Page 8 of Roommate's Guide to Love

I stare at my principal, my jaw slacked as I hear what she’s saying. This isn’t the first time she’s caved to the fucking P.E.N.I.S Posse. They’ve had lady boners all year about books in all grade levels, and this school has submitted to them more times than not.

But this is it. My final straw. If she’s going to let these fucking dildo-nicknamed, bleach blonde bitches ban my favorite book, I’m out. I won’t let this stand. This is the hill I’m going to fucking die on with two middle fingers in the air.

“No.”

Everyone’s eyes go wide as Hargrove follows up. “Excuse me? Did you say no?”

“That’s right. I said no. I’m not changing the book. I’m not changing the lesson. And if you don’t want me to teach it, you’ll need to find another sixth grade ELA teacher for the rest of the school year.”

I sit up a little straighter, because saying just those few words gives me the confidence that has me ready to go to war.

And not just for me. But for my kids. For books. For every person in their lives who have been pushed around by the mean girls.

Because fuck them and high horses they rode in on.

“You can’t say no,” Regina says. “We don’t want it taught. Your principal doesn’t want you to teach it. Therefore you have to listen to us.”

I let out an exasperated laugh. “Actually. I don’t. Because you have no power here. You’re just a group of loud, obnoxious, bitchy mothers who want to set curriculum but didn’t even realize you have the fucking wordpenisfor the acronym of your group. You know, the word that makes every middle schooler snicker when it’s said? Imagine your children having to hear every day that their mother loves P.E.N.I.S. Oh wait, they do.”

They audibly gasp and actually clutch their pearls. I’m from the South, and I’ve never even seen that in real life.

“You can’t talk to us like this,” Taylor sputters.

“Oh, but I can,” I say as I stand up, because no one delivers a good monologue sitting down. “You’re just pissed that you’ve run for school board for the last five years and you lose every single time. So you had to gather some cronies up at Pilates class and make everyone’s lives as miserable as yours.”

“How dare you?—”

I cut Monica off. “Don’tyoudare start with me. You’ve been a pain in my ass all year, but worse, you can’t even see what harm you’re doing to your kid. Makayla is a good student and classmate who I can tell is going through something. Now I’m not a psychiatrist or a Keebler Elf, but I’m pretty fucking sure it has to do with her mother trying to force new lifestyle changes on her all in the name of a four-subscriber YouTube channel.”

Monica gasps, and I see Hargrove stand up behind her desk. I’m probably about to be fired, but I’m not done yet. If I’m going to get fired, I’m going out in a blaze of glory.

“Oh, and now you, Regina. The bane of my existence for the past three years.” If I had to place a bet on who laid the egg for this takedown, it was her. She never liked me. Probably because I wouldn’t cave to her fake demands and constant nagging of my teaching methods. “Each of your children loved my class, despite you trying to sabotage me at every turn. Your oldest still pops his head in to say hello when the high school comes to visit. Justin? The one you claim hated the book? He asked me last year if he could keep his copy, because he wanted to read it again over the summer. I know I want to keep books I hated. So really, what’s your fucking problem? Mad they learned something outside of your pea-brain views? Mad that I’m their favorite teacher? Or are you just generally unhappy with life because it’s the worst kept secret in this town that you’re a beard for your husband and you forced him to have three kids so people would stop talking? Which is it? Whatever your answer is, I know for a fact that me teaching this book is not the source of your misery, but because you have nothing better to do between Botox appointments than make other people’s lives miserable, here you are. Well, guess what? I’m not caving. I’m not budging. So I either teach the book or I quit. Your choice.”

That apparently gets my three enemies excited.

“Oh that would be wonderful!” Monica chirps up. “We just wanted the book gone, but having this teacher who forces her ideals and beliefs onto our children…”

“And teaches murder!”

The three of them nod, because they all just think they walked away with the win.

They might win the battle of having me gone, but enemies of Quinn Banks don’t win wars.

“Quinn,” Hargrove says, her voice now pleading. “Don’t teach the book. Or else you’ll leave me no choice.”

I’m flabbergasted by the words of my principal right now. So much for being on the side of your teachers. “Really? No choice?”

She thinks I’m going to stay. She thinks I’m going to cave. Sorry, Hargrove, you picked the wrong day and the wrong bitch.

And maybe some other cause, I might’ve caved. But not this one. And not today. Today I stand up for every teacher not only in this district, but in America, who are dealing with P.E.N.I.S.s all over the country.

“You know what? Fuck you. Fuckallof you. I quit.”

“Quinn,” Hargrove says, her voice now suddenly panicked. “Let’s not be rash.”

Now it’s my turn to read her for filth. “Let’s not act rash? Two seconds ago you were telling me ‘or else.’ What was ‘or else?’ Please. Enlighten me. Because I know it wasn’t about to be you actually being on the side of your teachers for once. Or maybe doing two seconds of investigating to look into what I’m doing versus what the P.E.N.I.S. bitches are complaining about. You’ve let them take over this school because you’re too chicken shit to stand up for yourself. And I refuse to work for a woman who doesn’t have my, and my fellow teachers’ backs. So yeah. I quit. I’m fucking done.”

“Quinn…what about your students?” Hargrove’s voice is now pure desperation. “You can’t possibly leave them.”

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