Page 46 of Misery and Ecstasy

The absence of guilt is a powerful, addictive feeling.

And it’s attached itself to the memories of fucking the doc.

McKinsey.

Kins.

Shit, I’m in trouble.

I turn my body so it’s shielded by Maggie’s tall dresser, bending my left leg to try to hide the fucking hard-on I just got. My head swivels to her to make sure she hasn’t noticed, but she’s still staring at the wall in front of her. She’s bawling so hard, she’s shaking her entire bed, but her cheeks are pink now. Earlier, they were an angry red, her blood pumping with rage as she fought with Delilah.

I wouldn’t say the fight was Maggie’s faultexactly.She’s feeling so many emotions and is doing everything in her power to ignore them rather than to make sense of them.

Something you know all about.

I ignore Lillian’s voice in my head. I only have enough capacity to deal with one person’s mental breakdown at a time. Barely.

Delilah didn’t do anything wrong. It was actually a relatively-calm dinner for once. Something we haven’t had much of in the past three years. But Maggie has been spending a little more time at home recently, and while the girls still aren’t on speaking terms, it’s way less uncomfortable around the table than it used to be.

When Delilah, Harleigh, and Maggie were clearing the dishes, Royce pulled Delilah aside for a second and whispered something in her ear which made her giggle.

Well, a switch flipped in Maggie, and you would have thought Delilah called her a slut or spit on her for the amount of fury that was unleashed.

Thank god Royce already had Delilah in his grasp. He pulled her out of the line of fire while I flew across the kitchen, swept Maggie from her feet, threw her over my shoulder, and marched her ass up the stairs to her room.

Hoping she doesn’t notice, I turn toward her door and quickly readjust my junk before joining her on the end of her bed. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her into me. I don’t ask her to speak, I don’t try to talk to her. I just soothingly rub my palm over her arm, trying to help her relax as much as I can.

“I can’t do this, Draven. I can’t be here anymore.”

“Well, I don’t know if you should be living all by yourself, but if you need money to secure an apartment somewhere, you know I’ll help you out. Royce won’t like it; you know he wants you to stay here, but I can talk to him fo?—”

“That’s not what I mean. I’m not strong enough to be here, on this earth, without Fernando anymore.”

Her voice cracks toward the end of her dark confession as another sob wracks through her. I’m at a loss for what to say. I’m not cut out for this, at least not anymore. Not in the raw state I’m still trying to claw my way out of.

I used to be better at this. At handling other people’s shit. Like when Royce was going through it with Delilah after she moved out a few years ago. I was the levelheaded one who helped him figure his shit out.

Fuck. Now I’m really glad the doc is on her way.

“Listen, if my accident proved one thing to me, it’s that I’m not as ready to leave this planet as I originally thought. You’re going through a bad moment, but it will pass.”

Where the hell did that come from? It sounded like me but felt like it came from a stranger. Or from someone I used to know.

“It’ll be two years on Friday.” She swipes at the tears still running down her cheeks. “When will it pass? I don’t even know if I want it to pass. How is it fair that I just get to be here and he doesn’t? He was a much better person than I’ll ever be. It should have been me.”

“I don’t know how long your pain will last… It’s different for everyone. But you can’t think like that. I seem to remember someone telling me just the other day that threatening my own life isbeyond stupid,or something to that effect.”

“Well, they’re dumb and don’t know what they’re talking about.” Maggie throws herself back onto the bed.

With a gentle laugh, I follow her, holding my arm out for her to curl into my side.

“I don’t know. She sounded pretty smart to me…”

Maggie looks at me and attempts a small, teary-eyed smile.

We lay in silence for a while before I feel my phone vibrate again. Tugging it from my pocket, I open my unread message.

Doc Caraway:

---