Page 37 of Tropical Heat

“What do you want, Deputy Garcia? Because we both know you didn’t drive all the way up here for a report, we normally fax to the station.”

“You owe Zak an apology.” His voice was flat, but the anger simmering beneath his cool exterior was palpable. “He deserves to know why you ghosted him.”

“What’s to explain? I let love cloud my judgement once and my sister died because of it. I promised her it would never happen again.” I tried to lift my head, but I could not look him in the eyes. “If I stayed with you and Zak, let myself fall in love, I would not be as focused on my patients. I would miss something important, because I was thinking about one of you, and the patient would die.”

“That’s a little melodramatic, don’t you think? You’re too good of a doctor to let that happen.”

“I've already let my emotions compromise my professional judgment once. The day of our accident, I should have insisted on bringing you to the hospital, but I didn’t want you to be mad at me, so I didn’t press the issue. If you were hemorrhaging or had a clot, you would have died.”

“But I didn't.”

“That's not the point. You might have and if I could make that kind of mistake in judgement with you, I could make it with anyone.”

“That's bullshit and you know it, Morgan.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Maybe it was the truth once. You did blame yourself for Tammy's death, probably still do a bit. But you’re a smart woman and eventually, you would have realized being in love had nothing to do with what happened. Any reasonable person in your position would have done the same thing and let her friend take Tammy home; nobody could have known what would happen.”

“It was not your fault that the driver of the other car had been drinking. Any more than the lack of adequate emergency care in rural areas was your fault. You’re a damn fine ER doctor and because of you, countless people up and down The Keys will never know the type of loss you suffered. That should be Tammy’s legacy.”

“But this idea that if you fall in love, something bad will happen is just an excuse. Somewhere along the way, you became terrified of love, and convinced yourself it would only bring you pain.”

I put my hand on my hip and asked what made him such an expert on what I was feeling?

“Because I have the same fears. I've never had the best of luck with relationships, but that's because I drove people away. Believing they would eventually realize I was unworthy of their love, I never fully let anyone in.”

“And this situation with the three of us makes it twice as scary. Twice the people make it twice as likely one of us could get hurt. But it could also mean twice the happiness. Those are odds I am willing to take.”

When he finished speaking, he was close enough for me to reach out and touch. I clasped my hands behind my back. He was right; it had been so long since I had let myself love; I wasn't sure I was even capable of it anymore. Muscling back tears, I said, “I just can't. I'm not as strong as you are. Please, leave me alone.”

He studied me for a long moment, as if wanting one last image to carry with him. I tilted my head and tried to smile. He turned for the door and said. “You probably should see a doctor. You look like shit.”

A slap across the face would have hurt less, but I refused to let him see me cry. Once I was sure he had left the building, I found an available restroom and locked the door behind me. Then looked at my reflection in the mirror. Dante had been right. My skin was pasty, and there were bags under my eyes. I had even put on a few pounds.

In the land of perpetual sunshine, I was ghost pale. The only time I left the motel anymore was to go to work and back. Worried I might bump into one of them, I had stopped going to the grocery store and was eating whatever Grubhub delivered. I could not recall the last time I had gone for a run. It was no wonder my ass was getting bigger.

Speaking to the image in the mirror, I whispered, “Something has to change. You can not keep living like this.”

The first thing I did when I got off work was call the Realtor and see if she had any new properties for me to look at. She did not, but when I reminded her I was on a deadline; she agreed to make some calls and get back to me.

I then drove to the farmers' market. The sun felt good on my face as I strolled through the stalls buying more produce than I could possibly eat. It all looked so damn good.

When I returned to the motel, I put my purchases into the tiny refrigerator, stripped off my work clothes and dressed for a long mind clearing run. By the time I got back to the room, I was breathing hard and knew my muscles would ache in the morning after such a long layoff. But it felt good to finally get some exercise.

After I turned on the hot water and stepped into the shower, my thoughts returned to Dante. Because I had not had sex in several weeks, I was horny as hell and kept thinking how nice it would have been to have him and Zak in the shower with me.

I imagined Dante soaping my breasts, his cock pressed firmly against my cheeks. Zak massaging my sore legs and ass. Then kissing my neck while I stroked him. I closed my eyes and dipped a hand between my thighs. But let it fall away with a loud sob. The hot water ran out before my tears.

How had I made such of mess of things? Dante was right. Tammy's death changed me. Even though I had stopped blaming myself for it, I was still afraid to love.

Losing my sister was the worst pain I had ever experienced. We had been best friends for as long as I could remember and I loved her with all of my heart. Although the love you feel for a sibling might differ from the love you feel for a mate, it does not lessen the hurt of losing them.

It was the real reason I broke things off with Charles and had built an impenetrable fort around my heart. I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again.

Maybe it was the change of environment or because I had been lonely for so long, but since meeting Zak and then Dante, they had slowly chipped away at that fortress until it was on the verge of collapse. I got freaked out and ran.

I wanted to let myself fall in love with them. Give them my heart and trust that they would not break it. But understanding what caused me to be the way I am did not make it any easier to change.

For that, I needed help. But therapy would take too long. So I handled it the way I did any other problem. Over the following weeks, I researched and read the studies on fear and love. In order to better understand polyamory; I also spoke with Cynthia via Zoom.

Besides being a marketing consultant, my cousin also writes a monthly column for an online magazine called The Triad. She was a wealth of information on poly relationships and helped me better understand the dynamics.

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