Page 127 of Hits Different

Then it’s more than okay. Are you going to tell your mother?

“We’re not talking. She wasn’t on board with the whole MMA thing. Or the whole getting kicked out of college thing. Or anything really. I don’t want to be the one to break this to you, but I haven’t exactly set the world alight in your absence”.

I wouldn’t say that. You set the kitchen alight, that time, didn’t you?

“Hilarious, Dad”.

Sorry buddy-boy. It was right there. Besides, that’s not what I meant. You should trust her more. Let her in, like you let me in.

“What? Oh”, I blink, confused.“About what happened at college?”

His headstone stares back at me. Yeah. He means college.

A twig snaps underneath a shoe. I spin round, ready to defend myself against cemetery-monsters. But it’s my mom.

She’s looking at me anxiously. Not in her usual what-the-hell-did-you-do-now-Parker way, but more in an are-you-okay-way. She’s wearing a long red coat, tied neatly at the waist, but her chestnut hair is loose, blowing freely in the wind. I didn’t realise how long it still was. She’s worn it up for years.

I say the first thing that pops into my head. “The gate’s locked”.

“That old thing? I jump it all the time”.

“Youjumpit?” I echo, incredulously.

“Don’t look so surprised, Parker. I’m not that old”. She looks past me towards the headstone, and her eyes soften. “I like being here alone”. She comes to my shoulder, and rests her head gently against it.

I feel like I should step back, but I don’t. “I didn’t know you came here”.

“Of course I do”, she says softly. There’s no hint of admonishment in her voice. “It’s the only place I feel like I can still talk to him. Eight years is a long time”. The breath goes out of her. “But I don’t need to tell you that”.

“Did you”, I clear my throat, “Hear all that?”

She nods. “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop. But I’m glad I heard it. You’ve no idea the amount of times I used to listen at your bedroom door, overhearing all the secrets you used to tell your dad”. She smiles lightly. “You always belonged to him”.

“I’m so sorry, Mom”.

“What for?”

“Everything”. My voice cuts out. “I know I’m not the son you wanted. And I tried really hard to live up to everything that Dad was”.

“Sweetheart…”

“And that being into dudes is probably the latest in a long line of thingsthat I’ve done that’s going to make you sayoh what next Parker, but—”

“Parker”, she says sternly. “You must not apologise for that. Ever. I’m surprised, mostly because there was a procession of women in the revolving door that was your bedroom, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you”.

“The part where you’re constantly worried, or inevitably disappointed?”

“I shouldn’t have said that. I regretted it straight away. And we should have come to your match last night. I changed my mind at the last minute, but we got caught in traffic”.

“I won”. It feels hollow saying it, because it didn’t feel like it. “I know you thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, but I did. I worked for it. Hard”.

“Parker, it wasn’t for a second that I thought youcouldn’t do it. It was that I didn’twant youto do it. I didn’t want your father to do it. You wouldn’t have either, if you had ever seen him in a match. It’s awful, watching the person you love most make a choice that puts them in harm’s way”.

She wipes her eyes, “Losing your father was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I'mstillnot sure if I've properly dealt with it. But losing you? It would destroy me”.

I shiver. “You’re always so strong. Everyone says it. It’s like you’re steel enforced”.

“I didn’t have a choice”. There’s a quiver to her voice that I’ve never heard before, “There were so many times I wanted to fall apart, but then what would have happened to my son? My whole world. If I displayed even the slightest weakness, I’d split straight down the middle”.

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