Page 117 of Hits Different

“Sabrina’s not pregnant, if that’s what you were wondering”. I blush. “Do you think I’m moving too quickly?”

The answer is written all over my face. Freddie sighs. “It’s as simple as this: I can’t imagine my life without her. We want to be together. We fit. She’s so far out of my league it’s like she’s in another galaxy, but she doesn’t make me feel like it. Does that make sense?”

My mind drifts back to Parker.Yeah. It makes sense.

T-minus 6 hours until his fight. Not being there is killing me. But I’d never forgive myself if my presence distracted him at a crucial moment. Like when someone tries to rip his head off.

My phone is heavy in my pocket. My last attempt at a message lurks helplessly in my drafts folder.

Good luck for tonight!Too casual.

Thinking of you. Too clinical.

I miss you. Too passively aggressively guilt-trippy.

“If I'd have known it was this easy to shut you up, I’d have proposed a long time ago”. Freddie nudges me. “What’s on your mind?”

“You haven’t told me about the tour”. I artful-dodger my way out of a conversation I don’t want to have, “Proposal aside, what else did I miss?” Freddie starts telling me about a nailbiter that took place in Belgium, and my mind drifts helplessly back to Parker.

This thing we’re doing to we protect each other from getting hurt really actually fucking hurts all by itself, don’t you think?

That’s the one I keep coming back to. Because it’s true. Even though I understand where his coach is coming from, a part of me wishes he’d say he didn’t care about being seen with me. Or people knowing about us. And I’d say the same. Even though secretly I’m scared too.

I tune back into Freddie’s commentary to find we’re now in Finland. “Sounds like you had a killer time”.

“We did”, Freddie pauses, “Is Summit everything you thought it would be?”

The memory of Parker crashing up against me races through my mind. Our kiss in the rain. My bedroom by moonlight. The fleeting taste of him on my lips. “Not exactly”.

Freddie stares at me. “That’s all I get? You’ve been yapping about Summit for as long as I’ve known you”.

“I’ve been talking about playing around Europe too”. I fail in keeping my tone light. “Don’t remember getting a postcard from the other side of the Pacific”.

“Atlantic”.

“Whatever”. The knot in my stomach unravels. “Did you guys hear… anything about me? Like, online. Or something”.

He doesn’t reply. The crushing feeling in my stomach hums in a I-told-you-so kind of way. “Okay. I guess this was inevitable. Is that why there’s been radio silence since you all got back?”

“I knew this would happen. You’re in your head about the secret fucking group chat”, Freddie says, exasperated. “You can blame me. I knew you’d feel bad about missing out on the tour, and I didn’t want to rub your face in it by exposing you to the team’s daily banter. Unmissable as it was”.

“By leaving me out of things altogether?”

“You don’t think the team felt left out that you spent your summer getting world class training whilst we’re schlepping around Europe staying in shitty hostels and playing on mud-soaked pitches?”

“That’s not the same”.

“You could have shared what you were learning with them. With me”. Freddie mutters. “I’ve got scouts interested too, you know. Soccer’s my dream as much as it is yours. I’ve got a trial this afternoon”.

Freddie got a trial? I’m part stoked, because he deserves it, and part bummed, because it’s just another sign that my time in soccer is coming to an end. “Congratulations”, I manage.

“Can I help?” The salesgirl has been doing an admirable job of pretending not to eavesdrop. She flashes another smile at me. “See something you like?”

“Could I take a look at those rings, please? The opal diamond”, Freddie gestures to the tray locked under the counter. “We stayed in town last year for Sabrina’s birthday. Her grandmother’s engagement ring was just like it”.

“I’m not supposed to take the rings out without security present”, she says apologetically. “And we’re about to close. Could you come back tomorrow?”

“Is there no chance at all?” Freddie’s shoulders droop in disappointment. “I’m only in town today. I had my heart set on it”.

---