Page 10 of Escape to the Country

Redundant.The word was so harsh, so final. I looked it up in the dictionary and it said that the definition was:Not or no longer needed. Superfluous to requirements. Unwanted.

I couldn’t imagine crueller words. No wonder my self-esteem had taken a bit of a dent.

I’d found the transition between working all the time and then not having a permanent job really hard. My phone never rang. My emails never pinged. God, it was so quiet and I wasn’t used to it at all.

Right now, I felt as if I was worth absolutely nothing. And I kept coming back to the question of why Ronington’s hadn’t fought harder for me to stay. How could you give your all to a company only for them to just get rid of you at the drop of a hat? I was devastated that I’d been treated this way after everything I’d put into the business. Didn’t all those hours and all that dedication count for anything? I clearly couldn’t have been the person I’d thought I was. Perhaps I was just deluded. I obviously wasn’t capable enough for them to want or need me. I must have been totally useless for them to let me go completely. I must be, or surely the hair company would have taken me on and the gym job would have worked out. I’d never felt more confused or let down, and I didn’t know if it was me or them.

And then there was the guilt I felt. Could I have done more to help our jobs survive? Had I let people down by not doing enough to keep things together? Was it all my fault? Poor Alice; I’m glad I didn’t blurt all of that out. I didn’t want to burden her too much, so I was glad those thoughts were all in my head.

‘Do you know, Madison, I’ve learned that there are two ways to look at everything since I lost my Des. You can sit and wallow, or you can see everything as a chance that’s been given to you, that some people never get… and that’s what I’ve chosen to do. While we think we are having a bad time, there are others in the world who are taking their last breath, and I try to remember that and be grateful that I’m still here with a life to live. I firmly believe that we owe it to those not as lucky as we are to live it to the full. And for you, my dear, yes, this must have come as a terrible shock, but maybe when that wears off, you’ll see it as an opportunity to do something different with your future.

‘I’m going to visit my sister Emily in a week’s time in Australia. She’s been there for years and has sent a ticket for me to go over. I’ve never been before and I am so looking forward to seeing her. Although my blooming dog-sitter has just cancelled on me, but sorting that out is my job for today and once I’ve done that, then I’ll be packing and off! Des wouldn’t want me to sit here and dwell on it. He’d say, “Alice, you can have a pity-party, but get it over and done with quickly, and until we meet again, go and enjoy your life. Don’t be sad at what we had; smile and think about all those wonderful memories that we made.” I can just hear him saying it now.’ She smiled. ‘Life has a funny way of showing you that it’s for making memories, and perhaps now is your time to make some new ones.’

I thought hard about the last time I’d made a memory that wasn’t work related, and couldn’t for the life of me think of anything.

We finished our tea and I said that I must get home, not that I had anything to go home to or for, but I felt like I’d already taken more of this wonderful lady’s time than I should. I bent to stroke Baxter and he licked my hand. He really was a sweetheart. I told Alice that my best friend Beth ran a doggy daycare business and might be able to look after Baxter while she was away.

We exchanged phone numbers and I told Alice that I’d speak to Beth and be in touch. She gave me a gentle hug as we said goodbye. For the second time recently, I was reminded of the fact that people didn’t touch me very often. I lived alone and didn’t really see many people, and a hug was a rarity. It was actually really rather nice.

‘Be kind to yourself, Madison. You’ve had a massive shock and some major things going on in your life. Be easy on yourself.’

As I walked home I wondered if the universe was way cleverer than we gave it credit for. Whether people came into your life at a time when they were meant to for a particular reason. Alice had made me feel that perhaps being made redundant wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but maybe it was just a chance for me to have a bit of a shake-up of my life and make new memories of my own. And that thought actually didn’t seem quite as bad as it had an hour ago.

I went home and threw a ready meal into the microwave. I knew that now I had more time on my hands, I should be eating more healthily, but right now I didn’t have the energy to cook. And I was pretty rubbish at it anyway. Flicking through the TV channels made me realise how I didn’t really follow anything on TV, so I opted for the first Bridget Jones film; I’m not sure whether it made me feel better or worse, but it did make me realise that crap happened to Bridget too.

5

When I woke the next day, reality hit me again. I had no job, no income, no purpose; I felt like I had no identity. I needed to do something about it.

The one thing I did have right now was time. For the first time in what felt like ages, I put on my dressing gown and slippers, plonked myself on the sofa with a bowl of cereal, grabbed the remote control from the coffee table in front of me and put on morning television. I didn’t normally sit down and eat breakfast, maybe grabbing a protein bar, sandwich or a low-fat flapjack along with a skinny latte from the local drive-through Costa or garage on the way to work. There was a feature on the show about a woman who had been the victim of domestic violence for years before one day murdering her abusive husband. I wondered what on earth the catalyst had been that had tipped her over the edge. Her friends came on the show, talking about how they’d known that something was going on but that she wouldn’t admit it, which got me thinking about how long she’d put up with his behaviour and their backstory. It made me realise that I was always quite quick to judge people in situations such as this and I couldn’t believe that they’d let a situation go on for so long, but perhaps you just really never knew what went on in people’s lives and shouldn’t make judgements.

* * *

I decided that later I would pop over to Growlers and check out some more job sites on the internet. Perhaps I just needed to get straight back into the PR scene. That was what I would look at today, rather than trying something random and new. It would be nice to have some company, and I also wanted to see whether there was any chance of getting Baxter a place. I felt I should repay Alice’s kindness and wise words with the same. I was feeling so sorry for myself, I completely forgot yesterday.

I texted Beth and asked if it would be OK to use the office, and she texted back.

Don’t be long. Kettle’s on!

When I arrived, Uncle Tom and Beth were looking very serious and I wondered what I was walking into. I soon discovered that Beth’s hospital appointment had come through and they needed her to go in a week on Monday for her operation. She was stressing about how they’d cope at the farm and kennels. The doctor had said that she’d be on crutches for at least four weeks, certainly not able to drive for a good while after that, and would be needing physio for three months before she was back to work as she had a physical job. She’d be able to manage the office-based duties when she was feeling up to it, but she was really worried about how they’d manage the manual work. Russell would do extra hours, and at some point Alex would come over from America, but it was quite short notice and he might not be able to come straight away.

Beth put her head in her hands. ‘What are we going to do, Dad? God, I wish Mum were here right now.’

Heartbreak and devastation had hit their family a week before Beth’s sixteenth birthday when Aunty Jen was tragically killed in a horse-riding accident. I knew how much Beth missed her mum, particularly when she needed to make a big decision in her life.

He rubbed her shoulder and rested his chin on the top of her head. ‘I know, darling. I do too. But we’ll sort it out somehow, don’t worry. You have to have that op and we’ll just have to manage. Let’s wait until Alex is up. He’s five hours behind, so we’ll call him after lunch and see when he can get here. We can’t really do anything until then. Then we’ll make a plan.’

She smiled back at him but it didn’t reach her eyes.

I made a split-second decision. ‘I’ll do it!’

They both turned to look at me and gave a double-take.

‘I’ll help!’

‘You? Really?’ Uncle Tom started to titter. ‘You do know this is a farm, don’t you?’

‘OK, very funny. But yes, me. Why not?’

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