Page 72 of Hits Different

“Okay. So, we can figure it out together. Can’t we?” I give him a little nudge. “Isn’t that what best friends do?”

“We were best friends before, remember?” Brandon says quietly. “And I know we said we’d start fresh, but there’s something you should know. About why we stopped speaking in the first place”.

A chill runs down my spine. Brandon shifts awkwardly. “I know you said you didn’t remember anything, but that night after you went home, we had a conversation online. And you said some things. To me. About me”.

Oh God. Not this. Not now.

“I’ve tried to let it go. I really have”. There’s a thickness to his voice that reaches into my soul. “But they were the worst things anyone’s ever said to me. And now, even three years later, in my darkest moments, I’m still saying them to myself”.

My heart plummets. “I didn’t mean a single word of it”. The words tumble desperately out of my mouth before I can stop them. “I swear to you”.

Brandon’s mouth drops open. “You told me that you didn’t remember”. I reach out but he snaps his arm away. “You lied to me?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I have absolutely no memory of writing anything like that. I woke up the next morning and it was all still on the screen. I was horrified”.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you remembered?” Brandon’s voice cracks. “I’ve lived with that for three years, Parker. Three fucking years. Do you know how it felt to hear you say all those things?”

I swallow. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to hate me”.

“But you had no problem with me hating myself”.

“No!” I cry, earning a look from a passerby, “Brandon. Look at me”, I lower my voice. “That’s not how I feel. I could never feel that way about you”.

“One hour ago you grazed my hand and ran a mile. Three years ago you grabbed a hell of a lot more than just my hand, and our worlds imploded. I was broken”. Brandon closes his eyes. When he reopens them, his face has contorted into a fixed neutral expression. “Listen. Parker. It’s fine. We tried it. Let’s just get out now before either one of us gets hurt”.

“You’re not going to Dodger your way out of this. Out of us”.

“What ‘us’?” Brandon demands, “Do you really want this? Me?”

“Of course I do. I’m just not ready to… tocome out. I haven’t thought that far ahead”.

“I’m not asking you to!” Brandon says, strangled. I take a step forward but he takes one back. It’s like we’ve hit an impasse. “Do you know what it was like for me, back then?”

I shake my head slowly.

“I spent every single day hoping that you’d see me. Really see me. And you never did, and it hurt. A lot. Then that night, you did see me. We saw each other, and it was everything. And somehow, I still ended up getting hurt”, he swallows, “It took a long time to put myself back together, and I still don’t feel fixed. If I get hurt like that again, I won’t survive it”.

“I would sooner die than hurt you”.

“I know falling in love with your best friend is messed up”. He wipes his eyes angrily. “I shouldn’t have done it. I should have been stronger then. But that doesn’t make itsick. I don’t needhelp”.

“Oh my God, Brandon, Iknowthat…”

“I can be stronger now. Don’t make this harder”. Gently, he prises my hand from his sleeve. “Trust me. This is better for both of us”.

And then he walks away.

Chapter 29

Distance

Parker

It’s been a week, and it’s killing me.

I see Brandon at breakfast, sitting at a different table. We bump into each other at the gym, or in reception. He says hi. I ask how he is. He keeps walking and I stop start. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and I hate it.

It’s harder than last time. Last time, we weren’t bumping into each other. He disappeared off the face of my planet. And that made it easier to stop looking. Well, not easy. Just… less hard.

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