"Et tu, Brute?"
I swallow.
"He was my little brother," I say, my chest tightening. "I protected him. I loved him. When we were younger, I held him accountable for things, but I never imagined I’d have to hold him accountable for this."
She doesn’t flinch.
She doesn’t recoil.
She just absorbs it.
And the pain in my chest loosens just a little.
"I can see that," she murmurs. "What happens when someone betrays the Bratva?" she asks. "I know what the Irish do—something tells me the Bratva is even worse."
I let out a humorless laugh.
"I don’t know," I admit. "The Irish are pretty fucking brutal. We lose the privilege of our tattoos."
She cringes.
Her eyes widen. "Oh my god. So you… youremovethem? I’m guessing that doesn’t involve a laser.”
"Yeah."
I don’t tell her how.
I don’t tell her that, in my brother’s case, it involved a blowtorch.
The smell of burnt flesh still makes me retch if I think about it too long. I can’t even grill anymore.
I force a smile. She looks at me like she understands exactly what I mean.
"Oh, Jesus, Matvei."
"Yeah." My throat tightens. "That was just the beginning."
I drag a hand through my hair. "I made him state the code while he was dying. Semyon had already beaten the shit out of him. He was conscious when I finally got to him." I swallow. "I told him I loved him. But I was loyal to the process. And I was the one who pulled the trigger."
She doesn’t speak for a long moment.
"You shot him?" she finally asks.
I nod.
Rafail didn’t make me dispose of the body.
I was a fucking wreck after that.
I couldn’t sleep.
Couldn’t eat.
My mother tried to have me committed, but Rafail intervened. She didn’t know the half of it.
I shake my head, laughing bitterly. “Started smoking then.”
“Did it help?” she asks quietly.