Page 73 of You Belong With Me

‘I promised him mashed potatoes! Seriously, when carnivores try my garlic and black pepper mash with coconut milk, they’re converted. And the lacto-ovo vegetarians love it, too – it might persuade them to stop being Nazi collaborators.’

Since they began cohabiting, Meg had toned down the politicisation of her legume-sludge and started trying to please palates as well as educate diners. It was a work in progress.

‘Megan,’ Edie said, standing up to feed Beryl and Meryl their nightly chef’s baby carrot treat, ‘you can invite him, butdo notbring it up. He’s sensitive about it, as you would be. And don’t call anyone a Nazi.’

‘This Saturday? Would Hannah and Nick like to come? With their girlfriends?’

‘Ah, nice thought – I’ll ask.’

As it turned out, Declan, Hannah, and Nick RSVPed in the hearty affirmative, but without a plus one in Nick’s case.

When the evening arrived, while Meg laboured at the stove, Edie made sure wine was uncorked, candles were lit, music was on, and pitta corners and dips were plentiful, to make Declan’s assimilation smooth.

Nick, Hannah, and Chloe were their easy, chatty selves, andDeclan as open and amiable as ever. He was in that category of people you could confidently throw in with anyone and trust that he’d find common ground, but Hannah and Nick’s sardonic unpretentiousness was his wavelength. Edie had the pleasure of seeing someone who’d intended to make an effort with a group of unknowns realising none was required.A state of flow,as Elliot had referred to it recently.

After they’d seen off their mushroom bourguignon and the fabled mash, Declan lavish in his praise, Nick announced: ‘Ros and I are kaput, by the way. I said she was busy on WhatsApp because I didn’t want to go into it until I saw you.’

‘Oh no!’ Edie, Hannah, and Chloe chorused.

‘If I don’t tell you why, those two’ – he gestured at Edie and Hannah – ‘will go on at me about how I didn’t give it my all, what with my ex-wife on my case. Ros doesn’t care who knows her business. So here it is: I liked her a lot. I welcomed the pet ferret. Schubert had a slight odour, but he was docile. I believe his review of me said much the same. The roller-skating was fine. The crystals woo and reiki healing was tolerable, although I didn’t get it. But turns out Ros was very into threesomes, and I wasn’t up for that.’

There was an astonished pause, during which only Lana Del Rey on the Bluetooth speaker dared contribute.

‘Threesomes?’ Hannah repeated. ‘With other men or other women?’

‘Yup. Either. I was offered both. I’m too old for shenanigans,’ Nick said. ‘When my father was approaching forty, he got into luxury motorhoming. He wasn’t worrying about pleasuring stranger’s G-spots with vibrating silicone nodules. DoingClone-A-Willy for a wheeze, or what have you. I’m left cold by Satanic gadgetry.’

The company held their collective breath and then sank into quiet hysteria as Nick calmly prodded a leftover breadstick into his mash and crunched.

‘Clone-A-Willy? Is that a thing you can do?’ Meg said, and Nick explained plaster cast moulds while Edie studiously avoided meeting Declan’s eyes.

‘This was a dealbreaker for her?’ Chloe asked.

‘Yeah, pretty much. Never said in so many words, but it became clear she didn’t see long years stretching ahead of her with no “experimentation”. All I saw was a regular crate dig at Rob’s Records and pints. My kink: sonic truffle hunting.’

‘Making threesomes a basic ask is … a lot?’ Declan said, and Edie was secretly reassured that someone with Declan’s relative youth and options thought it was fruity. ‘Some of us are glad enough when one person agrees to sleep with us,’ he added. Modest, too.

‘Ros asked: “Well, whatison your sexual bucket list?”’ Nick said. ‘I said: “Susanna Hoffs,” and apparently that was the wrong answer.’

Declan almost slid sideways off his chair, and he and Edie’s eyes met in mirth.

‘In all seriousness, while I remain terrorised by the sex positivity, Ros is a great person and we’re staying friends. I’ll always be grateful to her for shaking me out of the drinking phase when I wasn’t seeing Max. I feel quite rosy about turning thirty-seven in a fortnight. Please join me incelebrating my two-person participant erotic lifestyle, two weeks from today.’

‘Oh yes,’ Hannah said. ‘One request, no venue with a “living wall” that is in fact plastic rainforest plants, full of pulsing LED lights or with a brainless phrase in cursive neon. An aesthetic abomination. They’ve turned neighbourhood pubs into kid’s soft play areas.’

‘Our own Nicky Haslam with herthings that are “common”list,’ Nick said. ‘I was thinking the Mexican place in Hockley. Declan, you’re very welcome, too. Edie said you don’t know Nottingham? Here’s your ticket to its fast lane.’

‘Grand, that’d be great …’ Declan said. ‘A mate’s over from Dublin then – I could bring him, if that’s all right? Kieran’s mostly house-broken.’

‘Of course,’ Nick said.

Declan glanced at Edie for reassurance, and she smiled encouragingly.

‘You’re going to New York this weekend coming?’ Hannah said to Edie.

‘Yup. Would’ve been this one, but Elliot’s on his brother’s stag do in Dubrovnik.’

‘Are you flying First Class?’ Nick said. ‘I’ve always wanted to know what that’s like. Give me the turning left experience in detail.’

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