Page 43 of Octane

He takes a deep breath and stands up, pacing in front of me.

“Jelly Bean, I was so ashamed. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you that your big, bad, dad needed help. I let my ego get in the way. I didn’t want you to worry about me or think that I failed.”

“Daddy, I never would have thought that.”

“I know, that’s the stupid part. I know you wouldn’t have seen me in that way. But you get your stubbornness from me, after all.” He smiles sadly.

“Is the company okay now?”

“Yeah, yeah. We’re back on track now. But, as you know, it takes years to turn a profit again, so I haven’t been able to pay the money back yet. I’m really sorry, Jelly Bean.”

“It’s okay,” I lie.

I do feel bad for my father. I know how hard he worked to get to where he is today, but at the same time, I’m furious and bitter. I feel so ungrateful, but I need that money. That was my ticket out, away from Daniel. What am I going to do now?

“You’re too good to me, Jelly Bean. Thank you for understanding.”

“Sure,” I say.

“Did you take the day off? Maybe we can go grab a quick lunch together?”

His question stings. “I’m going in late,” I lie again, but I can’t have that conversation right now. “I’d better get going.”

He gives me another hug and kisses me on the top of my head. “I love you, Jelly Bean. Let’s have lunch soon, okay?”

I nod my head against his chest before turning from him and grabbing the doorknob.

“Oh, Jelly Bean.” I turn when he calls my name. “What did you need the money for, anyway?”

“Just some condo renovations. Nothing important.” I shrug.

The ease in which I can lie on the spot hits me hard. I’ve been doing it so long, it’s become second nature to me. Giving my father one last smile, I leave his office. I’m eternally grateful that Darla isn’t at her desk when I leave. It feels like someone has ripped me in half, and there’s fire in my veins.

The determination that fueled me last night and into this morning has run dry. My engine was pumping, the gears were grinding, but there wasn’t enough octane to keep my life from going up in flames.

* * *

After I leftmy father’s office yesterday, I went home and slept. I had every intention of waking up before Daniel got home, but I didn’t even hear my alarm go off. He woke me up when he got home, and I remember telling him I felt sick, but that was it. When I woke up this morning, he’d already left for work.

It was a relief. My eyes were puffy, my head was pounding, and I felt like I had a massive hangover. I didn’t want to have to deal with him as well. I’m feeling a little better now, but I know it won’t last. We have dinner scheduled tonight at his parent’s house. My only saving grace is that my sister is going to be there. She agrees to deal with their bullshit once a month when we all get together for dinner. She used to attend because Daddy would guilt trip her into it, but now I think she does it for me.

Halfway into the twenty-minute drive to Bel Air, Daniel hasn’t spoken at all. He’s been acting differently the past few days. He’s quieter, lesshands-onthan he usually is. Although it’s a welcome respite, it also makes me very uncomfortable.

Could it be that he’s trying to find the gentleman he used to be? Has he had time to think about his behavior lately and he wants to change? No, I know better than to think either of those things are true anymore. The boy that I’ve been hanging my hopes on for far too long has vanished, never to return again.

“How was work?” I ask him.

I don’t care, I don’t want to know, but the deafening silence in the car is going to make me snap. What’s going through his head? Why has he been so distant? Fear of the unknown has me ready to burst. Is he planning something? Is he cheating on me? Do I care if he is? Not for myself, but I’d like to warn the poor girl he’s working over with hischarm.

“Busy,” he replies after a few seconds of more silence. “We’re short on help.”

And with that, he’s effectively shut me up for the remainder of the short drive.

When we get to the Kramer’s, Sylvia hugs me tight. It’s like she knows what I’m going through and is trying to secretly comfort me. I wonder if her relationship with Warren is the same as mine and Daniel’s.

“It’s so wonderful to see you.”

“It’s nice to see you, too, Sylvia.”

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