Page 114 of Misery and Ecstasy

The nursing staff and her therapists have been taking good care of her. They’ve taught me how to perform exercises to prevent her muscles from atrophying. How to carefully move her to keep her from getting bed sores. I’ve been giving her sponge baths and following them up with lotion to keep her skin nice and soft.

Flashbacks of taking care of my mother haunt me, threatening to drag me under. But I know in my heart of hearts that I will see McKinsey’s warm cocoa eyes again.

“Harleigh and Delilah are supposed to be coming in again today. I know they both really miss having you around the clubhouse. They find your presence comforting. That’s another sign that you’re a good therapist, Kins.”

My lips twitch as I gingerly squeeze McKinsey’s hand.

“I spoke to Marissa again this morning. She wanted me to tell you she’ll be back soon. And she also sends regards from Mary and Mr. Tillman who she met with earlier this week. She said they’re grateful you’re getting the care you need, and they’re looking forward to seeing you soon.”

Fuck, we all are.

Bringing her knuckles to my lips, I kiss each one of them delicately before hanging my head.

I hate feeling useless.

The nurses have all told me that being here, taking care of her and talking to her, are three huge ways I can help her. I’m glad to be of assistance in any way, but I just wish there was something … anything more I could do.

I pick my head up at the sound of footsteps echoing down the hall, drawing closer to Kins’s room. Dr. Faust walks through her door with his eyebrows drawn together and a downcast stare. He’s been telling me each day that they’re, “hoping for the best.”

I don’t know what inspirational medical textbook he got that fucking line from, but it sucks.

“Good morning, Draven.” He finally looks at me.

“Faust.” Without moving from my seat, I close my hand around his when he offers it to me. “Please tell me something good.”

But there is no light etched in the shadows that cross his face.

“I just finished reviewing her latest MRI scan. I was hoping to see more of a change in her by now. With each day that passes, her chances of returning to some semblance of normalcy decrease even more.”

I scratch at my jaw, trying to keep the irritation at bay.

“But that’s not guaranteed, right? She can still wake up and be fine? Go back to normal? Be fully functional?”

“Draven, you need to understand something.” He runs his hand over the back of his neck. “If she wakes up?—”

“When!” I launch myself from my seat, no longer able to contain my anger. Dr. Faust backs into the counter behind him, trying to put as much distance between us as he can. “Whenshe fucking wakes up. I’m going to need you to remove the word “if” from your vocabulary when you’re talking to me. Doyouunderstand?”

His eyes are wide, frozen on me as he clutches the lip of the countertop at his back. My chest heaves, rapidly opening and closing my fists as I fight to gain control of myself.

Closing my eyes, I concentrate on the quiet in the room. I think about Kins in the bed behind me, focusing on her in an effort to calm myself.

“Look, when we first met, you told us you’d only be able to get rid of some of the tumor. But you ended up getting it all. Now you’re using non-committal words like she hasn’t already surprised the shit out of you once. She can do it again. I know she can.”

He looks at me like every word I just said went in one ear and out the other.

“The time is almost here to start making some big decisions, Draven.”

“What exactly does that mean?” Dread drills into my soul.

I pierce Dr. Faust with my stare. He drops his hands from where they clung to the counter a moment ago, appearing to relax slightly.

“Just come out and say whatever it is you’re trying to say. I’ve learned by now that when you open your mouth, there is always some other meaning buried in your words. I don’t have time to decipher your bullshit.”

“It’s time for you and Cheryl to start thinking about the very real possibility of having to turn off the machine that’s keeping McKinsey alive. To give her the option to fade from this earth in peace. Otherwise, you risk dooming her to a life that no one would choose for themselves.”

Fuck.

That’s what I thought he meant, but I needed to hear him say it. Now that he has, I want to shove every last word back into his mouth and throw him out the window into traffic.

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