Page 45 of Escape to the Country

‘So you do forgive him then? I’m not sure I ever can.’

‘I think I have forgiven him. I’ll never forget what happened; it shaped our lives. But I think you have to forgive to move forward. Forgiving someone is not about letting them off the hook for what they did, it’s about freeing yourself of all those negative emotions and the hurt that can destroy you so that you can finally find some peace in your life. Not forgiving someone makes you bitter and angry at the world and I don’t want to be those things any more. I’ve been those things for long enough. Forgiving gives you strength to carry on and have a normal life.’

‘So how do you feel about him now?’

A huge sigh escaped from her lips. ‘It’s like there hasn’t been nearly forty years between then and now. He seems to be the same man that I fell in love with all those years ago. He still makes me laugh and he still takes my breath away every time I look at him. I wish he didn’t, but he does.’ A tear trickled down her cheek, and I went to sit next to her and took her hand in mine. I was still angry with her and him, but she was my mum and I loved her dearly, and I would never want to see her in pain.

‘I never once thought that you’d still love him.’

‘Neither did I.’ Mum rested her head on my shoulder and I pulled her close as she sighed again. ‘What a blinking mess, eh?’

If she had chosen to forgive Theo, perhaps I should consider forgiving them both. If I did, maybe then we could all move forward. I just wasn’t sure that I could.

* * *

The need to talk things through with Beth was overwhelming. I’d stayed away for far too long, making excuses because I didn’t want her to quiz me over Jamie. I knew she would work me out straight away. But right now I needed my bestie to chat to. When I knocked on her bedroom door, she yelled, ‘About bloody time! Get your arse in here, bitch!’ Which sure broke the ice.

‘Do you know what that was like for me? All that shouting going on and I hadn’t got a bloody clue why. Now get your arse over here and tell me what the fuck is going on.’

I poured out the story from start to finish, leaving nothing unsaid. The whole Jamie business came out, and I told her about Theo too. Beth was always the most practical person I’d ever known. She just got right into sorting out a problem without all the dramatics that most people generated.

‘So let’s start with Jamie, shall we? That’s quite easy to sort out. Do you love him?’

‘I like being with him.’

‘But do you love him, with the whole of your heart? Do you like the person you are when you are with him? Can you forgive him for what he’s done to you? May I remind you that you caught him shagging someone else in your bed? Just in case you had forgotten.’

‘I hadn’t forgotten, but cheers for reminding me. I don’t know if I love him and whether I’ll ever be able to forgive him, but I think that I want to try. Perhaps working together and being together will be the making of us.’

‘OK, well, I think you are a complete fucking idiot, but you’re my fucking idiot and if you want to try to make it work with him, then do it. And I’ll be here if it goes tits up again, to pick you back up. Problem One sorted. Now onto the very important matter of Theo.’

I smiled at how matter-of-fact she was. She wasn’t actually as mad about Jamie as I thought she’d be; perhaps she’d already got an inkling.

‘So, you’ve always pretended you were OK without a dad in your life, and you kind of adopted mine, which helped massively, but deep down you were always sad that your dad wasn’t around, weren’t you?’

‘I suppose so.’

‘OK, so, now your dad is here and you don’t know whether you want him in your life or not. Is that right?’

‘Yep, I suppose so.’

‘So, Mrs List-Maker. Let’s make a list. Get your notebook out.’ God, she was bossy! Beth knew that I always carried at least one notebook around and I got one out and a pen and she instructed me to draw up two columns. One was titled ‘No Theo’ and one ‘Yes Theo’.

On the ‘No’ list I wrote:

Never had a dad so not really missing out on what I never had

I might hate having a dad in my life

I might still yearn for a dad in my life

On the ‘Yes’ list was:

Mum and Theo might become a couple

Theo could give me great advice

I might LOVE having a dad in my life

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