Page 35 of Octane

I don’t miss the way Sawyer’s leg bounces nervously as she rattles off another explanation, implicating herself as the person responsible for her abuser’s behavior. Another sign.

“Are you sure? He seemed really angry. Almost as angry as he was the other day at your office. Remind me, why did you wince when I touched your arms?”

“I had a hard workout the day before,” she deadpans without emotion.

She knows that I think she’s full of shit.

“So it wasn’t because he’d hurt you? Did he hit you? Grab you so hard the bruises were still there, days later? Did he make sure to only touch you where you could easily cover up the bruises with your clothing?”

“I appreciate your concern, Jackson.” Sawyer crosses her arms over her chest. “Really, I do. But that’s not what happened. I’m sorry, but you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She thinks she appears unphased by my questions. That she has herself and her emotions under control. That she can recite her memorized answers to me and I’ll believe her. I’ll back off and never question her again. But she’s wrong. I grew up watching my father beat my mother, watching him berate her over trivial matters. I know all the signs. Sawyer is in deep, and I’m not sure she even realizes it.

“What about the day you introduced us, in the lobby of our building? I overheard him say something about your image. About you not having any sex appeal.”

“You misunderstood what he said.” This time, her voice cracks, and I can see the tears well up in her eyes.

Standing, I walk into the hallway and grab the box of tissues from the credenza. Sitting next to her on the sofa this time, I offer them to her.

“I heard him, word for word, loud and clear. Sawyer, I know what abuse looks like, no matter what form. When you blame yourself for someone else’s aggression, like you just did, it’s because they have conditioned you to think that their anger is your fault.”

She stares at the ground, dabbing her eyes with the tissue.

“If you were to take your coat off and show me your arms, I would bet any amount of money that you have finger shaped bruises circling your biceps.”

“Jackson, you don’t understand,” she begins.

“I understand more than you think. I watched my mother go through it for years before I was old enough to step in and try to stop my father from hurting her.”

She looks up at me, surprised and saddened by my admission.

“Talk to me. Let me help you.”

“God, I don’t even know where to begin.”

She takes a deep breath.

“Start at the beginning.”

SAWYER

I’ve tried beingthe picture of perfection for so long, I was bound to slip, eventually. Of course, it had to be in front of Jackson. Although, from what he just said, he’s had me pegged for a while now. My heart clenched when he told me he watched as his father abused his mother. It’s such an awful thing for anyone to go through, but it’s even worse to subject a child to that kind of behavior. Jackson is lucky he didn’t end up like his father.

He’s one of the good ones.

The thought makes my tears fall faster. I take two more tissues from the box of Kleenex. Dabbing my eyes, I let him in.

“He wasn’t always like this. I’ve known him my entire life. Our families are close. My junior year of high school, we began dating. He was a freshman in college. For two years, everything was perfect.”

I pause to wipe my eyes and use that moment to take another deep breath.

“Things started going south with us when I got to college. First, he forbade me to live on campus. So I ended up moving in with him. Then, he told me I didn’t need to work so hard because I had him to take care of me. I was miserable. The only thing I had to keep me going was my racing, which he absolutely detests. He thinks it’s just a hobby, and making it a career is not something that I should aspire to do.”

I chance a look at Jackson, who is watching me with rapt attention.

“As the years moved on, he got much more possessive and angrier. I lost all of my friends, and I don’t see my family as often as I would like. If he had his way, I would be at home all day, every day. The perfect homemaker. I tried getting a job at different firms in the city, but he sabotaged all of my interviews. Finally, I had to beg him to let me work at Kramer Enterprises.”

I paused, feeling like I’ve been drained of all my energy. Then, I think back to the conversation I had with Daniel at dinner yesterday, and I scoff.

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