Page 81 of No Stone Unturned

“It was an act,” he confirmed.

“He was never near death or brain damaged?”

“No. That was a cover story. He was examined by a so-called Vatican doctor, who was actually just another operative.”

She fell silent again. He had no idea how much time had passed before she finally spoke again. “Is this the information I would have found in the CIA file?”

“Yes, although it was largely speculation on the CIA’s part. Obviously, the Vatican would never admit to sponsoring an assassination, and, as far as I know, the pope at the time was never told. But it would have been enough for you to figure out the truth.”

A pensive look crossed her face. “Was the mission considered a success?”

Slash shook his head. “I wish it were that simple. Joseph Jakande took power as expected, but within weeks, he’d shelved the idea of a democracy. Instead, he became a worse despot than Apeloko. Hundreds of thousands of additional innocent people were murdered, while countless others were starved and tortured. It was all for nothing. The negotiations, the plans, the assassination—everything was a failure. We simply replaced one despot with another, and that blood is on our hands. Jakande remains in power to this day, still subjecting people to horrific atrocities, while we do nothing and let the people suffer.”

Another heavy silence ensued, but Slash waited. He had no idea what was going through Lexi’s head.

“This operative—the priest who wasn’t a priest who killed Apeloko—what happened to him after the mission?” Lexi asked.

“He requested, and was permitted, to go abroad to use his other talents to protect people in ways he hadn’t been able to before.”

She considered that. “Okay. So, that operative, the one who went abroad, did he use his talents to help others? Save others even?”

“He did. He is.”

“Good.” She turned on the bench to face him. “Because here’s the thing, Slash. We don’t live in a black-and-white world, as much as I wish we did. I used to be that person who saw only black-and-white. But you, more than anyone, taught me about the gray. The gray isn’t logical or linear or fair. Most of the time, it doesn’t make sense. But at some point, the operative who killed Apeloko and his son has to make a decision. Let go and stop reliving the past, or continue to punish himself and never move forward.”

The tightness in his chest was suffocating. “This was not the only isolated incident,cara. This operative has worn many faces and hurt many people. How much more can you stomach?”

To his surprise, she neither flinched nor shied away from him. “I can stomach them all, if you want to tell me.”

To this point, he’d been unable to refer to himself as the operative. It was a protective mechanism, something he’d had to learn early. Detachment. Dispassion. Distance. The three cardinal rules for this kind of work.

Yet, she’d known, perhaps all along, the operative was him and she hadn’t bolted. How could she be willing to stay and listen, knowing the kinds of things he had done?

“Why aren’t you appalled?” He needed to understand. “How can you just accept those things about me?”

She turned and framed his face with her hands. “Because, Slash, when you trust someone,lovesomeone, you believe in their integrity.”

He’d never wanted anything more than for her believe in him—to be worthy of her. But he feared she didn’t understand. “Did you hear what I said?” He looked at her incredulously. “I killed a child with my own hands.”

Her voice remained calm. “The church asked you to protect the people of the country, who were suffering greatly and had no one else to stand up for them. If anything was unjust, it was what was asked of you. They had to know it would hurt you. But apparently they felt there was no other choice. They must have had enormous trust in you to ask you to do that. Why can’t I, who love you even more, have that same trust?”

Disbelief swept through him. “You still don’t get it. It wouldn’t have mattered if Thako were nineteen and the head of the army or if he’d been ten and completely innocent. Whoever entered the room at that moment would have died. I would have killed them regardless of age.” He could hear the self-loathing in his voice. “I didn’t know how long Thako had been watching or if he saw me slip the poison in his father’s glass. I couldn’t have risked it. He was a liability the second he walked into that room, and I had to preserve the integrity of the mission.That’swhat I was thinking. That’sallI was thinking. If I’d been thinking about the people I was saving, it might have been different.”

She dropped her hands and shook her head. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Slash. It’s nothing short of torture. You were tasked with an exceptionally difficult job that, if successful, might have saved thousands, maybe millions, of lives. It was an incredibly complicated choice that had to be made in a split-second in the course of a dangerous mission.”

“I don’t know how else to say it to you,cara. I’m good at killing people. It’s a talent, a skill that, even now, despite my new position at the NSA, I’m still occasionally tapped to use. I didn’t want you to know that about me. I never wanted you to know.”

She flinched at the vehemence in his voice, but she still didn’t back down or back away from him. What the hell was he doing? Was hetryingto drive her away?

She kept winding and unwinding the ribbon of her hat around her finger without saying anything, so he had no idea was going on in that mind of hers. Yet no matter how many different ways he viewed it, he couldn’t see how she could come to any conclusion other than he was monster.

His head snapped up when she finally spoke. “Why do they tap you, Slash? Surely the CIA has its own cadre of assassins. Why would they risk someone as valuable as you on dangerous missions? I don’t get it.”

He was grateful she hadn’t leaped to any conclusions and had given him the benefit of the doubt. He took a moment to put his thoughts in order, to explain it to her without divulging anything he shouldn’t.

“It’s a different world out there,cara,and it’s changing every day. You know better than most that our wars are moving from the physical to the virtual. Today, everyone, from the terrorist on up to the worst despot, has a computer, a smartphone and highly evolved security systems surrounding their homes and offices. Unfortunately, those people who are the most dangerous are often funded by those who can afford to give them those items to make them impenetrable. The hard truth is you can’t just send in an assassin anymore to take care of things. It has to be someone who has skills on multiple fronts, including language and cyber skills, and is able to execute those skills on a moment’s notice while in the field, and usually while completely isolated.”

She closed her eyes. “Oh, Slash. No wonder they come to you.” She sounded sad, but not horrified.

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