Page 84 of This Loving Feeling (Mirror Lake)

“It’s what I’ve always done.”

“It’s what you’ve always doneto avoid commitment. You think I would have learned that about you by now, but obviously I didn’t. But I know you, Lukas. You’ve done everything you could to be successful and you’ve made it, you really have. But you’re never going to stop craving that success. You’ll get one contract, but it won’t be enough. You’ll have to try for an even bigger one. You still see yourself as that nobody-kid and you’ll be proving that you’re not to yourself and to everyone else for the rest of your life.”

She smiled sadly. “I’m not something to reassess. Either you love me or you don’t. I can’t tell you how to live your life but I can decide how to live mine, and it’s not going to be to please you or my family or anyone. I wish you the best. I hope you slay your demons. Good-bye, Lukas.”

Somehow she left him, ran into the kitchen for her purse and walked down the driveway to her car. Oh, he’d tried to stop her but she just hightailed it out of there as fast as she could. She’d just exited the driveway when her phone rang. It was Alethea, and she pulled off the road to answer. “The Buckhorns have withdrawn their million-dollar pledge,” she said, “and they’ve chosen not to cover any of the expenses for tomorrow night—the caterers, the appetizers, the wine, the decorations. What shall I do?”

“Oh, Alethea.” Sam rested her head against the steering wheel, trying to absorb its coolness. Trying to think clearly through the aching sadness that burrowed clear down to her marrow. Desperately struggling to come up with something comforting or brave to say, but no words came. Of course the Buckhorns would withdraw their support. They’d never really cared about the theater, just about keeping her occupied with a “little project.” Now that her connection with Harris was broken, there was no reason for them to continue pretending they cared.

Taking on the theater restoration had been risky but it had become a passion, and she’d never really thought about not succeeding. She’d loved it so much, the idea that the project could fail had never seriously occurred to her. The idea that they could fail when they werethis closewas even more of a shock.

Lukas, on the other hand, had always been a risk. But there again, she thought love would be enough to see them through. She knew better than to get involved with him. But she had anyway and he’d broken her heart again.

Sam’s grandma answered the door of her apartment at Assisted Living with pink sponge rollers in her hair and wearing a pink fuzzy zip-up robe and orthopedic slippers.

“Why, hello, dear,” Effie said, immediately taking in the look on her face. “What is it? Did somebody die?”

“I know it’s late but can I come in and talk?” Sam took a big breath. “Lukas is leaving, Effie. He’s taking Stevie with him.”

“Oh.” Effie grabbed her arm and pulled her inside, shutting the door. Then she led Sam to the couch and sat her down, taking a seat beside her.

It didn’t take long for Sam to spill tears and her story, just as she had so many times before when she was much younger and her problems weren’t nearly so tangled. Effie listened with the same endless patience she’d always had, rubbing her back and holding her hand like she was ten again. “He’s booked for months with a tour and a record contract and ... I told him I wasn’t going to quit my job and follow him. I came this close to doing that for Harris. I can’t give up my identity for someone else. Even if it’s Lukas.”

Effie squeezed her hand. “I’m so sorry, dear.”

“I love him, Ef. But I don’t think he’s capable of committing. And maybe I’m not capable of compromising.”

Effie frowned. “Do you love Lukas?”

“Yes! Of course I do. But he hasn’t said it. He can’t. It’s just not in him.” Well, she was right to expect nothing short of love, and he should want to say it, right?

“Life’s a game of chance and sometimes you’ve got to risk it all. I wish I had.”

“What do you mean?” What was she telling her? That she hadn’t given Lukas everything? Because she had. Hadn’t she?

“Samantha, I’m not as sweet as I seem. I’ve had my trials like everyone else. You know I was only thirty when your grandfather died. I was young and lonely and ... eventually there was a man.”

“A nice man?”

“A very nice man.” She smiled a bit wistfully. “He worked at the bank and we dated. Secretly. I was so afraid not to expose your mother to any more trauma after your grandfather died. I didn’t want her to get attached to someone who might not be around.”

“I worry about that with Stevie all the time,” Sam said.

“Well, things happened as they did, seeing as Lukas and Stevie entered your life at practically the same time. But in my case, I went to great lengths to hide my relationship. My mother encouraged me to. Of course, she flaunted her own widowhood like a banner her entire life after my own father died when I was nineteen. She never was able to move forward.

“One day my friend got a promotion. He asked me to pick up and move with him to another city. I was terrified. Everything I knew was here. I was worried about uprooting your mother, of leaving my family and my support system.”

“Did he ask you to marry him?”

“No, but I bet he would have if I had compromised. He wanted to meet your mother, be a part of her life. He waited for me for a long time after he moved. But I always had some excuse or another. I was so afraid, and so guilty, as if loving somebody else would have desecrated your grandfather’s memory. Anyway, I was a fool.” She made a dismissive gesture.

“The point is, Samantha, sometimes you have to have the courage to go out of your comfort zone. I must admit, getting rid of that Harris was a good start. But don’t stop there, if you really love this man.”

“What happened to—er—your friend?”

“He married someone else and had a handful of children.”

“I’m sorry, Effie.”

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