Page 80 of Enthrall
“How did that make you feel?” he said.
“Didn’t know any different.” I raised my hand in defense. “I’ve never done drugs. Ever.”
“You chose to stay with your mom?”
“Didn’t want to. I begged my dad to let me go with him. He told me mom needed me. So I stayed in Charlotte.”
“You weren’t responsible for her death,” said Cameron.
“I should have been there.” I twisted my mouth in shame. “She overdosed on cocaine.”
“Where were you?”
“School.” I lowered my gaze. “I’d always been able to read her before. Get a feel for when she was going to treat herself to the ‘good stuff,’ as she called it. It was the only thing that made her happy.”
“You found her body?”
I gave a shrug. “Still did my homework that night.”
“You still did your homework?”
“There were so many people in the house. Neighbors, cops, and other relatives. It was my excuse not to have to talk with any of them. Couldn’t stand the way they looked at me.”
“You came to live with your father.”
“I moved to California to be with him and his second wife Lorraine. I felt guilty because I’d wanted it so badly. The only way to get it was for my mom to die.”
Cameron nodded as though somehow he understood it all, all the angst, all the suffering, all the pain.All the regret.
“Every first Sunday in the month I go to IHOP,” I said. “The one on Ventura, in Sherman Oaks. My dad and I used to eat there every Sunday.” I smiled. “He always ordered the same thing. Even now I wait to get the same booth we used to sit in. I even order the exact same thing he used to eat. Same thing every time. Coffee, a plate of waffles, and a side order of grits. I never eat the grits.”
“Why every first Sunday?”
I shrugged; wasn’t going to share with them it was all I could afford.
Ignoring the silence Cameron was using to encourage me to go on, I held his gaze to let him know I was done.
“Your childhood pain,” he said. “It has a hold on you. Your life is a journey and you’re starting out with a squeaky wheel.”
I swapped a glance between Richard and Cameron. “I thought it didn’t matter anymore.”
“That’s what you told yourself,” said Cameron.
“You think S & M will help me get over it?” I said.
“I didn’t say that.” Cameron gave a gentle smile. “What I do believe, Mia, is that it’s time for you to forgive yourself.”
I SAT ON THE BENCH watching the carp swim around each other, making hypnotic ripples in the pond, several of them coming up for air. We had something in common, it seemed.
Within this very hour my life had been turned upside down, when Richard had guided me into that dungeon via the coolest secret stairwell I’d ever seen, I’d expected to find Cameron waiting for us, wielding some form of leather paraphernalia. Or even wanting to talk about that toy.
I’d not expected this…
With what had felt like a party game, Cameron had cracked my psyche wide open, allowing me to see my life differently for the first time. Turns out I’d been dragging a whole lot of baggage around with me and didn’t even know it. Which probably resulted in my sketchy trust issues. Apparently, I’d always been a member of the fucked-up crowd.
Those ivy strewn high walls on either side of the garden separated us from the world. I wondered how many people out there went about their daily lives telling themselves the knot inside their stomach was normal, like the one I had inside me now. I caressed this nagging ache, the one I thought I’d gotten used to.
It felt good to be outside and lose myself in the distraction of this well-tended garden that was a lush-green haven. I wasn’t any good with naming flowers and only recognized that spray of daisies growing along the wall to my right. My mom had loved daisies though we’d only ever had the plastic kind. Something Richard would scoff at, no doubt. Still, money was tight, needed for everyday essentials like high-end cocaine for mom’s dirty little secret.
