Page 58 of Misery and Ecstasy

“What I say nexthasto stay between us. It’s serious. Like more serious than the fact that I could lose my license. Okay? I’ll tell you as much as I can, but if I can’t answer one of your questions, please don’t push it.”

“You’re scaring me, McK.” When Marissa squeezes my hand, I muster a small smile.

I’m sorry that I ever got myself into this mess. But I’m even more sorry that they’re about to learn things that could get them in trouble if they don’t keep it to themselves.

“He’s a member of the Royal Bastards.”

“What?”

“Holy shit!” Olivia’s free hand flies over her mouth as the shock of my truth bomb hits her. “Now I understand what you meant when you told me he was a bad guy.”

I regret saying that now because deep down, I don’t think Draven is a bad guy. The termbad guyshould, honestly, be relative to the crimes committed. If he helped kill Delilah’s father, like I believe he may have, getting her away from her abuser, is he the bad guy or the hero?

Fuck, I can’t believe I’m trying to justify his actions.

I really am losing my mind.

But it’s notmeI need to convince.

Wait… I’m not trying to convince anyone. I needthemto convincemeto put an end to it.

But there will never be an end to it…

Rubbing the side of my head, I prepare to explain my dilemma further.

“Are you sure your head is okay?” I appreciate Marissa’s concern, butfuck…I really need to just get out what I need to say before I change my mind.

“I promise I’m okay.” I gaze back-and-forth between them before continuing. “The problem is, I can’t just stop seeing him … for reasons I can’t disclose. But also—and this is going to make me sound crazy—I don’t know that I want to stop seeing him.”

“Do you mean as a patient or a fuck buddy?” Marissa’s question is sarcastic, knowing there is no correct answer in her eyes. Her indignation cuts through me.

I pull my hands away from theirs when they both stare at me like they want to have me committed. Folding my arms across my chest, I sit back in my chair and take a deep breath.

“Okay, okay. Let’s start over.” The two of them exchange glances as I try to get my shit together enough to describe the kind of help I’m looking for. “Forget about who he is and that I can’t stop seeing him as a patient. That just overcomplicates everything because whether I want to have him as a client or not is not my choice.”

They roll their eyes, as though it’s possible to forget what I just told them.

“Before you go on, tell me the truth, McK.” Marissa’s severe tone forces my stare to stay on hers. “Are you in any kind of danger? Do not lie to me.”

I answer before thinking because even if I was, there is nothing either of them could do to help me.

“No. I promise. Not as long as this conversation stays between us.” I receive a quiet nod from them both before I continue.

“I was with him last night. We slept together, and then I fell asleep there by mistake. I don’t know. I was just so … content. It was nice, you know? But when I woke up this morning, I panicked and snuck out. Now I’m worried he’s going to be mad about it. To be honest, I’m even more worried he’snotgoing to be mad about it.”

I grip the armrests of my chair as my breathing increases. Opening and closing my fists around them, my anxiety gets worse the more I think about it.

“Sweetie, hey…” Marissa reaches her arm behind me to rub my back. “McKinsey, it’s all right. There’s a lot of emotions tied up in this. Let’s break it down, okay?”

As Marissa utters a phrase I’ve used on a countless number of my own patients, Olivia clasps my hand, trying to get me to relax my grip on the other armrest.

Just then, our server comes over to see if we’re ready to order. I hear Olivia ask him to bring me a water, but they don’t order anything else.

“Okay, first thing’s first. Did he at any point tell you that you weren’t allowed to leave?”

I look at Marissa and shake my head. “No, no. It wasn’t anything like that. And he didn’t force me to do anything either.”

For a moment I’m back in the garage, keeping Draven from leaving.

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