Page 87 of Misery and Ecstasy

“Look…” I take another drag of my cigarette. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the doc, it’s you can’t blame yourself for every bad thing that happens to you or those you love.”

“Yeah, that sounds like something she would say.” She laughs humorlessly. “The only problem is, she didn’t exactly believe that herself.”

“What do you mean?” My attention falls back on her as I give my cigarette a flick.

“She blames herself for every bad thing that’s happened in her life.”

My heart twinges with pain for Kins. I don’t like knowing she’s felt even a fraction of the soul-crushing guilt that I have.

Not knowing what to say, and still not quite comfortable with Olivia, I change the subject.

“What was she like in college?”

“Gosh…” This time I can hear the emotion in her laughter, as wistful as it is.

While I wait for her to answer, I look over at Royce and Atticus who are in the middle of their own conversation.

I didn’t even think about how it would make me feel to have some of my brothers here with me. I’m surprised by how much it means to me. I took on the pain of watching my mother wither on my own. If I would have known it would have made it even a fraction easier to endure if I let one of them be there for me … I would have.

It also gives me a sense of relief to know that all the shit that’s been going on recently between Royce and me isn’t anything we can’t overcome.

“It’s weird. She was exactly like she is now, all uptight and professional and gloomy. But on the rare occasion you could get her to relax, she was absolutely the life of the party.”

Listening to Olivia describe McKinsey brings a genuine smile to my face, even if it doesn’t make waiting any easier.

“Sophomore year, we attended this one social that was hands down the most boring event I’ve ever been to. We were trying to get out of it, but it was one of those situations where it wasn’t exactly mandatory, but you would be shunned if you didn’t go.”

Taking a final drag of my cigarette, I put it out on the brick wall.

“Well, McKinsey disappeared on us for a while. I was pissed at first because I thought she’d found a way out and didn’t tell me. But when she resurfaced ten minutes later, she had about twenty minis of liquor on her. They were in her bra, her pockets… She shoved some in her socks. I think she even pulled one out of her underwear.”

My laugh mixes in with hers, and I catch Atticus listening intently to Olivia from where he’s sitting.

“A handful of us were able to enjoy the rest of the night quite well thanks to her. To this day, I still don’t know where she got them from.”

“I like hearing that about her. She’s relaxed a little in the past month, but I can tell there are times when she’s holding on to something. Afraid to let herself go.”

“Yeah…” Olivia nods in agreement, growing quiet. It feels like she wants to say more, but isn’t sure how much to tell me. “She … protects herself really well. Too well sometimes.”

“What do you mean?”

Taking a deep breath, she looks at me again. “She sets some pretty rigid boundaries for people at times.”

“You’re talking about her mother?”

“For starters.” She laughs again.

“Should we call her?” I shrug when Olivia looks at me with hesitation. “I mean, this situation with Kins has blown up considerably. She should know what’s going on.”

“Let’s at least wait until we have more information. Cheryl will only worry more if we can’t give her any details.”

My eyebrows raise in question at the name. It’s not familiar to me.

“Cheryl is her mother.” Olivia clarifies for me.

“Oh.” McKinsey hasn’t uttered her name once to me this whole time.

“What has she told you about her mother anyway?”

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