Page 61 of Knot Their Opening Act

“Apologies, guys,” I say as clearly as I can into the mic. “Fighting a cold I think. Throat’s gone dry. Let me start that one again.”

I know the camera showed me on the big screen but I have to believe that at least half the crowd was on their phone, grabbing their drink, fixing their dress, or otherwise not fully engaged in the seconds that happened. I’m not so much embarrassed about the fall as I am about the crowd knowingwhyI fell. That I panicked. That I have claustrophobia and anxiety to a degree that makes this the most preposterous career choice. Maybe only an elevator repair or a Channel Tunnel train driver job would be worse.

I start to strum, and then sing, as Shayoohsandahhson the background vocals.

Three months ago

you said you’d know

by now what it was you were after.

Well now we’re sat here,

with truth nowhere near,

and fate doesn’t have any answers…

The crowd sings along, as they’ve done on this song the past few nights, and that momentum keeps my body and voice going. But my spirit is crushed. This fall along with whatever videos and cruelty is posted online is sure to make tonight a flop. I felt more confident after being with Nico, but not having proper rest, or a clear head, or control of my heat because of my own sloppy mistake has caught up with me. Taunting me.

You don’t deserve to be here. You never have.

Maybe I can finally admit that to myself.

* * *

The crowd cheers as I leave and it’s probably for that reason. I saw no signs or banners for me, nothing apart from one woman wearing a JEZ shirt with my profile on it, part of the merch that Ash had organized last minute.

It’s cute, but it’s also weird, seeing my face on someone’s chest. I was grateful for that one fan, because right now it feels like she might be the only one in the world.

As I head offstage and hand my Taylor to the guitar tech with a whispered thank you, I focus on one thing only: holding my head high and the smile in place on my cheeks. I sense Thomas and Nico in the wings, having watched at least the end of my terrible set, but I don’t look their way.

Caylee is at my shoulder immediately. “All right?”

“I just need a minute,” I say. “Viv.”

Caylee nods and walks briskly at my side down the back corridor to my dressing room. She unlocks it and nods to the security outside, and ushers me in the room.

“Do you want anything? Food?”

I shake my head, then remember to smile. “Thanks, Caylee.”

“You bet. I’ll check back in fifteen, that okay?”

I nod and am already ringing Viv’s phone.

Then as soon as the door shuts, I cancel the call and take a deep breath.

The last thing I want is Viv thinking I can’t handle this without her. She’s still in hospital until tomorrow at least, anyhow, and I’m not depriving her of any rest time.

I grab a fizzy water from the fridge and sit in a knackered armchair to twist the cap. To be fair, the pre-heat nausea knocked me sideways but it’s mostly gone. Now it’s more or less waves of molten lava rippling from the center of my outward, and a reckless urge I can barely contain. But with it sometimes comes the pounding sensation of entrapment.

Though despite that, it’s not because of heat that I long for Holden’s confident touch, or Thomas’s dark, sparkling gaze, or Nico’s mischievous mouth and unwavering support.

Or Kai’s skin to touch mine once more, this time not in public, not an agonizing, searing twist of pain in my core. But a caress, a grip on my body, his knot pressed against me before filling me with all of him.

I shake myself. Those things are the opposite of the answer to these problems. I have to do this by myself.Haveto. To prove, by myself, that I can be professional, can carry this opening slot that I earned through hard work. And no anxiety, no fear, no goddamned Alpha boys will make me weaken my resolve again.

I need full control ofme,and that’s something no one else can give.

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