Page 84 of Wild About You

The thing is, I knew what it was. I knew it because I recognised the box: blue leather, gold tooling, and with a small chunk knocked out of the leather where I’d thrown it across the room.

The box contained my engagement ring.Ourengagement ring.

He was smiling; I was sinking. Couldn’t he see it on my face? How could he misread this situation so completely?

‘I’m ready for us to move on,’ he said, putting his hand over mine. ‘Together.’

I cleared my throat. ‘Can I have some water please?’ I called to the nearby waiter. He nodded and went off to the kitchen.

I started coughing. It was as though my throat had closed up. Sean rubbed my back and I stifled the urge to elbow him in the face.

Why so angry, Anna?

This would need next-level journalling when I got home. It would need craft supplies: glitter, watercolours, possibly even papier mâché.

The water came, I drank and descended into silence.

‘What d’you say?’ he said, as though we were joking around. He opened the box, and at the sight of the familiar diamond cluster I felt sick to my stomach. I slammed the box shut.

‘Hey…’ He looked wounded.

‘Explain,’ I croaked, and had to take another sip of water. ‘Explain what you mean by move on.’

‘Oh.’ He hadn’t prepared for this. Lord, he really had me down as a pushover. But then he had known yes-girl-Anna, three-bags-full-Anna, embrace-the-power-of-yes-Anna.

‘It’s been difficult,’ he said. ‘For both of us. I know. Processing what happened. The fact is, I thought I could move on, but I can’t. I’m in love with you, Anna. I’m ready to accept you – as you are. I can live without kids. As long as I’ve got you.’

I swallowed hard. ‘So,’ I said, ‘let me get this right. You’ve road-tested a hundred other women but they’re just not quite right. So you’ve decided to forgive me for something that was never my fault in the first place.’

I could see him processing the words, and it was takinga long time. He was a smart guy, but something wasn’t computing.

‘I never said forgive,’ he said. ‘That’s not what I meant. And I thought this was what you wanted? You wanted us to stay together.’

I realised I was tapping my foot. I was sitting on a bubbling cauldron of emotion that was threatening to erupt at any moment.

‘It was,’ I said. ‘But I’m not so sure now. You’re fine with it now, in this precise moment, but what about in five years? Ten? Every Christmas, when the TV is showing ads with little kids and perfect families? I reckon you’ll milk it for everything it’s worth.’ I adopted a whiny, high-pitched voice that I didn’t recognise. ‘Ooh, Anna, I’m so sad about not having babies, you’d better buy me a Porsche to make me feel better!’

He flinched. ‘Why are you being so horrible?’

‘Maybe Iamhorrible, Sean. Or maybe honesty hurts sometimes. Anyway, this is me, the real Anna, nice to meet you. You were pretty horrible back in the day too. Turns out humans often are. You say you’re ready to accept me, like some consolation prize. I tell you what, why don’t you pop yourself back on Tinder and try out some morelaydeez, give yourself a real run at finding happiness?’

‘This isn’t you. You’re hurt, I get it. I’ve been hurting too. But we can get over this.’

‘Okay.’ I took a breath. ‘You say you want me as I am. What is that, exactly?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘What do you love about me?’

‘Um…’ He sat and thought for so long I thought I was going to have to order another coffee.

‘Your eyes,’ he said. ‘I love how they shine when you’re happy.’

‘And?’

‘You’re a great hostess. You have lovely skin. You like cooking. You’re clever. You’re kind.’ There were actual tears in his eyes. ‘You always pick me up when I fall.’ He nodded. ‘Metaphorically speaking.’

I nodded back. ‘That’s nice. It’s not quite right, though. You missed a few key qualities out. I’m sarcastic, Sean, really sarcastic.’

---