Page 44 of Rotten Men

“Don’t look at me like that, James. Youaremy husband,” I quip back.

“We both know that isn’t true, Beautiful.”

I choke on my own saliva and choose to downplay my actions with his usual lighthearted rebuke.

“I beg to differ, Handsome. I have the marriage certificate to prove it,” I singsong, hoping it’s enough to sway his mood.

“Yes, but I have the empty bed I’ve slept in for the past ten years to prove we are not,” he replies sternly.

“We were never about that.” I slump my shoulders, and lean my head back on the headrest, wishing we could avoid this topic altogether.

“I remember an occasion or two where we were,” he teases, sensing how uncomfortable this conversation is for me.

“You mean when too much tequila was involved, and we were at our worst? If I recall, we both regretted it the minute the sun came up.”

“True. Our relationship was never about that. Both of us are still too tied up in lost love. Sleeping alone with our ghosts has always been preferable to living a lie,” he hushes under his breath.

“James…” I whisper, patting his knee again softly, knowing exactly the pain he feels every time we broach the subject of his late wife. It’s much the same way I feel whenever he mentions the pieces of my heart.

“It’s okay, Selene. Regardless of all that, I love my life, or at least I try to. But when we came up with this plan, it was so the Outfit wouldn’t find you. You said so yourself. They were always looking for a high-class young woman, and would never even consider suspecting a modest mechanic’s wife to be the girl they were searching for. But things have changed now that you’ve gone to the ‘boss’ himself, as you call him. I would assume that since you were so forthcoming with my existence, you would have told him the truth. All of it, Selene, not just bits and pieces. It would have been the decent thing to do, don’t you think?”

“I couldn’t do that,” I stutter.

“And why not?”

“Because I just couldn’t, James! The only reason I went to Chicago was to save you from a certain death sentence, not to give them false hope. It’s best they think I’ve moved on. It’ll make it easier on them when we disappear again. It would be crueler if made them believe I was coming back when I am unable to. And anyway, I don’t want that life. I never did, especially not now.” I relent, the nervous energy bleeding out of me.

“That might be so, but you also want them. And as much as you try to push them away, that won’t ever change. I always told you that this life is a short one—too short to have so many regrets. The men you love are alive, Beautiful. Living and breathing. I would give anything for more time with Lori, and I just don’t want you to lose your chance at true happiness because of fear. You will never find the same love in someone else’s arms. You and I both have that in common.”

“James, I do love you,” I affirm, facing him so he can see the sincerity in my words.

“I know you do, Beautiful. And in my own way, I love you, too. But we both know it pales in comparison to the real deal. Now that you’ve seen them, I’m not sure you’ll be strong enough to resist the love that has been tormenting you all these years.And I for one, don’t approve of you denying yourself the chance to be happy,” he counters, and I again thank my lucky stars that James crossed my path when I needed him most.

“I know you mean well, I truly do. But you know it’s not that simple.”

“It can be. The truth will set you free, Selene. If only you let it,” he insists lovingly.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. There are too many variables to consider. Too many dangers and lies to overcome. At least this way, I’m the only one who knows the sacrifices I’m making in order to keep them safe.”

“But you aren’t the only one, are you? Remember it’s not only you who is forsaking your family. You’re also making the decision for Jude as well.”

I grind my teeth at the low blow James has resorted to make his point.

“Jude will understand. They are only names and faces on photographs for him. They’re not real to him as they are to me,” I reply harshly.

“That’s just another lie on top of the millions you tell yourself every day. Jude is clever, sensitive, and has too much of a curious mind not to question your actions. Sooner or later, he’ll want to know where he came from. And him being your son, he’ll move heaven and earth to get the answers you deny him.”

“That’s not fair. I’ve never kept him in the dark.”

“True, but you never gave him the chance to tell you what he wants, either,” James reprimands.

“My son isn’t even ten yet. He has no say on the matter. I’m his mother, and he knows that everything I do is to protect him.”

“To keep him safeguarded, yes. But what about protecting his heart, Selene? Don’t you think keeping him away from his family is doing more harm than good?”

His question is so heartfelt that I almost forget we grew up in such different realities. While James was horseback riding and climbing trees or swimming in lakes, I was being torn apart by my father, while still learning how to be the perfect mafiaprincipessa. I want Jude to have the childhood that James had, not the nightmare I escaped from.

Once another long bout of silence sets in, I sigh, relieved James is smart enough not to push the subject any further.

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