Page 10 of No Escape

“Rule number two—no personal displays of affection in front of the in-laws.”

Slash frowned and held up a hand. “For the record, I object to rule two and require additional clarification.”

“Slash, youhaveto back me up on this.” I looked at him earnestly. “These rules were written after much research by sociologists and people who have actually gone through the experience. They know what they’re talking about. If I can follow these rules, all will go well and they’ll like me.”

“If I want to kiss my wife in front of my parents, I’m going to do it.” He took my hand, rubbing his thumb across my palm.

My hands started to sweat just thinking of kissing him in front of my in-laws. “A small kiss is fine. But nothing overly suggestive.”

“Since when are we suggestive in public?”

“Never. But still, I want all the rules on the table. Moving on to rule number three—let the conversation flow naturally. I shouldn’t feel like I must answer every question, but I should be prepared to respond naturally and organically. As a result, I’ve got a list of potential questions and appropriate answers already inputted into an app on my phone. I’ve memorized most of them, so I feel fairly confident on that front.”

“A conversation app is neither natural nor organic. What if they ask you a question that’s not on the list?”

“I’ve already thought of that,” I said confidently. “I’ll simply steer the conversation back to a topic I’m ready to address.”

“I see.”

The way he said that made me worried. “You don’t think I can do it?”

“I think you can. I’m just not sure it will go as you expect.” He moved his hand from my palm and started playing with my hair, winding the strands around his finger.

I glanced over at him. “Why are you doing that with my hair? Are you trying to distract me?”

“Maybe. When you talk spreadsheet, it makes me want you.”

I sighed. “Slash, are you taking this seriously?”

He grinned and leaned over, his lips grazing my ear. “Absolutely. Please continue. Is there a rule four?”

“Rule four is do not pretend to be someone you’re not.”

“I’m not sure why that’s a rule. It seems like it should be a given. What’s rule five?”

“Rule five is don’t drink excessive amounts of alcohol. This shouldn’t be a problem for me. I’m aware of my limits.”

“Good. Is that all? Five cardinal rules?”

“That’s it for the rules. However, there are a few additional guidelines that suggest further appropriate behavior with the in-laws.”

“Five cardinal rules aren’t enough?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “There are ten commandments in the Bible. A few more guidelines in behavior rules with in-laws feels completely within acceptable parameters.”

“If you say so.” Slash dropped his hand from my hair and shifted in his seat, leaning over the spreadsheet. “What are these additional guidelines?”

I smoothed the paper, tapping on a line. “The first guideline suggests I should accept an invitation to do something your parents ask, even if it’s out of my comfort zone. This will demonstrate my eagerness to familiarize and integrate myself with your family. Another guideline says I should offer to help them do things, since it will show I’m hardworking and dedicated when assigned to a task. I should also offer compliments and comment favorably on their fashion, friendliness, and parenting skills. They raised you, after all, so those skills must be sharp. Finally, I should learn their hobbies and interests and ask lots of questions about them so I can glean more insight into their personality.” I folded up the paper and returned it to my back pocket. “It all seems fairly doable when it’s broken down into actions and rules on a spreadsheet. What do you think?”

“If you’re asking my opinion, I like rule four the best. Be yourself.”

“Iamgoing to be myself, just better,” I said with confidence. “I just don’t want them to feel like their son made a mistake.”

“I can assure you that they will never,everfeel that way, especially because they know how happy you make me.” Slash leaned over and kissed me on the nose. “Just be yourself, and they will love you as much as I do.”

It was nice of him to say that, but I wasn’t reassured. I knew they would have a lot of questions, and I wanted to be prepared to answer them as thoroughly and honestly as I could. “They’re going to want to know more about me, especially given our situation is unique.”

“In what way?”

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