Page 57 of Top Shelf

I’ve spent so many years hating myself for the way I left Tyson. But now that I’ve grown some, I realize that, in my mind, I wasn’t deserving of it. The things Tyson made me feel, the things hestillmakes me feel…I’d never experienced. I’d never had a love that I didn’t have to try desperately to receive. And Tyson gave me that. And I was scared. I ran from it before it could run from me.

But these last few months with him, I know now that I’ll never find another love like his. Not just the way he feels about me, but the way I feel about him. The way I’d do literally anything for him, even if it means sitting down with my abusive, soon-to-be ex-husband and looking him in the eye.

So that’s exactly what I do.

He stands as I make my way to the table—God forbid he be seen as anything other than a perfect gentleman in public—and holds his hand out for me to sit.

“I was surprised you called,” he says as he unfolds his napkin and puts it in his lap. I clear my throat. “But then, I got to thinking, ofcourseyou’d callafterthe police show up. Not before to make sure I was okay.After,”he says, this sickening smile on his face. I always hated the way his face could stay cool and collected, even while the vilest shit spewed out of his lips.

“For once in your life, Hayden, can you spare me the absolute bullshit?” I say, surprising myself with the confidence I all of a sudden have. It’s funny what you’ll do for the people you love. His eyes narrow on me as he takes a sip of his beer.

Three-thirty on a Tuesday. Perfect time for a drink.

“What will it take for you to drop this bullshit?” I ask him, straight up. “What do youwant,Hayden?” I grit my teeth when I say his name.

He scoffs as he throws back the last of the beer, setting the bottle back down on the table.

“You think you can just come in an offer…what? What do you have that would be worth this?” he says. “This is whatyouwanted, Sadie. You chosehim. Well, congratulations. This is the life you get with him.”

I grit my teeth, my fists clenched so tight under the table that my knuckles are white.

“And with you, I probably would have wound up dead,” I say.

His eyes grow wide, and he cocks his head to the side. I can see his chest start to heave up and down with big, labored breaths. Now he’s the one with clenched fists, and I recognize this look in his eyes. The Dr. Jekyll that starts with this strange, glazed-over look. Where he’s internally fighting his own rage but slowly losing.

I watch as his eyes start to move quickly around us, scanning the room, trying to remind him where he is. He clears his throat and tugs at his collar gently before smiling. But this smile is less refined. Less controlled.

“Oh, Jesus Christ, Sadie,” he chuckles. “Listen to the psycho-babble they’ve put into your head. Like I’d hurt you? Give me a fuckin’ break. Like I don’t have better things to do then push you around,” he says, lowering his voice toward the end when the waitress comes back with another beer. He thanks her warmly, taking a long, slow swig of the gasoline that lights his angry fire. His eyes are still moving around, like he’s not sure where to look. Like he doesn’t know what’s safe. But I keep mine right on him. Right on his eyes.

“You’re not going to trick me into thinking that I blew this out of proportion, Hayden,” I say, my voice steady. “I know what I saw. I know what I heard, and I know what I felt when you shoved me into that door.”

He scoffs again, taking another swig and looking around the room, ensuring no one hears me.

“Shut the fuck up,” he growls. I’m not exactly being quiet.

“Why, Hayden? What will you do?” I coax him. I don’t know why I feel so emboldened. I guess it’s because I feel this sense of a last straw. The last chance I have to corner him. To make him feel an ounce of what he’s made me feel all these years. To take my control back. It’s like I’m watching myself, an out of body experience. And I’m liking what I’m seeing.

“Shut thefuckup,” he says again through gritted teeth. And this time, I smile. I lean across the table, nice and slow, never once breaking my contact from his eyes until he’s forced to look at me again.

“You already destroyed one of my lives,” I say to him. “I gave you too much of me. But I forgive myself, because I was scared. But I’m not scared anymore, Hayden. And I refuse to be your victim anymore. And I won’t let Tyson be either.”

“God dammit,” he growls, looking around.

“You won’t lay another hand on me,” I say, “and you won’t take Tyson down just because you finally lost for once in your life. Because that’s what happened here, Hayden. Youlost. Even if you go through with this bogus assault charge, you stilllost. Because you will never have me again.”

I watch as the switch goes off in his eyes. He stands up from the table, smacking his beer bottle so that it goes flying off, hitting me in the face, and then crashing to the floor and breaking into a million pieces.

“I said, shut thefuckup!” he screams, the rage in full effect now. It scares me, and my cheek hurts where the bottle hit me, but I keep myself calm. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her making her way to us.

“Well, that made for good TV,” Demi says, tapping on her phone. “Thanks for the show, Hayden. Fucking asshole. You okay?”

Just as she’s reaching for my hand to pull me up from the booth, the manager approaches us.

“Ma’am, are you alright?” he asks. I nod as Demi pulls me to my feet. I’m shaky, but I won’t let Hayden see. He’s still standing there, huffing like the Big Bad Wolf. And I’m finally ready to be the brick house.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the premises,” he says. Hayden’s eyes slowly find their way to him.

“I’m a guest at the hotel,” he snarls. The manager clears his throat.

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