Page 70 of Worth the Risk

‘And did you? Want a child?’ Leonora asked.

My shrug felt as if it were weighted with lead. ‘As the product of a dysfunctional childhood, thoughts of fatherhood didn’t manifest without a little...trepidation and, hell, downright terror. But it was also a challenge I could see myself rising to. A chance to succeed where my parents had failed so abysmally. Penny and I talked about it on and off. But it was always a far-off prospect, not a reality snatched from me before I knew it existed.’

‘When...? How old?’ she whispered.

A ragged breath whistled out of me. ‘My child would’ve been three by now.’

Silence throbbed between us, then she cleared her throat. ‘Are you sure it... That...?’

I knew what she was asking. It was the same question I’d asked myself a million times. ‘I’ve no idea if the child was mine or not. And you know what? It didn’t even matter. Not when it comes to that. It deserved more than being a fucking bargaining chip to be discarded when things went wrong. And the funny thing is, if she’d kept the baby, I would’ve considered...maybe...’

I heard Leonora’s breath catch. ‘Maybe what?’

I shook my head, my jumbled thoughts churning a million miles per second. ‘Whatever. Doesn’t matter now.’

Silence throbbed between us. When I raised my head, Leonora’s gaze avoided mine for a long minute. ‘Does Damian know?’ she asked.

The crack inside me widened. ‘I have no clue. I might hate him now but we had similar shitty childhoods and once upon a time we had the same dreams of doing better than our parents. If he knows, then he’s going through the same hell. If he doesn’t know, then...’

Something shifted in her eyes, something I desperately wanted to explore. Cling to. ‘If he doesn’t, then you want to spare him the agony.’

It wasn’t a question.

‘It’s not a step I can bring myself to take,’ I confirmed.

‘Oh, Gideon...’

That open-tap sensation intensified, soaking up the dry dirt beneath my feet. The only trouble was that it was now turning my landscape into quicksand. Equally devastating. Equally dangerous.

I was sinking. So when Leonora lifted herself up, slid her body against mine, even though there was a hesitation in her eyes, I clung on tight.

Her surrender was conditional but it didn’t stop me from wrapping my arms around her anyway, grateful for any reprieve from my anguish.

‘I’m sorry I brought up a painful memory for you,’ she murmured.

‘You have the power to make it go away, even for a little while. Take it, Leonora.’

‘Yes.’

She offered me her lips. I took them. But as I lost myself in her, my question came back to haunt me.

What did I have to lose?

I’d asked her if she cared about me.

She’d never answered.

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