Page 30 of Betrayal & New Beginnings

“But he brought you to our family lunch, so it’s clearly more,”Willasaid, andIcould tell she was fishing.Shewas way off though, soItried to explain to her.

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now, andWadeonly sees me as his best friend’s little sister,”Itold her.

She looked at me for a minute as the smile on her face grew impossibly bigger.

“Honey, any time you are within seeing distance, he can’t take his eyes off you, and just saying, but he hasn’t brought a girl home ever,” she started to say and then looked towardWhitney. “He’stoo afraid to do a relationship after that bitchCandace.”

There was so much to unpack in that comment thatIwanted to know more about but didn’t have a right to ask.Instead,Ijust tried to wave off the significance of him bringing me, sinceIknew the only reason he’d brought me was because of what happened at the pub yesterday, butIdidn’t want to have to explain that to his sister.

“God,EllieI’msorry.”Wade’swords startled me back into the here and now. “Nexttime just let me have my nightmare but don’t come near me to wake me, okay,” he said, andIrealizedIhadn’t reacted to anything he said whileIwent back to the conversation with his sister the day before.

He’d probably mistaken my silence for being upset with him or even agreeing with him.

“Is this why you don’t date anyone?”Iasked.Hestared at me in confusion for a brief second beforeIexplained. “Yoursisters told me as much.”

He huffed and rolled his eyes but brought them right back to me with such seriousness.

“My sisters meddle where they shouldn’t, but yes,Candacemade me realize thatIcan’t do attachments, not untilIget the nightmares under control,” he said.

“Are you seeing someone about that?”Ipressed, knowing that some people who had served didn’t want to admit they hadPTSDor see a therapist because they didn’t believe it would help.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’dlike to be able to help my sister out with her kids sometimes, butI’mtoo afraid to fall asleep and have a nightmare around them right now.”

As soon as he said it, he looked away, as though he didn’t really want me to know that part but it just kind of slipped out.Ilook at him and realized he was such a good man but was so afraid that his nightmares made him into a monster.

“Your ribs likely aren’t fully recovered yet andIalmost broke you all over again.God,I’mso sorry.”That’swhat he’d said to me just a few minutes ago.

It occurred to me he was comparing pinning me down on the ground just now to whatRandalldid to me over a month before.Helooked so distraught over it,IknewIneeded to set him straight and make him realize the two were not the same.

“Wade, look at me,”Isaid as sternly asIcould to make sureIhad his attention. “WhatRandalldid to me was on purpose.Hedid that with the sole intention of hurting me.Whatyou did to your ex, and what happened just now, was an accident and out of your control.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he interrupted. “Istill could have hurt you, andIdidhurt her.I’ma soldier,Ellie.EvenwhenI’masleep, my body is trained for combat, so whenIfight, that response is fight to kill.”

I heard what he was saying, butIneeded him to understand that there was a difference.

“I get that, butIalso disagree,”Iemphasized. “Theintention of the act absolutely does matter.”

He looked away from me like he disagreed, but also didn’t want to keep discussing this.

Looking at him,Irealized he was everythingIhad ever hoped for in a boyfriend.Sexy, kind, protective, and smart.Thekind of manIhad always imagined.Buthe was never going to open himself up again—too afraid of hurting someone else.

He saw himself as damaged goods.Iunderstood that.Ifelt that whileIwas withRandalland even afterIleft him.

Thanks toKatie, and evenTammyandWadeeventually,Ifound that other people saw me differently.Theysaw the good in me, even whenIcouldn’t see it myself.Iwanted to be that forWade.Iwanted to make him realize what a good person he was, despite hisPTSD.Ialso wanted to show him thatIwasn’t scared of him and thatIwasn’t scared to be with him.IknewIhad to be the one to initiate it, though, because he never would.

I lifted myself from sitting on the floor to up on my knees and crept closer to him, where he was sitting on the couch with his elbows still on his knees.Hishands were on either side of his face as he looked down, and his legs were spread shoulder-width apart.Helooked up at me and tracked me asIgot closer.Imoved to position myself between his legs, my face just a few inches from his.Ilooked at his mouth briefly and licked my lips, remembering what he tasted like, and then looked up at his eyes to see heat in them, but also concern.

“Ellie,” he said in a low growl as he lifted his elbows off his knees and put his arms on the edge of the couch.

It was definitely a warning, but the way he growled my name like that,Ifelt that deep in my core.Iknew whatIwanted, and in that moment,Iwas going to make it happen.Inpart becauseIwas selfish, and also becauseIwanted him to see thatIknew he wasn’t a monster andIwasn’t afraid of him.

I put my hands on his knees and moved my face to within an inch of his, staring into his eyes.

My heart raced, andIfelt my breath pick up asIfocused on him—really seeing him.Hewasn’t perfect, but neither wasI, not by a long shot.Lookinginto his gorgeous milk chocolate eyes,Isaw something beyond the hesitations, the uncertainties.Beneathit all, he was a good man.Aman who cared deeply about his friends and family, was a hard worker, a protector, and carried the potential for something great.

I took a breath, my mind made up.Iwas taking the next step, and if he wasn’t quite there yet, that was okay.Iwas ready for the both of us.Andmaybe, just maybe, we could help each other heal.

I leaned forward slowly to at least give him a little warning and put my mouth to his.Atfirst it was me kissing him, and after a few seconds of him sitting there frozen,Istarted to second-guess my decision.Inthe next instant, his hands were on either side of my face, thumbs along my cheeks and other fingers in my hair, and he was pulling my face, angling it to the side, and then he took over the kiss.Hetook full control.Histongue was now in the mix, and he tasted fantastic.Icould get drunk off his taste.

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