Page 86 of Hits Different

“I came home early for Christmas in freshman year. My dad was at a conference, and my mother was meant to be promoting some holiday movie she had a cameo in. I had no idea she was even home. I walked in on her with Andrew”. I mentally wince at the memory. “She denied it but it was pretty obvious what was going on”.

“Andrew”, Parker rolls the name around, “Why does that ring a bell?”

“He’s my godfather. Best friends with my dad since college”. My teeth graze my lips. “He swore blind it was a mistake”.

“And your mom?”

“She said that adult relationships were complicated, but that she still loved my dad. And that if I told him, he’d be so hurt that he’d file for divorce”, I swallow. “I know how much my dad loves my mom. How much her affairs nearly destroyed him the first time”.

“So you kept her secret?” There’s no judgement in Parker’s tone, which makes me feel worse. “You never told him?”

“I never told anyone. But it didn’t matter”. My tone hardens. “My mother’s a better actress than she gets credit for. She was just playing for time. She’d planned on leaving him for years. She’d signed a book deal where she was going to reveal all these so-called secrets about her marriage to re-launch her career”.

“She was going to admit to it all?” Parker winces. “In print?”

“A version of it. She’d re-written it to make it sound like I was completely on her side; that it was me and her versus my dad. She’d cast him as this cold-hearted politician who only cared about his own image, and she was this innocent, artistic figure, trapped in an ivory tower”.

“It sounds like it would have been a really, really crappy movie”, Parker says. I can’t look at him. “Brandon. It’s okay. You didn’t want your family to break up”.

“My dad’s staff got wind of the tell-all and managed to get a draft copy to him. He read in black and white how she’d been trapped in a marriage so miserable that even her son covered up her true love affair. All bullshit. But it didn’t matter. He was completely heartbroken”.

Parker shifts closer to me. “My dad got the deal killed. He either paid her off, or paid off the publishers. One of the many reasons she basically moved to Europe and only comes back to meet some of her wifely political obligations”.

“How bad was it?” Parker asks, “Did you ever read it?”

“We went away together, on what was supposed to be a father-son trip, right after my mom took off for Europe”, I remember. “He worked all day. Drank all night. Barely spoke to me. One night, we had it out. And he said, very clearly, that I had made my choice by siding with my mom, and that was that. He showed me some of the things she’d written. I flew home early, and we’ve not spoken since”.

“What kind of things? Things about you?”

“Like how having me had ruined her career as an actress”. There’s no reason for this to still hurt. I’ve always known, deep down. “And that she’d never really wanted children, but my dad had forced her into keeping me”.

His hand grips mine. “They’re going to remain pretend-married until he leaves office. He’s promoting a book of his own now. God knows what it’ll say, but it’s not going to be good”.

“He’s not going to come after you”, Parker’s eyes widen. “Brandon, you’re his kid”.

“I don’t think he sees it that way anymore. My mom spends most of her time overseas, and my dad’s mostly in Washington”.And I’m by myself.

“Did you ever, I mean, haven’t you confronted them about it?”

“Only about a million times”. I smile grimly, remembering the scene that played out two Thanksgivings ago. “My dad doesn’t believe that I didn’t know about it and chose my mom’s side, and he hates my mom for cheating on him. My mom resents me for being born. None of us have exchanged a word in private for months”.

“None of that’s your fault”.

“It doesn’t change anything. I still feel guilty. I was this thing that forced them to be together when they didn’t want to be”.

“I’m still not seeing how it’s your fault”. Parker’s voice is so gentle that I want to cry.

“I never really had a relationship with my mom. But I miss my dad. It’s only a matter of time before it all comes out. And when it does, everyone will know what I did. If I'm not a member of the Carter family, my entire value boils down to the ability to kick a soccer ball”, I force a smile. “And even that’s gone to hell”.

“That’s why you’re killing yourself to get back on the pitch?” Parker says, his tone unreadable, “So you’ll havevalue? I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your ability to kick a soccer ball isn’t actually your most attractive quality”, Parker’s lip twitches. “Honestly. Soccer is completely overrated”.

“You are aware you literally work at a soccer institution”. I pause, a desperate truth hovering on my lips. “People walk away from me, Parker. My mother. My father. The team”.

“Me?”

“Technically, I walked away from you”.

“I want you to hear me when I say this”. Parker presses his face against mine, suddenly very stern. “I’ve made a million mistakes in my life. I’ve made catastrophic fuck-ups into an actual art form. Of all the screw ups I ever made, the worst thing I ever did was not chasing you down three years ago”.

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