Page 6 of Amazing Grace

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My darling girl. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I wish I could reach out and touch you and take you in my arms once more. If I could wish for anything in the world, I would wish that you would learn to love yourself. You need to realise just how beautiful you are, inside and out. But you’re not ever going to be able to let love into your life until you love yourself.

I’m so glad that Monica has taken you in hand. I know you are sad and still really struggling with losing me, and I only wish I could help you more. I wish you could feel it when I touch your face and wipe away your tears. I wish you could feel my hand in yours when you sleep at night. I wish you knew how much I still love you even though I can’t be with you in body. I’m just a breath away, my darling. So close but yet so far.

Mum xxx

5

Grace turned the key in the lock. Monica had given her two and a half hours until she was being picked back up for a night out on the town. As she closed the door, she realised how painfully quiet it was without her son in the house and, as always, it made her heart twang.

She was so glad that her life had changed for the better now, even if that meant being alone and being a single mum. When she and Mark first split, Grace had worried most about how Archie was going to handle it. She’d waited forever to meet the love of her life, and on the day her son was born, she did. He was her pride and joy. Her life. Her everything. She had a pang of sadness every time she thought about just how much her mum would have loved him, and that she’d never had the opportunity to share Archie and his wonderful self with her.

Grace tottered down her long hallway, the new high heels that she’d promised Monica she’d get used to click-clacking on the Victorian tiled floor, and plonked down her shopping, handbag and keys on the large wooden bureau at the far end of the hall. She’d always longed to walk through the front door and be welcomed by someone who simply couldn’t live without her. And she knew that in just a few seconds, she would be getting such a hug and a heart full of love coming her way.

The thud of a tail thumping on the floor could be heard as she opened the kitchen door, and there he was.

‘Hewo, my gorgeous boyyyyyy.’ She tickled Becks behind his ears and squatted down to his level where he leant into her, sat straight on her lap and knocked her off balance. ‘Hewo, my bootiful baby. Mamma’s home now! Do you need to go do a wee-wee?’ She laughed at herself and wondered why people talked to animals and babies in a stupid voice.

Since Becks came into their lives, she understood why dogs were used in therapy. Just stroking this gorgeous bundle of fluffiness always restored her spirits. He just seemed to sense that she needed to laugh and be loved. She was so glad that he was part of her life.

She opened the French doors, which led onto the patio, to let Becks out. Seeing how much of a state the garden was in, Grace remembered that she wasn’t the only thing in her life that desperately needed some love and attention. She glanced at her watch as she flicked on the kettle and grabbed her favourite Cath Kidston mug from the cupboard. She had a bit of time before her big evening out.

Off came the high heels, and she sighed in relief as her feet hit the cold stone tiles. She grabbed the slipper boots that had been warming on the radiator, slid her feet inside and soon started to warm up. It was early spring and even though it had been a day of bright sunshine, the afternoons were still a little chilly, especially when you had a tiled floor.

She went over to the huge chrome American-style fridge freezer and as she grabbed the milk from the fridge door, she spotted a bottle of Pinot Grigio.Mmm!She thought. That might just hit the spot and give her some much-needed Dutch courage. She dreaded to think what Monica had planned for their big night out.

She grabbed a large wine goblet from the cupboard next to the fridge, filled it halfway and took a big swig. As the cool liquid hit the back of her throat, she sighed and took another large gulp. Rolling her shoulders in a circular motion like her Pilates teacher had taught her to, Grace closed the French doors after Becks wandered back in. He followed her through to the lounge, a homely room with two huge brown leather sofas opposite each other separated by a wooden coffee table. She switched on the two table lamps, which cast a low cosy glow into the room. Lighting her Jo Malone Pomegranate Noir candle, her decadent present to herself, she slumped down into her big comfy reading chair, in the large bay window, Becks curled up with his head resting on her feet.

Grace remembered the first time Mark had taken Archie away for a week’s holiday. All her friends had tried to comfort her, saying that they’d love a week off from their kids, but it broke Grace’s heart to hear people say that. She hated being away from Archie. He was the person she was closest to in the world. He was her best friend. She loved spending time with him, whether it was going to theme parks – which they could rarely afford these days – visiting friends or just chilling out at home.

When he was away from her it felt like she’d lost a limb, and she had a constant dull ache in her heart. She thought she’d get used to it in time, but she never really had. The fact of it was that even before Archie was born, Grace realised why she’d been put on earth. Her job was to be a mum. Archie’s mum. It was the best job she’d ever had.

At first, she’d made sure that she planned to do something or go somewhere on the nights when Archie went to Mark’s flat. Then the nights that he was with her would be their special time. She hated sharing her son, even if it was only every other weekend and one night in the week. She certainly had never thought that she’d be in the position where she’d have to do that. She even wished sometimes in her really dark moments that Mark had died so that she didn’t have to share Archie, but then she pulled herself back in check, realising that it was best for their son to have both his parents in his life, even if one of those was an arsehole sometimes.

When she and Mark were together, she’d been the main carer for Archie. Mark was always at work and when he did have some free time, he spent it on going to the gym, or out with his friends, or playing squash. At least that’s what hesaidhe’d been doing. Grace found out later that it was just a ruse for going out for drinks with other women. He denied it of course, every time she asked him where he was. In fact, he used to tell her that it was nothing to do with her – where he was – and that he didn’t have to tell her anything. She had always found that suspicious – if he didn’t have anything to hide, surely he would just say where he was going? Mark’s rejoinder was that they were two people in a relationship, not fused at the hip; they didn’t have to do everything together. But they actually didn’t doanythingtogether, so Grace spent her time lonely and worrying what Mark was up to on the nights he wasn’t at home. She just wanted someone who loved spending time with her.

She spent her life making excuses for Mark, not telling her friends the truth about him. Whenever they came round, he always made out that he was the perfect husband, offering to make cups of tea and charming them with his sparkling conversation, but behind closed doors Mark treated her like she was his skivvy.

He certainly blamed Grace for their lack of sex life. His idea of foreplay most of the time was not speaking to her for a week, then getting into bed and asking abruptly if she fancied a shag. Strangely enough, that didn’t really do it for her, and nor did his mood swings, spinning between the roles of attentive husband and mardy bastard, so that she never knew which Mark she was going to come home to. The worst part about it was that because he was so manipulative, she always ended up questioning herself and starting to wonder if she was in the wrong.

On those occasions when she did agree to have sex with him, it was because she felt like she should keep the peace and because if she did it with him, it might shut him up for a week or two. His sexual technique left a lot to be desired too. He seemed to think that grabbing her boobs and twiddling her nipples like he was trying to tune into a radio station would be a big turn-on. Most of the time, she was glad the lights were off so he couldn’t see her grimacing, wishing it would be over as quickly as possible.

But on his great days, he was the most attentive person ever, running her a bath, pouring her a G&T; she’d wished she had that Mark all the time. That was the Mark she had fallen in love with; the Mark that had made her want to have his child. It wasn’t until afterwards she found out the times he’d been nicest to her were when he’d been up to no good.

Deep down, Grace had known for a long time that things weren’t quite right between them, but she also knew that families stuck together through thick and thin, and marriages were forever.

Finding out about Lorraine was a blessing in disguise in a way, Grace thought now as she wondered whether she’d have been brave enough to do anything about ending the marriage without a catalyst kicking it all off.

Grace’s train of thought was interrupted when the doorbell rang. She wasn’t expecting anyone, let alone the dashingly handsome bearded man standing at her door. He had tousled dark brown hair, which he casually ran his fingers through as he spoke.

He introduced himself as Vinnie. He leant forward and his strong hand, slightly rough perhaps from hard work, shook hers as he stared deep into her eyes.

‘I’m so sorry to bother you on a Saturday. I’m from the landscaping company you left a message for earlier in the week. I didn’t have the chance to call you back so I just popped round on the off chance that you might be in as I was in the area,’ he said. ‘I wondered if I could take a look at those overgrown trees that you mentioned. Would that be OK?’

It would be more than OK, Grace thought. It was not every day that a hot sexy beefcake with a warm, seductive, yet soothing voice turned up on your doorstep and made your heart flutter. All her Christmases had come at once!

‘Yep, sure. Shall I take you round the back?’Why did she say that?They both blushed.

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