Page 31 of Escape to the Country

My cakes didn’t turn out too bad at all for a first attempt and I was pretty proud of myself. While they were cooling, I decided to go over to the allotment and make a start of some sort, as it wasn’t going to do itself. I’d bought some seeds and wanted to put them in the shed. I felt like it needed a good clean before I went in there – it was full of cobwebs when I’d popped in before, and I wasn’t a huge fan of spiders so I went armed with a long broom. But when I arrived, and went to open the shed padlock, I noticed that it wasn’t locked. I must have forgotten to close it properly when I was here with Alex. So I was really surprised when I poked my head through the door and it looked completely different to the last time I’d been in there. The door was now attached to the shed frame by some new hinges. There was already a broom right by the door and it had definitely been swept out. All the cobwebs had gone and it was looking clean and tidy. The pots had been put in one corner and there were a few packets of seeds on the side. There was a huge bag of potting compost by the door and I picked up the packets of seeds and noticed that there was a note propped up against a small radio which hadn’t been there before either. I turned to the light to read it.

I know how much you hate spiders and I couldn’t risk being doused in another hot coffee, so I got rid of them all for you! Hope you feel better about your new kingdom now it’s a bit tidier and you have something to listen to while you work! Alexx

Oh wow! How thoughtful. He knew about my fear of spiders because once when we were teenagers, he had pretended he had something in his hands and I told him not to come near me. He kept on teasing me and I told him if he came any closer, I’d throw the hot cup of coffee I was holding over him. He didn’t believe me and came that one step closer. I had warned him though and he squealed like a girl when I threw it. I’d told him I would though. He ran off into the farm fuming and yelled, ‘There was nothing in my bloody hand anyway, you daft cow!’ Clearing out the shed for me was such a lovely, kind gesture that made me realise what a bloody lovely bloke he was and I loved him just a little bit more than before. As a brother figure, of course.

In the past, my Saturday afternoons were filled with shopping and working, yet I found spending time on the allotment today was so much more fulfilling. The sun was starting to go down so I decided to stop working. I’d been there for hours and as I stood and surveyed my surroundings, I was actually starting to see a difference. There was now a small but whole square of land that hadn’t got any weeds on it at all, but my shoulders ached liked hell and when I got up I felt like an old lady. Nothing that a soak in a hot bath wouldn’t sort out, I was sure. I couldn’t wait for the days when I could come here to pick some veg for tea. I’d be so proud of actually growing my own produce. I never thought it would be something that would appeal to me but it really did. Everyone needed a hobby. When I worked I didn’t think I needed one. I just seemed to work all the time and didn’t really do much else. It had been years since I’d sung, and I’d practically given up music, because Jamie didn’t approve.

I was really enjoying myself these days just doing simple stuff that I would never have thought was my cup of tea. Perhaps when my veggies were ready I could take some to Mr and Mrs Darby, and Stuart too. And I could share them with Mum… I hoped I would have a good crop! I smiled as I wandered back over to the barn and watched the full sunset from the arched window of my bedroom while I waited for the bath to fill. It was absolutely stunning and I felt so very peaceful. What a difference to my life just a few weeks ago, which was packed full of events, work and constantly being on the go. I warned myself not to get too comfortable though; it was only temporary until I found something else back in that corporate world. Weirdly, that thought didn’t fill me with as much joy as it once would have.

While soaking in the bath, I pondered on just how much my life had changed over the last few weeks. That chain of thought brought Jamie back to mind. Was I going to meet him or not? I still hadn’t made up my mind. But I knew that I was curious. I suppose it helped that when we were together Jamie and I were the same and we never minded working all the time because we were both doing it. We even used to sit in bed on a Saturday morning, drinking coffee and reading trade magazines. But now I’d started doing other things, I felt like I’d been really missing out.

The things I was doing now, that Beth had always done, I’d always felt were completely boring and dull, yet these small tasks that Beth had got me to cover for her had fulfilled me more than my previous work role ever did. I was a little embarrassed if truth be told, as even though I didn’t mean to, I must have shown my disdain to Beth on the rare occasions that we met up or spoke.

I even thought that I was happy on my own. Because I felt that my father had let me down before I was even born, it had taken me a while to trust in a relationship, but I met and fell head over heels in love with Jamie and I did put my trust in him… only for him to prove me right about my fears. After Jamie had let me down, I vowed that I’d never trust anyone in a romantic relationship again. I’d put him and the thought of anyone else to the back of my mind. So why was I constantly thinking about Jamie since he’d been in touch? I decided that there might be only one way to get him out of my system once and for all.

* * *

I always thought that arriving early to a meeting gave me an advantage over walking in last, so I arrived at the pub early before the Monday after-work rush started and got myself a prime seating position so I would be able to see him when he approached the entrance. Now I was here though, I was really not sure if this had been the best idea after all, because I could hear my stomach gurgling with trepidation. I was really nervous. Oh God! He was here and about to walk through the door.

The bell above the door tinkled, and I pretended to be on my phone, but before I knew it, he strode across the room and was standing literally two feet from me. I looked straight into those baby blue eyes, which crinkled up in that oh-so-familiar way as a smile spread across his face. I stood and hesitated, a little unsure of how to greet him, but before I could decide, he grabbed both my elbows, leant forward and kissed me on both cheeks before I had the chance to back away.

‘God, you look gorgeous, Madison. Even better than before. You have a healthy glow about you, absolutely stunning. What are you drinking?’

In shock over how familiar he was, I said that I’d already got a coffee, so he went off to the bar to get himself a drink. It gave me time to study him. He looked well too. He’d lost a bit of weight and was looking lean and fit, his clothes fitting him well, especially his trousers. He turned and saw me looking at his backside and grinned and I excused myself to go to the ladies’ as soon as he returned to our table. I stood with my back against the toilet door, my heart thumping so loud it felt like it was on the outside of my body. My hands were shaking and I knew I really needed to get a grip before I went back out there.

It was time for my superhero pose. I always felt like a complete twat when I did it, but apparently scientific studies had proven that if you stood with your hands on your hips and your head tilted upwards, in a superhero stance, before either a job interview or a big presentation or a really hard task, then not only would you feel significantly more confident, you would perform measurably better. Well, that’s what it said once onGrey’s Anatomyand I’d never forgotten it! And it worked too. Every single time.

My breathing began to slow right down and after a minute or two it returned to normal, and right now I felt like I could take on the world. So I was certainly ready to take on Jamie.

* * *

‘It really is good to see you, Maddy, you’ve been on my mind so much and I’ve wanted to get in touch so many times but didn’t know whether to or not. But then I thought, what’s the worst that could happen if I did? And the worst thing was that you might have said no, so I’d be in exactly the same position. So, I bit the bullet and wrote you that note. I’ve never stopped thinking about you and wishing that things had been different between us before I fucked it all up.’ He did actually look ashamed, I was glad to see, as he blurted all this out. I sat in silence and just looked at him. In the past, I would have started to fill the silence with words reassuring him that it was OK, when it wasn’t, just to make him feel better, but I needed him to know not just how much he’d hurt me but also how much I’d changed.

‘I know it was entirely my fault. You were such a good influence in my life and I know it’s all down to me that we’re not together any more. I miss you, Maddy. I’ve missed you since the day I left. Things have never been the same since.’

Saying nothing seemed way more powerful than saying anything that could have been misconstrued. I gave him a stare that Paddington Bear would have been proud of.

‘I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I’m, erm… I’m sorry.’

There they were. The words that I’d waited to hear for so long. The words that I had felt would be life-changing. The words that were coming three years later than they should have. And the words that actually, now I was hearing them, meant nothing at all. And there was nothing about the pregnancy. My baby. It was almost like he’d completely forgotten about something that I would never be able to forget.

‘Jamie, three years ago, those words may have been much nicer to hear. Now, they mean nothing. Why did you want to meet me? Shall we get to the point?’

‘I wanted to meet you because I wanted you to forgive me. I’ve been feeling bad about how things ended between us and wanted to put things right. And I love you, Maddy, I have missed you more than I could ever tell you. I’ve never stopped loving you, Maddy, even though we’ve been apart. I’d love us to be friends again and maybe eventually even become a couple again. I know that won’t be for a while, and that I have to earn the right to have you back, but I’d really like us to try.’

He seemed totally genuine, but I could just imagine what Beth would be saying if she were sitting here right now.

I looked deep into his beautiful big blue eyes. Eyes in which I used to get lost forever, and I could feel myself falling deep into them once more. He smiled at me and his eyes twinkled as he reached across the table with his hands.

Hesitating at first, my hands joined his as if they had a will of their own. Those big, smooth, powerful hands that I knew so well, that had caressed my body so many times, were intertwined with mine and it felt familiar and it felt right. It was bringing back lots of warm fuzzy feelings, and my heart was starting to thaw as I remembered just how much this beautiful man sat before me had meant to me in the past. An ache deep in the pit of my stomach reminded me of just how much I’d loved him, and it made me wonder whether I could possibly love him again. Looking deep into those eyes, even though my head was sayingno, don’t do it, my heart was saying that I really wanted to try.

More confused than I had ever been before, I told Jamie that I had to go as I had an appointment to get to. I just needed some space to think, to put everything into perspective and try to work out what I really wanted. When we parted, he hugged me close to his chest.

‘There’s never been anyone that’s come close to you, Maddy. Never!’

I had no idea how to answer that. How do you respond to someone who has let you down so badly, but who you loved with everything you had? Did second chances ever really work? There was only one way to find out, but was that a route I wanted to go down? I hadn’t a clue what I wanted right now.

* * *

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