Page 160 of Lady of Ashes

Tava seemed to contemplate this for a minute before she shrugged slightly. “We became friends of a sort, but I would not say we were particularly close.”

“Yet you still knew more of her life than I did, and we’d shared a bed for over a year before she came to your home.”

“I never asked her to be something she’s not,” Tava replied. “Just as I have never asked the people in the slums to be something they are not. No one should have to change to feel worthy of someone else.”

“She changed me,” he countered.

“But did she ask you to change, Callan?”

“No, but that doesn’t negate the fact.”

“Hmm,” she hummed.

And that sound. It always came right before she said somethingthat was going to make him reevaluate everything. Some profound statement was about to come from her mouth, and she wouldn’t even realize it.

“Do you regret any of the changes that were not forced upon you? Because if you do, then you are, of course, free to go back to how things were. No one is stopping you.”

He swirled his glass, the few remaining ice cubes clinking lightly against the sides. He didn’t regret how Scarlett had started to open his eyes to those on the streets. He didn’t regret rising to the ways she had challenged him, challenged his ways of thinking. He didn’t regret trying to help her and innocent children. He supposed as the months had worn on, though, his motivations had shifted from trying to help to trying to gain her favor. How else could he explain missing the ones only Tava seemed to remember? How else could he explain being willing to leave his people to save his own life, when he knew there were threats lurking in the shadows of his streets?

He could blame Scarlett all he liked, but she had told him, said so many times, that his fate did not reside in her darkness. He was the one who had insisted she was wrong. He was the one who had refused to accept her life in the shadows. He was the one who had hoped he could change her in the ways she had changed him. And maybe he had changed her in some ways, just not in the ways he had wanted.

No, the only changes he regretted were the bitterness and animosity that had started growing in his chest, taking root and spreading like a godsdamn wasting disease. The bitterness and the disease were one and the same if he really thought about it. Both ate away at a person until there was nothing but a shell left. One killed the body, the other destroyed the soul.

He’d been so lost in thought, he hadn’t heard Tava get up and grab her cloak from his bedroom. She re-emerged now, her ?ngers working the buttons as she walked. He was on his feet and moving toward her in the next heartbeat. “It is late.”

She gave him a half-smile, one of her brows arching in amusement. “That is why I am leaving.”

“Stay. Please.”

The grin slowly faded. “I cannot stay, Callan.”

“It can be just like before. We can say we wanted to have breakfast because we have been unable to spend much time togetherlately. You can sleep in the bed again. I will stay out here,” he said, gesturing toward the sofa where he had slept after their visit to the slums.

Tava bit her lower lip, uncertainty entering her eyes. “I do not think it is a good idea, Callan.”

“And why is that, little fox?” he asked, reaching out and brushing her hair back over her shoulder.

Her eyes fell to the ?oor. “Because there are times I think you forget this is indeed a ruse, and I do not wish to make you think that is the case.”

Callan stiffened. “I apologize if I have made you feel uncomfortable, Tava.”

“You haven’t,” she said quickly. “Truth be told, I enjoy conversing with you. I enjoy these late night visits and honest conversations. I ?nd the small talk of Court to be quite pointless and talking about things that actually matter is a breath of fresh air. Something I only had with Drake, Cassius, and Scarlett until now.”

“And you think I forget this is a ruse at times because …?”

She met his gaze, that damn bottom lip between her teeth again. “I know how to read people, Callan. You know this.”

“And if I swear I only ask you to stay because I also enjoy our conversations? That I enjoy your candidness and ?nd your honesty refreshing? That I value thefriendshipthat has formed because of this ruse?”

She shifted on her feet, her eyes staring into his intently. He had to work not to ?dget under her scrutiny. He felt as though she were somehow reading his soul. Hehadgrown incredibly comfortable with her, but that was a necessity in and of itself. If they were going to make others believe this was a real relationship, they had to be comfortable around one another. They needed to appear to have inside secrets, to share coy smiles, to be seeking to spend time together.

She ?nally said, “I cannot replace her, Callan.”

He took a step back at her words. He opened his mouth but closed it again, unable to speak because nothing would come to him.

“It may not be intentional, but I am constantly compared to her. By you. By Drake. It is in the little things. Drake reminding you that I do not have daggers strapped beneath my skirts. I see it in your eyes when I speak or when you get lost in thought.”

“She has nothing to do with this. With us. With … any of it.”

---