Page 93 of Lady of Ashes

“I can’t feel you like I used to,” she ?nally said in a rush. “I mean, our bond is there, but I can’t feel your emotions as easily. As if there is still a block. Did I …” She blew out another long breath. “Did I do something irreparable? Can you feel me? Like before?”

“I can feel you, Scarlett, just as I always have been able to whenthe bond was not blocked,” he answered, his long ?ngers beginning to make idle circles along her hip.

Relief ?ooded through her at his words, but then …

“Why can I not feel you like I did before?”

He sighed, his eyes going to the window over the tub across the room. “Just because I choose you, just because I need you in ways I cannot put into words, just because I am yours, does not mean you get my unwavering trust, Scarlett. It does not mean I will blindly believe what you say or do. It does not mean I will not question your motives. Not right now.”

She stiffened against him, ice seeming to ?ll her veins, but he continued the soothing movements on her skin despite the temperature in the room dropping. “So because you don’t trust me, the bond is not as strong for me?” she asked quietly.

“It is not that it is not as strong,” he replied with another sigh. “The distrust is some of the resistance, yes, but I can shield against the bond to a certain extent.”

Scarlett sat up at that, his arm slipping from her body, and he turned his head to meet her stare. “You are keeping me out?”

A muscle feathered in his jaw, and he pressed his tongue to his cheek. “To an extent, yes,” he ?nally answered.

“How?” she demanded.

“There are mental shields we learn when we are young, to protect against entrancing mainly, among other things. I would have taught you how to use them, but we haven’t had time with everything else going on,” he said.

“You have been giving me hell for blocking our bond, and yet you are doing that exact thing?” she asked, trying not to let her voice rise.

His features twisted into ire in a heartbeat, and he pushed himself up to a sitting position, bringing his face close to hers. “This is not even close to the same thing, Scarlett. You can still sense me. You can still feel my physical presence. You could still ?nd me if I were taken captive somewhere,” he snarled. “That is not something you can block with a mental shield, or any type of shield for that matter. I didn’t think anything could fully block the bond actually, but you certainly proved me wrong.”

Scarlett reached for a blanket at the end of the bed, wrapping it around her shoulders and tugging it tight. She tried to will some heat into her body, but it didn’t seem to make a differenceas goosebumps rose across her skin. She felt Sorin try to push some warmth into her too, but she pushed back, letting her shadows latch onto his magic and keep it from touching her. He didn’t say anything at the obvious rejection, letting her sort through things as he always had.

“So where does that leave us?” she ?nally asked, unable to bring herself to meet his eyes.

But he didn’t let that slide either. She felt his ?ngers grip her chin, tipping her head up. “I am yours, and you are mine, Scarlett Semiria. That has not changed.”

“It feels like everything has changed,” she countered.

“You are not the same as when you left,” he answered. “And neither am I.”

“Then what do we do?”

“No one said this would be easy, Scarlett. It is not a choice you make once. It is a choice we must make every day. Over and over again. Even on the hard days. Even on the days we want to throttle each other.”

“I don’t know what else I can say or do, Sorin,” she said, reaching up and swiping a lone tear from her face.

“It will take time, Love,” he answered gently, his hand resting on her knee. “It took you time to trust me again, did it not?” She swallowed thickly again, and Sorin released her chin. “Let’s rest, Scarlett. Take a proper bath if you want to. This conversation is not over. You still need to explain many things, but right now, just … rest.”

She nodded but didn’t move as he climbed off the bed, grabbing his pants and slipping them back on. He bent over her, cupping her cheek and pressing a kiss to the top of her head before he left the room. And of all things, Alaric’s words ?itted back to her while she sat alone, naked and wrapped in a blanket.

I am amused that you did so without understanding the costs of such things.

More tears slid down her cheeks. She hadn’t known.

She hadn’t known the costs.

And Alaric had trained her this way. He had trained her to trust no one. He had trained her to depend on herself, to do things on her own, to take matters into her own hands. All the while, he subconsciously taught her to rely on him. He provided her food,provided her shelter, provided her training, provided her with a family. And in the end, old habits die hard. In the end, he had still won. She may be free of his physical presence. They may have come for her and successfully extracted her from the Fellowship, but he had still won. Her relationships were all fractured. Cassius still had not woken. Cyrus was disappointed with her. She could only assume Eliza and Rayner and Briar, everyone else really, felt the same. Talwyn had been right. She didn’t fully understand everything at play here.

And Sorin? She had never seen him so angry. So withdrawn.

So hurt.

And that was on her. She had hurt him worse than he had hurt her when they had fought on the front porch here months ago. And he was right. It had taken her months to let him back in fully. She still hadn’t. Not completely. That was why they were in this mess to begin with.

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