Page 71 of If I Never Met You

‘Would he have forgiven you the same?’ Nadia said.

‘No. He said he wouldn’t have.’

‘There’s your answer then. Why should you have done?’

Laurie wasn’t often stunned into contemplative silence. Dan had played this aspect as hugely romantic –I couldn’t bear it! Ugh, the thought! Kill me now rather than make me think this thought– and Laurie had taken it as proof that their relationship should be saved. His misstep wasn’t the start of:hey yeah we’ll fall off the wagon from time to time,maybe we should make things open; it reaffirmed they wanted to protect it.

And yet— How had Laurie, living in such an outwardly modern, feminist and equal partnership, actually been quite unequal? Dan got his way, pretty much all the time. He didn’tgive to Laurie what Laurie gave to him. She’d never noticed. She’d thought sassy humour, sharing the chores and her own salary was the whole story.

But they developed roles, and it was Dan as cosseted and indulged tearaway kid to Laurie’s doting, responsible adult. She never got to be delinquent.

In this moment, she made herself a promise: in the very unlikely event she found herself in love with anyone again, she’d assert herself. She’d say what she wanted, not endlessly accommodate his needs. If that made her a bitch at any point, so be it. There were no rewards to being a walkover.

‘I’m Ubering,’ Emily said, outside, phone in hand. ‘Donal is one minute away. Ah, here he is!’ she said, as the car drew up alongside her. ‘Thanks for a great night out, girls. We can’t go back to that bar for the time being by the way.’

‘What? Why?’ Laurie said. ‘I liked it there.’

‘I’ve swapped numbers with the barman, Rob, so we need to see how that plays out.’ She looked at her phone. ‘Sweet Lord, he’s messaging me pictures already. Keeno.’ Emily made a face. ‘Ooh. Filth.’

‘What? His … thing?’ Nadia said.

Emily peered at her screen and swiped. ‘Bit of thing, some of the other.’

‘Bumhole?’ Laurie asked, cheerfully. She was never dating again, simple as that.

‘Not bumhole, I mean clothed ones too!’

‘How has he taken that during service? He better not have touched my drinks!’ Nadia said.

Emily started screeching: ‘He’s not taken it NOW, has he?!He’s not made off to the men’s.’ Emily mimed sticking a phone down her leggings.

Laurie held on to the car roof, shaking with laughter.

‘I don’t know how it works, do I!’ Nadia said.

‘You are being charged for this time,’ Donal the driver said, out of the open window.

25

Jamie

Can I talk to you privately? Vegetarian Pret at 10? It needs to be somewhere we won’t be overheard (and no one here’s vegetarian, right?) Jx

Laurie

Can’t believe you’ve escaped hearing about Kerry’s adventures in veganism with pulled jackfruit burritos, you lucky bastardSure, see you there x

An otherwise boring Wednesday, the following week, and Laurie was happy to oblige. Bail application paperwork could wait. When she approached, Jamie was loitering outside in a long coat, looking as if he might pull a bunch of flowers from behind his back. But he wasn’t smiling, brow furrowed.

‘Alright?’

‘I’ve been better, to be honest,’ he said.

‘Oh?’

Jamie put a palm to his forehead.

‘Oh God, so. This is so awkward.’

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