Page 50 of Wild About You

Her giggle was breathless, so uncharacteristic that I knew straight away. ‘Are you a witch?’ she said, unable to repress the smile spreading across her face. ‘I might just be a tiny bit pregnant.’

The shriek that erupted from me was unexpected even to me, and Fi laughed as I jumped in the air and stretched out my arms. ‘Oh my God! I can’t even hug you, can I? You’re too delicate. Don’t pick anything up.’

‘Of course you can hug me!’

‘I promise not to squeeze too hard.’ I embraced her and did an impromptu dance around the kitchen. ‘Who else have you told?’

‘No one. We want to keep it quiet until the twelve-week scan. It’s just you and your witchy ways.’ She grinned as I flung a handful of chocolate biscuits on a blue and white plate.

‘I’m so happy for you,’ I said, feeling the need to opena bottle of champagne, then realising that was impossible because a) I didn’t have any and b) Fi wouldn’t drink any. ‘Sit down, sit down.’ I served her tea and biscuits then sat down opposite her, squeezing her hand.

‘I don’t want to talk about it too much, if that’s okay,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to count on it – so early.’

‘Understood.’ I raised my tea mug and we ‘cheers’d’ each other. ‘I won’t talk to you about it until you speak to me first. But I’m always here.’

‘I know.’ She touched my knee. ‘Thank you. Now – er – I hate to be nosy, obviously – but who are the flowers from?’

The flowers. I’d completely forgotten about them, lolling in their gift bag on the kitchen counter in shades of cream and purple. I fished around in the bag and found the tiny envelope with the card, addressed to Ms Anna Whitlock. I tore it open and pulled out the card.

So you’ve blocked me. But I still miss you. Talk to me, Anna.

Sean xx

‘Anna?’ Fi’s voice broke into my thoughts. ‘What’s wrong, love? Your face is a picture.’

‘I’m fine.’ I pinned a smile to my face. ‘They’re from Sean. To be honest I wish he’d just do one. I’m impressed he remembered where I’ve moved to. Normally anything I told him was mysteriously wiped from his memory within thirty seconds.’ I went back to the sofa and dipped a chocolate biscuit in my tea.

‘They did the rounds before they got to the office,’ said Fi. ‘Apparently Lucinda thought Jamie had bought them for her so things got a bit complicated. I was glad to jump into the car and deliver them.’

I swallowed back questions about Jamie and Lucinda and moved the conversation on. We talked about books, TV and the glory of the warmer weather.

‘I’d best leave you to your peace and quiet,’ said Fi, after a while. ‘Sorry to interrupt your blissful day working from home.’

‘It was slightly too quiet actually,’ I said. ‘I almost missed Tally.’

‘So you’re finally feeling at home?’ she said quietly.

‘I wouldn’t go that far.’

She grinned and we hugged and said goodbye. I faithfully promised to visit her and Richard for film night on Friday.

After she’d gone, I carefully clipped the leaves off my bouquet and emptied the sachet of plant food into a vase, mixed it with water, and slowly arranged the flowers. I even managed to impress myself with my own serenity. I finished the document I was working on, then noted the time and closed my computer down. It was just past five and a soft light was falling through the cottage window, lighting up the grey flagstones. Through an open casement I could hear the birds singing, nothing else.

As I chopped vegetables for dinner, I examined my feelings. Fi had brought big news to my little hideawayand I needed to check the chinks in my armour. But after a minute or two I realised I wasn’t wearing any. There’d been no reason to defend myself, or to hide my feelings.

When Sean and I had been trying fruitlessly for a baby, and we’d started having medical investigations, every baby announcement had cut me. Whether it was a friend, colleague or acquaintance, it had always felt like a dagger to the heart. I knew the unworthiness of these feelings; the smallness that I had resented other people’s babies because I couldn’t have my own. But disliking myself for my feelings had made things even worse, and since I came to Stonemore I’d begun to accept that feelings were just that – neither good nor bad, just there. As long as I didn’t actively do anything to distress anyone, as long as I didn’t wish anyone ill, I could hold on to good Anna, true Anna, even if her inner voice was quiet and tinny like a turned-down radio.

In the past I’d got good at play-acting joy; congratulations were offered without hesitation, and even I knew the right expression to paint across my face. Sometimes acting – you might even call it lying – is the best and kindest thing to do, and I’d elevated it to a noble art.

As I cooked, I checked my feelings again. Once, twice, three times. And I found, astonishingly, nothing negative at all. When I’d danced for joy, it wasn’t some pretence – an automatic performance to hide my pain. I’d been happy, really happy. The feeling was simple: a singing emptiness that left me feeling empty and full at the same time. Nocomplex corners or shadows. No need to hide. My joy was as straightforward as my pain had once been.

Dinner was delicious. The landline phone rang twice that evening, but both times it was Sean, so I ignored it.

CHAPTER 15

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if a person has concentrated on taking home everything that might possibly be needed for working from home, a single vital thing will be left behind. For me it was the tiny memory stick I’d saved some plant lists on. I was planning to turn my attention to the parterre, with the idea of adding some herbs and flowers. My garden design instincts had been coming alive again; I’d been daydreaming about banks of English lavender, fragrant in the summer sunshine, and swathes of love-in-a-mist, with their spiky green foliage and soft blue petals.

Luckily I realised the memory stick was missing at the precise moment I opened my eyes on Wednesday morning, so once I’d showered and dressed, I decided to nip to the staff office before anyone else was around. Sure enough the office was empty, and I quickly found the stick, popping it into my purse and locking the desk drawer.

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