Page 68 of Wild About You

‘So my question is, why wouldn’t you want more of that?’

Now it was my turn to stare into the depths of my coffee. The question hollowed me out. How to explain to him that I knew what would happen? How the children issue would corrode us, as time passed? That it was better to have one perfect night and remember us as that, rather than losing all hope and joy as the bitterness slowly crept in, like ivy growing over an unkept garden, choking all life out of it?

‘Is it what I told you?’ he said. ‘In the bothy? Do you think I’m too fucked up?’

‘No!’ I put my coffee down. ‘Jamie, no. This is nothing to do with that. It’s nothing to do with you. This is all on me.’

‘Right,’ he said tightly, as though he didn’t believe me.

‘You have to trust me when I say that my fertility issues would change things,’ I said carefully. ‘Maybe not now, or even in a year’s time. But eventually it would. And then you’d be left with nothing – no child, no happy memories, and even less time to begin again with someone else.’

‘I don’t believe that,’ he said. ‘Couldn’t we at least try?’

‘Let me ask you something,’ I said.

He nodded.

‘Have you always thought you’d have children?’

He swallowed. ‘Yes.’

‘And have you always liked the idea of having children?’

‘Yes.’

‘Exactly. This isn’t about whether to plant dahlias in the garden, or paint the bathroom blue. This is fundamental. If you stayed with me, I’d take something away from you. Andif we embarked on a relationship, and then you decided it wasn’t working, you’d take something away from me. I’ve been there, Jamie. I can’t go through it again.’

He looked at me properly then, deep into my eyes. Took my hand. ‘Anna…’

I shook my head, my eyes prickling with tears. ‘It’s a no, Jamie. For both our sakes. You’ll thank me in ten years’ time.’

‘No, I won’t.’ He picked up the mug and sipped from it. ‘Let’s just give it a chance. We can go as slow as you want.’

‘I’m not having this conversation,’ I burbled on, trying to maintain a superficially bright tone. ‘It seems to me you have your countess right there.’ I thought of Lucinda. Thought of how many times I’d subconsciously compared myself to her – tall, lithe, blonde, never a hair out of place. Whilst I crashed through life with my hair like a bird’s nest, barely knowing my left from my right.

And there was her voice, of course. That perfect, cut-glass voice. The signifier of a class I would never feel at home in.

‘What are you talking about?’ Jamie looked bewildered.

‘Lucinda, of course,’ I said. ‘I think she’s perfect for you.’ And I marvelled how sensible and in control I sounded.

‘Let me get this right.’ Jamie had put his coffee down, and he was staring at me with a granite-hard gaze. ‘Yesterday, I told you things about my life that I’ve never told anyone. I did the one thing everyone’s always telling me to do: let go. Let someone in. So I did. In every single way possible. And now you’re suggesting I marry someone else?’

I sat very still and looked into the middle distance. The space between us seemed to stretch into miles. I could have reached out and touched him at that moment, but something kept me frozen to the spot.

‘For God’s sake, Anna…’ He put his hand on my knee. ‘Will you at least look at me?’

I wouldn’t look at him. Instead, I groped for words that would put an end to all of the difficult feelings. I remembered a distant conversation with Rose, three cocktails into a long evening, when we’d concluded that my life should be about fun, about flings. About moving on.It’s just sex, Anna, I remember her saying.You need to chill out about it.

I had to lie to him. It was for the best. It would save both of us more pain.

‘I thought it was just about sex,’ I murmured. I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t let him see the terror I felt at the truth. This had been so much more than that. Every touch had told a different story.

I cleared my throat and hammered it home. ‘As far as I was concerned, this was a one-night stand.’ The silence that followed my words seemed to have its own quality. I felt as though I’d dropped a heavy stone into a deep lake.

‘Fuck this.’ He got up from the table. I wanted to stop him but I couldn’t move. Instead I watched him put his coat on, search for his car keys. Finally he found them and turned back towards me. His face was pale, his eyes blank. I wanted so badly to go to him, to put my arms around him. Instead I stayed there, arms folded over my chest.

‘What a dreadful, horrible mistake this has been,’ he said, staring at me as though I was a stranger. ‘Let’s just forget it, shall we?’ He laughed bitterly. ‘Everything through Callum, as before, eh?’

---