Page 83 of Always Been Yours

“What’s its name?” I ask with a small shrug and a smile.

“Duckie.”

“That’s cool,” I say. After a second, I add, “Why?”

“Pretty in Pink,“ Knox answers with a chuckle.

I turn toward him again. “The movie?”

“Yeah. He loves it. Especially Duckie.”

I look at them with confused amusement and turn back to the kids. “Good taste, bud.” He beams at me in response.

“Can I get a gecko?” Daisy asks.

“No,” I shake my head.

She pouts for three seconds before asking sweetly, “Can I go see the gecko?”

“Duckie,” Matty says.

Chuckling, I nod. “Sure, go meet Duckie for ten minutes. Wash your hands before and after.”

They walk down the hallway, Stella and Jake tentatively following behind them. Jake says something I can’t hear but I do hear Stella whisper-shout, “You’re sodumb!“ Jake laughs at her response and Stella flicks his forehead before walking into Matty’s room.

I turn back to Knox and Lucas, embarrassed about their encounter. “I’m so sorry she called your son dumb.” They don’t look mad at all, if anything slightly amused, so I add, “And flicked him,” with a chuckle and shake of my head.

“Don’t worry about it. He can be a little shit sometimes—as most little boys are. He recently got brave enough to sayshitand we made the mistake of laughing in surprise.”

Knox shakes his head, “Now he knows he isn’t really in trouble no matter how hard we try.”

I place my hands on the chair behind me. “How did he use it the first time?”

Lucasactually snorts. “We were at Subway for lunch afterhechose to go there. I don’t know what was wrong with his sandwich, but he decided he didn’t like it, so he muttered, ‘I didn’t realize I ordered a shit sandwich.‘”

I don’t try to hide my laughter as they both tip their heads back, practically howling at the memory. It reminds me of the time Vivi was ten and shouted ‘motherfucking shitballs‘after losing a game of who knows what to Asher. It was really only the beginning for her.

But watching Lucas and Knox deal with the uncertainties of parenthood makes me realize that I missthat.I don’t miss Arielle and I don’t miss our marriage. But I do miss having someone to laugh with and vent to. Someone who gets it because they’re feeling all the overwhelming emotions you are toward your child.

My chuckle dies off and I look down at my feet. “Stella’s been acting out lately. I’m not surprised considering… everything.” I wave my hand in the air for emphasis. It feels weird and wrong to open up about the struggles I’m having but since moving back, I’m trying to do better by what the girls need. Not what I’m comfortable with. “Not with cursing. She likes making a buck off of that, so Jake better be careful.” They laugh lightly but don’t interrupt me. “She’s bordering on the line of disrespectful, sometimes slipping her toe over just enough to make a point without warranting a more severe punishment.”

Lucas nods his head in sympathy, but his parents are together like mine. I understand the divorce from a relationship point of view, not from a child.

Knox looks unsure for a second before he decides to say what’s on his mind. “Grady, it’s going to be hard. I was angry foryearswhen my parents got a divorce.“ I’m taken back by the knowledge.Knox often talks about both of his parents, but I guess now that I think about it… never themtogether.“I was suspended from middle school multiple times for fighting. And those were only for the times I was caught. Even after I started playing baseball more seriously in high school, I was still making a lot of stupid choices because I was so fucking angry.”

I don’t know when this is supposed to get better or what the big lesson is supposed to be, but I don’t say that. He must see it written on my face though because he continues, “When I started dating Lucas,” he begins, tipping his head toward his husband, “he kind of gave me an ultimatum. It sounds bad but it wasn’t. Therapy or we break up. It was good. It wasneeded.And it was long overdue.”

I nod, too dumbfounded to say anything more.

How have I not thought about puttingbothof my daughters in therapy?

It may not have saved my marriage to Arielle, but it definitely helped us get to the somewhat amicable situation we’re in now. I need to tread lightly here, knowing that Stella can often feel spooked and will close herself off. But I can barely process my own emotions sometimes. I can’t imagine how overwhelming this all must be, especially since moving to a new state and introducing a boatload of new people into their lives.

Arielle and I made this choice so the girls wouldn’t be alone and would have support. So, I’m going to keep my promise and look into child and family therapists tomorrow.

Fri, Oct 7 at 8:02 P.M.

Vivi

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