Page 15 of Escape to the Country

When I popped back upstairs to say goodbye, Leila had climbed back onto the bed and was lying next to her husband, snuggled into his shoulder. Ron took my hand in his. ‘Thank you, Maddy, you really have made my day. I’m so looking forward to reading these books. I love a good murder, the more gruesome the better. And Lei loves all these bloody daft romances that you’ve brought her too. Hope there’s no saucy books in there. I don’t want her getting ideas and ravishing me. I don’t think my heart is up to it these days.’ He winked at me and Leila just laughed at him.

‘I cannot thank you enough. This suitcase is full of photographs and we’re going to spend the day looking through them. What a delight.’

‘Is there anything else I can get you?’ I asked.

‘No thank you, dear,’ smiled Leila as she patted her husband’s hand. ‘I have everything I will ever need right here in this room.’

I swallowed down another lump in my throat and thanked them for their time. They thought I’d done them a huge favour, when in fact, it was totally the other way round. Letting me into their lives was a true reminder that what to some was just a small task in a day could be the most important thing in someone else’s world. If only more people knew about this service. There must have been lots of people like the Darbys who needed company and would have liked someone to pop some books into them. I could really appreciate the value of the community outreach programme now I had seen the joy it could bring for myself.

Today, in just a short time, I felt like I had done something worthwhile. I hadn’t felt that sense of satisfaction since being made redundant.

I offered to let myself out so that they didn’t have to move, and as I picked up the box of books to be returned and closed the front door gently behind me, I heard Leila and Ron reminiscing over treasured memories and years gone by.

* * *

As I closed the gate, I looked again at the overgrown garden and mused about what a beautiful house and garden this must have once been, when a thought popped into my mind. Young Russell from the kennels was always saying that he wanted to earn some extra cash; he was hardworking and keen. I wondered whether he might like to come and mow the lawn and give the garden a tidy-up. I was sure they’d appreciate it. I’d be happy to pay him to do it; it would be my treat to the Darbys for brightening up my day and showing me what love could be.

My mind was working overtime as I drove back to the library, although I was returning with a lighter heart than when I’d left first thing this morning. My father had suddenly popped into my mind.

Father. It was a strange word to me. My biological father had never been a real father to me. He’d certainly never been a dad. I wondered whether the word ‘father’ really applied to him at all.

Even though Mum and I hadn’t talked about him for years, it didn’t stop me wondering about him and imagining what it would be like if I ever met him. I didn’t even know if I’d ever want to. He came to me in dreams quite often, although I could never see his face. I walked past people in the street and wondered if he looked like them. PerhapsIlooked likehim. Did I resemble my half siblings – if I had any? Was there a whole new family out there I knew nothing about?

And then there was Mum to consider. How would she feel if I ever did want to contact him? Did she ever wish that I hadn’t come along and spoilt everything for them? Would they have stayed together? I wondered if she regretted having me. Would they eventually have had a different family? Would they be like the adorable Darbys that I’d just left? It was all totally mind-blowing when I opened myself up to the questions.

Perhaps I needed to open a new notebook and start a list with all my questions in it. It might be cathartic to get them all out of my head. It was giving me a headache and also sleepless nights.

But did I really want to know the answers to my questions? While it was still all unanswered, I didn’t have to deal with it. And let’s face it, I’d managed for this long perfectly well without a dad, so I didn’t really need one. I had Mum, after all, and she’d been everything to me all my life even though I’d neglected her in the latter years. I suppose there was a part of me that made me totally self-sufficient, the same way that Mum did, as that seemed to be the only way that you wouldn’t get hurt. I knew though in my heart that at some point we’d need to talk more about it. It was just about finding the right time.

If only I had a name, I could have done some digging around on Facebook. But then again, if I found someone, it would open up a whole new can of worms. And was it really what I wanted? I could never undo it once I’d started, which was why I’d never gone further in the past. Maybe it was better just left buried.

Oh God! I just didn’t know. It was way too confusing for this mind to take right now. Good job really that I didn’t have to think about high-powered executive work at the moment too as I’d never be able to concentrate.

Rebecca saw me struggling to balance the box of books. She came and held the door open for me, bringing me back to the present.

‘How did it go?’ she asked.

I couldn’t stop myself as I burst into tears. I seemed to be so tearful lately.

‘Emotional, isn’t it?’ She put her hand on my arm and guided me over to the office area behind the counter and made me a cup of tea.

‘They are such a lovely couple, and in their old age they have everything they could ever want.’ I couldn’t find the words to explain how much the Darbys had melted my heart and made me feel really melancholy.

‘Thank you for your help today, Maddy. I did wonder whether we’d still be able to offer this service with Beth being off. I’m so grateful to you for stepping in.’

‘Is that it? Can I help some more? Can I do it again?’

Rebecca laughed. ‘Of course you can, Maddy. Let’s go and check the rota and see if there are any other visits this week that need covering. We truly are grateful for your help. We’ve just lost a support worker who has got a fulltime job, as well as Beth’s operation affecting us, so you coming along is perfect timing.’

‘It’s me who should be thanking you, Rebecca. Today has really helped me to feel valuable again. Since I was made redundant, I’ve struggled to find my place in the world. I only knew work. I was a proper workaholic, too. Would you mind if I took a look around the library while I’m here?’

‘Of course not. Help yourself. Are you a reader, Madison?’

‘I haven’t been for a long time. I used to read lots when I was younger. Always used to lose myself in a book. Perhaps I need to start reading again for pleasure. My mum is such an avid reader. I sometimes wonder how she ever gets anything done around the house when she’s always got her nose in a book.’

‘Ah well, there’s nothing better than a good book to take you away from everything. You should try it. You’ll see.’

I meandered around the library and chose three fiction novels to take home in different genres just in case I didn’t get on with them. One was a fluffy romcom, another was described as heart-breaking women’s fiction and the other was a psychological thriller. I wasn’t promising to read them all, but I’d give it a go.

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