Page 87 of Octane

I’ve been in my gym clothes and ready to go since ten o’clock. Sitting on the floor in the hallway, I can see both the clock on the microwave as well as the keypad for the alarm. I’ve been watching them for the past fifteen minutes, but it’s felt like two hours. At one minute to eleven, my adrenaline is pumping fast, thinking about getting out of here on my own.

I count to sixty, and when I hear the beep alerting me that that alarm has been disarmed, I almost don’t believe it. Deep down, part of me thought that Daniel was playing a cruel joke on me. Instead of running out the door immediately, I’m caught up in my own head.

Does he really trust me?

I’m not going to give him any reason not to. This is what I’ve been waiting for. Even if it is a trick or if he changes his mind and this is the only day that I have, I need to get out there and make the most of it.

Hopping up, I walk to the door, step outside of the condo, and head for the elevator. When I get there, I can’t bring myself to push the button. All I can do is stand there and stare at the closed elevator door.

I don’t think I can bear being inside of the car. It holds too many incredible, heartbreaking memories.

Don’t do it. Don’t think about him.

But how can I not?

Images of Jackson and me flash through my mind. I smell sandalwood and citrus as though he is standing right next to me. When I close my eyes, I see him, bathed in red light in the elevator. Then he’s standing in the garage wearing his big, goofy grin. I see him in the stands at the track and in his office, handing me a tissue as I bare my soul to him.

My knees are getting weak, my chest hurts, and the anguish that I felt when I first got back here starts to bleed back into me.

Then the images begin to change.

We’re back in the elevator, but this time he has his hands all over me, kissing my neck. We’re in the hotel room in Florida, and he’s kissing away my tears. He’s on his knees in front of me in Darlington.

Stop!

When I open my eyes, I realize that I did have more tears left in me after all. I need to get outside and clear my head. But before I go downstairs, there’s something that I need to do.

I press the up button, calling the elevator to my floor. As my nerves go into overdrive, I can feel my pulse begin to rise.

What am I doing?

I get my first taste of freedom, and I decide to risk it right off the bat?

Damn right.

The elevator arrives, and the doors open. I step in, enter the access code that Jackson used the night that I left Daniel, and press the “P”. I pray that it hasn’t changed since then, and I sigh in relief when I feel the car rise.

My blood pumps harder the closer I get to the top floor. I hope he’s home, but even if he is, then what? What am I going to say to him? Does he even want to see me? Does he wish that we’d never met? That he didn’t spend so much money and energy signing me to his team?

Suddenly, I’m regretting my decision to come up here, but it’s too late now. The elevator doors open, and I slowly creep toward the door to Jackson’s penthouse. I’m terrified.

Of getting caught.

Of him turning me away.

I knock softly when I make it to his door.

He’s never going to hear that, even if he is in there.

I take a deep breath and knock harder this time, listening for any sign that someone might be inside. I don’t hear anything, so I knock one more time, telling myself if he doesn’t answer I’ll leave and go for my walk like none of this ever happened.

Nothing.

I turn around and press the down button. The doors open right away, and I get in. I try not to cry. I try to think about how incredible it’s going to feel being outside again.

But the excitement of going outside I felt earlier isn’t there any longer.

JACKSON

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