Page 38 of Misery and Ecstasy

He needs no more assurance than that to quicken his movements again and barrel into me until he’s grunting his release.

When Draven pulls out of me, his face drops. It’s like a switch has been flipped, and the despondent guy I’ve seen the past two days is back. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he reaches for his boxer briefs and pulls them on. Concern races through me as I grab the throw at the end of my bed and wrap it around myself before joining him.

“What’s wrong?” My voice is level, not wanting to spook him into closing up on me.

With a weak hum, he looks at me quickly before dropping his head again. “I … don’t know.”

He’s quiet for a minute, and just as I’m about to prompt him to explain, he speaks.

“I’m just confused.”

I feel terrible. Once again, I’ve royally fucked up. I should bar myself from practicing ever again.

“Draven, I’m so sorry. I never should have allowed this to happen.”

“No, it’s not that.” He places a hand on my leg, comforting me. “It’s just, ever since what I did to Lillian—that’s the girl I was talking about—I haven’t been able to have sex without guilt. Like, stomach cramping, on the verge of puking type guilt.”

A thought occurs to me.

“This is why you walked out yesterday. I began questioning you about previous relationships. Did I make the guilt worse for you?”

He reaches up and rubs the back of his neck.

“Well, that’s part of it.”

Bending down, he grabs his pants from the floor and pulls them on, creating more of a barrier between us. With each layer he adds, I feel more naked wrapped in this blanket. I also feel the threat of panic around the edges of my consciousness at the thought of him leaving me now that he’s gotten what he wanted. I have to remind myself that this wasn’t planned. It’s not like what happened before.

Sitting back down, he exhales loudly. I turn my body so I’m facing him, letting him know he has my full attention.

Fuck, but his torso is so distracting…

“That time with Lillian, it was my first time. I only had one girlfriend after her; Eva. She and I were together for about three years, and every time we had sex that feeling of guilt was there. I’ve often wondered if it was imprinted on my soul as part of my punishment for what I did to Lillian. But just now … with you … I felt no guilt at all.”

“Well, that certainly is interesting. I’m more than happy to sift through it with you if you want to, but, Draven, youhaveto forgive yourself for Lillian. Regardless of whether or not you were right or wrong, you can’t live with this guilt forever. For all you know, she could be happily married with children right now. You may not even cross her mind any longer.”

“Or she could be rotting away in an institution, if she’s not already dead.”

I don’t know what else to say to him at the moment to help him begin to heal from this incident, so I decide to leave it alone.

“So this girlfriend of yours?—”

“Ex-girlfriend.” He shoots a serious look at me, and it almost makes me smile. It’s like he’s trying to reassure me that he’s not tethered to anyone at the moment.

“Did you love her?” His face drops, like I’ve just uncovered a deep, dark secret. He looks away from me.

“No.” The sadness in his voice makes my heart ache. “I tried really hard to. I care about her. She’s a great girl. But I couldn’t make myself love her.”

“Then it’s entirely plausible you felt guilty aboutthat,and it had nothing to do with Lillian at all.”

“But then why didn’t I feel guilty just now? It was the—” He stops himself, presumably before he reveals too much, but I won’t allow that.

I’m bordering on inappropriate again, but Ihaveto know what he was about to say.

Will a relationship between us ever work? No.

Do I have the right to want him to want me? No.

Do I care about any of this right now? Apparently not. Not in my still loopy, still moderately-horny daze.

---