Page 34 of Misery and Ecstasy

“Good. What are you fearful of?”

You.

Thankfully, I’ve gained control of my own fucking tongue before I say something else I may regret.

“Um…” I try to come up with anything other than the truth. I get ready to tell her I don’t know, but instead, words I’ve never uttered aloud come out. “Getting close to someone.”

My face flushes with heat, and I lift my hand to my lips before I even realize they’ve moved. Probably to keep more of my secrets from escaping.

“Okay. That’s good, Draven. Can you explain that to me?”

“No.”

When her heavy sigh hits my ears, I elaborate.

“It’s not that I don’t want to.” Yes the fuck it is… “I-I just don’t know how.”

This is a moment I wished would never come. That I would be forced to open up about what happened with Lillian and watch the horror on someone else’s face as I admit to one of the most fucked-up things I’ve ever done.

But now that it’s here, my conscience is egging me on to spill my guts more than it ever has before.

As I think of how to say what I need to say, the doc gets up from her seat and walks over to the sofa. She settles in on the other end of it then turns her body toward me. Reaching out, she places her hand over mine and squeezes it reassuringly.

Her touch ignites my blood.

“Remember, Draven, this is a safe space.”

Tearing my hand from hers, the doc looks like I just slapped her.

Fuck.

I look down, my pulse thundering in my ears.

Here goes nothing.

“Yesterday you asked me how I coped with my father’s death.”

The doc remains silent next to me, allowing me to continue.

“I said I didn’t cope with it, which is true, but that’s only part of the story.” I force myself to look at her now.Here fucking goes nothing.“I fucked a manic depressive girl knowing she liked me then pretended it never happened. When she suffered a mental breakdown over my rejection of her, I doubled down and told everyone around us she was lying about everything.”

Her eyes soften the longer I talk, and I almost stop to ask what’s wrong with her. She shouldn’t be showing me any empathy or pity for what I did. I wasn’t the victim in that scenario.

“Her parents sent her away, fearing for her safety. I don’t know what happened to her after that. Her family left town, and I haven’t seen or heard from her since.”

I look away from her, no longer able to handle her gentle gaze.

“Draven, you were sixteen.”

“So?” My eyes snap to hers again, angry that she isn’t hurling insults at me. “That’s not an excuse. Teenage boys are more than capable of doing terrible things.”

“Yes, I realize that.”

The way she says it makes me believe she’s had her own run-in with a despicable teen boy in her past. It makes me curious, and I find myself needing to know what happened to her.

“I also know that kids make mistakes. But they can learn from them, too. And it’s what they doafterthey mess up that’s important.”

I watch as she plays with the charm on one of her necklaces. The delicate movement of her fingers causes me to involuntarily pull my lip between my teeth.

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