Page 87 of Defend Me

“I pity you, man. Me and Tilian are trying to be here for you. He’s trusted you with more of himself than he should. He doesn’t believe the truth.”

“What’s the truth, Dean?”

“If he gave you his heart, all you’d know how to do is crush it beneath your fancy shoes.” He stepped closer and I pressed myself against the wall to keep him out of my space. “Will walking around on feet soaked in blood get you where you’re going?”

I raised my chin and met his eyes while I tried to figure out a response to that fucked up question. It felt like a slap to the face. Instead of saying anything, I sidestepped him and started down the hallway. I needed fresh air and distance.

“Become them, Brooks,” he called. “Since you’re too scared to face your own mind.”

My shoulders rose and I kept walking.

I shouldn’t have gone to Tilian. Contrary to what Dean thought, I didn’t go there with the intention of anything happening. He was a stroke of calm amidst the storm inside of me. He always had been, ever since I started hanging out with him. When I was alone in that apartment and couldn’t stand my own company anymore, I found myself on campus, right outside Marshall Hall.

Dean’s words hurt, but they also grounded me. I wasn’t spiraling like I had been earlier and I wanted to take time to think about things.

Tonight, everything with Tilian changed. I shouldn’t have let it happen, but I didn’t feel any regret over it. I just had no idea where to go from here. Even if I could bring it all to a screeching halt, I didn’t want to.

I didn’t know if something had broken in me this week, but my usual urge to push people away felt weak right now. The moment I’d touched Tilian, I was ready to abandon the stupid game.

Seriously, why couldn’t I have him? My parents didn’t give a shit who I dated as long as they weren’t a criminal or drug addict or something.

Maybe it wouldn’t even go anywhere, but I was tired of trying to push him away. I wanted to learn what it felt like to have something real and, considering the way I reacted when I was around him, this could be that thing.

If, for some unknown reason, Tilian wanted me, maybe I could take a chance on it.

Chapter 26

Tilian

Sitting on the bed with my knees pulled up and my arms around them, I tried not to freak out. Aside from the hostility between Dean and Brooks, we’d taken things to a whole new level tonight. I intended to talk to him about it before he left, but I was still nervous. After he finished talking to Dean, I didn’t know if I’d manage to open him up like before.

The door opened and I dropped my legs. Dean came into the room, then shut the door and leaned against it.

“Where’s Brooks?”

“He left.”

I jumped to my feet. “What the hell, Dean? Did you tell him to leave?”

“No. He’s struggling right now and you shouldn’t be fucking around with him.”

Friend or not, I resented that he was trying to tell me what to do. I was dying to chase after Brooks, to find him and make sure he was okay.

“That’s my decision to make,” I pointed out. “I know what he wants and I’m okay with that.”

“He’s trying to use you,” he said firmly.

“He wants sex. So what? So do I.”

“He can get it anywhere. Don’t you get that?”

“Oh.” I threw my hands in the air. “I’m just not in his league, huh?”

“That’s not what I’m fucking saying,” he growled. “He’s trying to ruin shit. Self-sabotaging, punishing himself for something. I don’t know. I don’t think you should encourage what he’s trying to do right now.”

For a few seconds, I just ground my teeth together. “You’re reaching.”

“No, I’m not, and if you stop thinking with your dick for a minute, you’ll see it too. He’s using you.”

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