have by chasing after her nurse practitioner’s license, a designation that put her nearly on par with medical doctors.

That was ambitious by anyone’s estimation. And she was proud of the time and effort she’d put in. She was determined to make a positive difference in this world by helping to end diabetes in childhood, or to a bare minimum, permanently stabilize the condition. Stop it in its tracks so it couldn’t rob any other person of their significant other or their child.

She’d done that and was continuing to do that. Yet she’d consistently barred herself from dating. Even after it went remarkably well. Even after there had been something between them. Potential. Cody could become her next close friend.

Or possibly more.

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