Page 47 of Escape to the Country

Theo stood as I arrived and I didn’t quite know what to do next. Did we nod at each other, high five, bump fists, shake hands, kiss cheeks? I hadn’t a clue. He took the decision out of my hands and gently kissed my cheek.

‘Hello, Theo. Hi, Mum.’

I gave Mum a hug and walked round the table to sit opposite her. Theo sat too and immediately launched into a speech that he clearly couldn’t wait to get out.

‘Madison, can I just apologise profusely? I, and we, never for one moment intended for you to find out about me the way you did. It was the last thing either of us would want. Josie and I were working out the best way to tell you. And we hadn’t come to a conclusion. I am so, so sorry. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world. I promise you that.’ He looked genuinely sad when he said this, and my heart reached out to him. ‘You must feel like you can’t trust us, but I promise that you can if you let me make it up to you.

‘Before anything else though, I do feel that I owe you an explanation. I’ve gone through it with Josie’ – he leaned over and touched her hand – ‘and now it’s time for me to explain myself to you.

‘When I met your mother, I was in a very dark place. I’d met my wife Jean at school and we just seemed to drift into marriage. It was never a huge passionate love affair but it was a comfortable life. But then Jean became ill and was finally diagnosed with ME after many years of us not knowing what was wrong with her. She suffered with severe depression because of it, and to be honest, I was suffering with depression too but was too busy to deal with it at the time because I was looking after her. I worked hard all day and then was her carer when I came home at night. I was extremely fond of her. We rubbed along OK.

‘From the moment I laid eyes on your mum, I fell madly and passionately in love with her, and that love just grew and grew. Being with her was so very different from being with Jean. I felt so bad for not telling your mum that I was already married and I also felt so guilty for having an affair, but I was young and stupid and mixed up. I thought that Jean wouldn’t realise that I wasn’t in the places that I said I was. I never thought that she’d suspect I was seeing someone else, but the night that I went home after your mum told me that she was pregnant, I don’t know how, but Jean knew. She offered me an escape, but I couldn’t possibly leave her. By that time, she was in a wheelchair and couldn’t even get herself dressed. What sort of man would I be if I left her? But then what sort of a man was I for leaving your mum in that predicament? I couldn’t win whichever decision I made. But I knew that your mum had her parents, who I thought would help her. Jean had no one; her own parents had died years before, which was probably one of the reasons why I felt that we should marry in the first place. If I’d left her she would have literally been alone, and I felt like I owed it to her.

‘I’ve never forgotten Josie, or you. I wondered about you both every single day of my life, the moment my eyes opened every morning. What had happened to you after I’d told you that we couldn’t be together? Whether you hated me? What did you look like? What sort of person would you turn into? Would not having me in your life affect you? Did you ever think of me? Would I ever get the chance to put things right? Or would I die never knowing you? The questions were eating me up inside.’ Tears were trickling down his cheeks and he didn’t even seem to notice. I looked at Mum and she smiled through her own tears. This was so hard for us all.

‘When Jean found out she was dying, she made me promise to find you once she’d gone. She never would tell me how she knew. I thought I’d protected her from finding out. But I suppose there’s always the potential for secrets to come out.’

I looked at Mum, and she was biting the inside of her cheek and looking down at her hands, where she was fiddling with her bracelet. I looked back to Edward and he looked deep into my eyes. Eyes that were my own, looking back at me.

‘I know I’ve never been a father to you and you might choose to never forgive me for that. I know that I can never make up for all of these missed years, but I would love, if you would let me, to be a part of your future, and if that’s a small part, or a big part, I would love nothing more. Josie and I have already discussed things and if you want me to walk out of both of your lives then I will, though it would cut me to the core. But that decision is yours and we both respect that whatever you say goes.’

I still hated the fact that they had not told me that Edward – Theo – was my dad, but before I knew these new facts, I had thought he seemed like a really nice man and I was finding it hard to change that view now.

At this point, Beth’s words came back to me. I could either be bitter about everything that had happened and the fact that he’d missed out on so much of my life and I’d missed out on having a father and be miserable, or I could make my peace with the past, and move forward with him in my future. I thought about the lists I’d made and how the pros outweighed the cons and right now, as I looked into my father’s eyes and saw love and sincerity and honesty and affection looking back at me, I made my decision.

* * *

The shrill ringing of my mobile on the bedside table later that evening woke me. I rarely had an early night but was exhausted after all the complications of the day. I looked at the time. It was 10.45p.m. I’d only been asleep for an hour. The phone ringing at that time of the night though nearly always signified bad news. ‘Maddy, Maddy, you have to come to the hospital straight away. It’s Theo!’

‘I’m on my way, Mum.’

‘Hurry, Madison. They think he’s had a heart attack.’

I’d never got dressed so quickly in my life. With hair sticking up everywhere, I threw on a tracksuit, sent Beth a quick text to tell her what had happened and drove like the clappers to the hospital, breaking every speed limit on the way. So much ran through my mind as I pulled up in the A&E car park. I ran through the double doors where Mum was waiting for me and I flung myself into her arms.

‘What happened, Mum?’

‘He collapsed, clutching his chest. They think he might have had a heart attack… He’s being checked over now.’

My own heart was beating so fast, I thought it might burst outside my body. How ironic, if anything happened to Theo now I’d found him and that mum was finally happy. I raised my head to heaven and silently asked everyone in my family who had ever died to look after Theo and prayed that he wouldn’t be taken away from me now. How I could miss something that I never had was beyond me, yet I felt it to be true.

‘Ms Young?’

‘Yes, that’s me,’ Mum replied, petrified of what this nurse was going to tell her. It was after midnight by now and we were both anxious for news.

‘I just wanted to let you know that Mr Knight has been checked over fully and he’s absolutely fine. It wasn’t a heart attack, thank goodness, it was just indigestion. Would you like to come through and see him?’ She looked at me. ‘And you are…?’

‘His daughter, I’m his daughter.’

Mum smiled and took my hand.

‘Can I come too?’

‘Of course, dear. Follow me, please. I believe Mr Knight had curry for his dinner late last night. It would appear that curry doesn’t suit him at all so I would advise against it in the future.’

As we walked into one of the cubicles, there was Theo, sat, looking very sheepish. And so he bloody should. Mum threw her arms around him and looked like she never wanted to let him go. We were both so relieved that he was OK.

‘Has this happened before, Theo?’ Mum quizzed him.

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