Page 19 of The Game
‘What’s going on?’ Emotion made his voice husky. ‘Your mum said you’re not flying. Is it because you came down sick?’
The way he looked at her—so uncertainly, as if he needed to know the answer but didn’t quite want to hear it—made her wish she could disappear. Guilt, regret, despair. It all welled up inside her, gathering strength and momentum like a tidal wave. One she was powerless to contain.
Her face crumpled. A sob tore from her throat.
Dean pulled her into his arms and held her, stroked her hair and waited. She wanted nothing more than to let him comfort her, but he needed to hear the truth, so she fought to regain control.
Taking a deep breath, she struggled to sit. Dean helped, and when she was finally propped against the headboard, she wiped her tears and braced herself.
‘You asked me,’ she said, ‘that first day on the beach. You asked why I’d come home. I wasn’t ready to accept it then, and I’m still not, but … it’s time. You deserve to know.’
Dean swallowed, his Adam’s apple bouncing as he stared at her. But he said nothing, and she was forced to go on.
‘I received a diagnosis, dropped everything and came home to be with my family.’ She paused, closed her eyes briefly, then forced the words out. ‘I’ve got Hodgkin lymphoma. A form of cancer. My symptoms have been … minimal. Until now. Treatment starts next week.’
Dean sat mutely, cogs visibly whirring, then he was on his feet and pacing. Spinning suddenly, he glared at her. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about this?’
She wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him like he’d done for her, but she was terrified he’d push her away.
Her chin wobbled when she spoke. ‘At first, I didn’t think it was worth mentioning. I thought we’d hang out for a few weeks, then go our separate—’
‘So youliedto me?’
With that question, Alyssa knew she’d lost him. An icy hand reached into her chest and gripped her heart. His mother had lied to him, had lied to her whole family, and they’d been torn apart as a result. He’d borne so much pain because of the lies and actions of a woman who was supposed to love him. And now Alyssa had lied to him too.
She couldn’t deny it but needed him to understand. ‘Do you remember I told you I’d broken up with someone recently?’
Remaining stonily silent, he worked his jaw, his anger simmering under the surface.
‘His name was Alastair,’ she said. ‘We hadn’t been together long, but when I told him about the cancer, he—’ She had to swallow her rising nausea in order to force the words out. ‘He looked at me as if I were a dead woman walking. He gave me a sympathetic smile, wished me well and walked away.’
‘And you thought I’d do that?’
She shook her head, tears flowing freely. ‘Not now. But I didn’t know that at the start. And I didn’t want to take the risk. I needed you, Dean. From that first day, I needed you. And you have no idea how much you’ve helped me get through these past few weeks.’
Before he turned from her, she could see his anguish. And the knowledge that she’d hurt him shot an arrow straight through her heart. When he tore his hands through his hair, her desperation to hold him was overwhelming.
He stood with his back to her, his shoulders heaving with every breath he took. When he finally spoke again, he only half-turned towards her and kept his gaze averted.
‘Yesterday,’ he croaked, ‘when you said you got the new job, that you were flying back to Sydney today …’
‘I lied.’ Alyssa closed her eyes, trying to block out the shame. ‘I didn’t want to burden you with this. It was the reason I insisted we keep things casual. I thought it would be better to let you think I’d gone overseas. But when I was chatting to Kate yesterday, I got the sense that maybe I meant more to you than you were letting on, so I made up the lie about going back to Sydney. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to stick around and watch me fade away when the chemo started.’
‘So, let me get this straight.’ Dean did look at her then, and the contempt she saw in his expression made her shrink. ‘You intentionally kept this from me, hoping I’d give you a few laughs and show you a good time before your treatment began, and all the while you were planning to pretend you’d flown off somewhere to chase your dream career?’
All Alyssa could do was nod. What energy she possessed was focused on not breaking down any more than she had already.
‘What the hell was this between us?’ he yelled, spitting the words at her with such force, she jumped. ‘Some sort of sick, twisted game? A last hurrah before you’re confined to your death bed?’ When she made no comment, he ploughed on. ‘I can’t believe you’d do this to me, or anyone! You accusedmeof being a player, but I’ve never deceived anyone.’ He looked at her as if she were something disgusting he’d stepped in. ‘You’re the one who played me, Alyssa.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered as a fresh wave of tears fell. ‘I never meant to hurt you. But I can’t regret the time we spent together, and I can’t even regret not telling you, because can you honestly say you wouldn’t have looked at me differently? If I’d told you, maybe we never would have become friends.’
He only stared at her, giving nothing away, though anger and derision still oozed from him.
Sapped of all energy, she leaned against the headboard. ‘I regret hurting you, Dean, and I regret ruining what we had. But I will never regret being your friend.’
He seemed to deflate; his shoulders drooped, and he hung his head. Then, running a hand over his face, he stared briefly up at the ceiling before meeting her gaze, his expression tortured.
‘I don’t want to be yourfriend, Alyssa.’ And with that, he turned and left the room.
