Page 137 of Injustice and Absolution

Watching. Waiting. Hovering.

A week ago, when my body was finally beginning to fight the weighted fatigue of shock it fell under the moment I entered that hotel suite, Royce pushed his way into this room.

I had a panic attack the second my eyes locked on him.

Connecting with his gaze after Drew pushed me through the doorway fucked me up. It left me with so many questions. All of which have been plaguing my warped mind since the moment Maggie was able to contain my panic.

Why was he at the hotel?

Were he and Drew working together?

Has he been planning this all along?

Is that why he rescued me from my father?

Because he saw how easy it was to get me to do whatever he wanted?

So he could manipulate me into falling in love with him before pulling the rug out from underneath me?

Is this why my SOS text to Maggie went unanswered?

Is she watching over me to make sure I don’t try to escape?

It’s a waste of her time and energy. I’ve barely moved on my own since coming down from my panic attack. I can’t, even though there’s a part of me that wants to. I don’t sleep, though half the time Maggie thinks I am. I try to keep my eyes closed as much as possible when she’s awake. I can’t bring myself to look her, or anyone else, in the eye.

Nor can I face my own reflection.

At night, I take in my surroundings.

I’m back at the clubhouse. At least, that’s where I think I am. I can’t know for sure. It looks like my old bedroom, even though this isn’t my furniture. The bed sheets smell like the fabric softener Maggie buys, but smells can be fabricated as easily as lies.

How do I know they’re telling me the truth? That I’m safe now… Free of Drew.

How can I be sure this isn’t another manipulation?

How do I know Drew isn’t going to walk through the door any second and tell me it’s time for my next appointment?

Part of me knows that’s ridiculous. That Maggie and Royce are my family and always have been—even before he got rid of my father. They’ll protect me at all costs.

But there’s a greater part of me that’s terrified I no longer have a strong grip on reality. What if the shock of being flung into that hotel room terrorized me so severely, my mind concocted a scenario in which I've been saved? To preserve itself and keep me from free-falling into an endless abyss.

I’ve never felt so lost before.

I can’t think. Can’t eat. Can’t sleep.

I haven’t uttered a single word since waking up.

I’m scared to do or say anything, uncertain of my ability to respond appropriately. I got myself into too much trouble with Drew by saying the wrong things. By refusing to submit to his requests.

So I make no attempt to decide my own fate.

I simply listen and wait for Maggie to tell me what to do. That way, hopefully, I won’t dig myself into a much larger hole than the one I’m already in.

Maggie brings me food. She “wakes me up” and forces me to eat it even though it makes my stomach turn. She gets me out of bed when she feels I need to move around. I hate leaving this room, but thankfully, I haven’t run into anyone else.

She washes me in the bathtub. I don’t like that because it reminds me too much of Drew.But I don’t fight her. I sit still, like a good girl should, and allow her to wash me as I stare at the wall.

I want to be sad.

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