Page 57 of Hits Different

My whole life, I’ve only ever been with women. I lost my virginity at a party when I was barely sixteen. With the exception of Millie, sex for me has always been fun, a free transaction between two consenting adults.

The night on the beach between Millie, Brandon and I had lit something within me. A fire that continued to burn, no matter how many different girls from different bars I went home with.

I’m not ashamed of any of it. And my frisson with Brandon doesn’t cancel any of it out. I wasn’t sleeping with girls because I thought that’s what people expected from me. Let’s be honest, nobody ever really expected anything from me.

My stuff with Brandon is an ‘as well as’. Not an ‘instead of’.

Maybe you’re bisexual, my reflection suggests. Just the thought sends a fear-thrill trickling down my spine.

It’s not the first time the thought has occurred to me. But the truth of it is that whatever I am, it only seems to happen around Brandon. I grew up in locker rooms and fraternities, so I’ve noticed other guys before. It’d be weird if I hadn’t. But I’ve neverfeltanything for a guy before.

And Brandon is the only one I’ve ever acted on it with. And let’s face it, all those drunken nights in the frat house. If I’d ever wanted something to happen with some nameless, faceless dude, it could have.

But Brandon was different. Would it really be so messed up if we just tried it one more time? He had feelings for me once, but does he still? I don’t want to fuck things up. An uncomfortable truth occurs to me.

Who’s to say he would even wantme?

“Maybe we should just fuck it out of our systems”, I say out loud.

“Even for a shameless narcissist”. I jump out of my skin. Brandon stands in the doorway, a sheepish smile littering his perfectly symmetrical face. “Hitting on your own reflection is a new low”.

He’s in shorts, one leg rolled slightly higher than the other, a vest and a baseball cap. He looks just as surprised to see me as I am to see him. All my questions fly out of my head. There’s only one thing I want to say. Need to say.

“Brandon”. His name lingers softly on my lips. “I am so truly, utterly and desperately sorry”.

His jaw clenches tightly. His shoulders are raised, like he’s ready to lay into me. I swallow. Hard. I’ve had this coming. But he surprises me with the gentleness of his tone.

“I don’t like that side of you”.

It takes a second to process what he means. “The fight. Okay. I’m not a big fan of that side of me either”.

“I know you dealt with a lot of shit growing up. Stuff happened to you that shouldn’t happen to anyone. But you can’t come out swinging every time something doesn’t go the way you want it to”.

“That’s not what happened”. There’s a pause which I expect him to fill. But he doesn’t. “Don’t you want to know what actuallydidhappen?”

“It doesn’t matter”, Brandon folds his arms. “I grew up with a target on my back. You saw that more than anyone. If I took the gloves off every time someone said or did something I didn’t like, I’d be throwing down every ten seconds”.

My blood simmers at the thought of someone going after Brandon.

“You’ll get hurt. Or in trouble. Or both. I don’t want that for you. Or us, whatever that is. And I can’t get in trouble either. Not with how hungry the press are for my family”, Brandon says. “Do you understand me?”

I nod, feeling heavier.

“I mean it. If something were to happen to you…” Brandon leaves the rest of the sentence unsaid.

“It wasn’t me who got hurt, though”, I take a careful step forward. The cut above Brandon’s eye has just about healed, but it’s still visible if you know where to look. I brush his hair out the way. “Is it bad?”

“What? Oh”, my face is very close to his. “I didn’t even notice it”. I’m close enough to hear him swallow. “My sponsorship deals will survive”.

I ignore the joke. He inclines his head slightly, and I clear my throat to break the spell. But he doesn’t take a step back, and neither do I. “Since we’re being honest with each other…”.

“Is that what we’re doing?”

“Do you really think that I swoop in and save you?” He scans me. “That I like playing that part? Of making out like I’m better than you?”

I could lie. It’d be so easy. But he deserves the truth. “It wasn’t always easy. Being your best friend. Being the less better half”.

“DidImake you feel like that?”

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