Page 119 of Black Sheep

“Yes, it’s real. I’m pregnant.” Emotions tumble from my own voice, but I can’t name which one is paramount.

I watch stunned as his trembling hands cup my face. He rains kisses amid shocked laughter, harsh breathing.

Then he falls to his knees.

Gentle hands cradle my hips, tug me close. Reverent lips kiss my flat belly. When he looks up, his eyes are shining. “God, I love you, Cleo. I love you so much. And I love this baby. Our baby. I love…” he slows to a stop when he glances back up at me. “You’re not happy.”

“I…I don’t know what I am,” I reply honestly.

His face goes slack. Pale. He swallows and climbs back to his feet. “What does that mean?”

“I just found out. I’m thrilled you feel this way—”

“But you’re not? You don’t want the baby?” His voice is a charred mess.

“Yes, I do.” That is a certainly that blazes in my heart.

But he goes paler. “But you’re not thrilled about it because I’m the father.”

Oh God. “No, that’s not—”

“Try that again. And look into my eyes when you deny it.”

My chest burns with love. With anguish. “Axel.”

He staggers back a step. Then another. I can’t work out how his eyes can be both desolate and fierce. His voice commanding but oh, so vulnerable.

“Okay, before we go further I need to say this. I love you. But it’s not the kind of love that is selfless enough to let you go. My love is the fucking selfish kind. The kind that will demand to have you in my arms when I go to sleep at night. The kind that will insist on seeing your face every morning, no matter what. The kind that will shatter kingdoms for the right to be a father to this baby. I’m the selfish bastard who needs you to breathe. So tell me what penance you demand and let me pay it. I will spend the rest of my life paying if need be. Because we need to learn to live with this together. Because nothing but death will cut it for me.”

My mouth drops open, but no words emerge. He stares at me for a rigid second before he veers away, his stride jerky with the same agony twisting through me. A second later, he leaves the room.

I sag onto the bed, the tests still clutched in my hand. Opening the nightstand drawer, I drop them in, then I lie back on the bed.

My hand finds my belly.

It’s okay. It’s going to be okay, I lie to my child. To myself.

Because what else can I do? I love Axel Rutherford with everything that I am. But I’m terrified that microscopic bubble of darkness that abhors what he’s done will one day explode.

Can I live with that darkness? Smother it with the love fused with my soul for him? Buy us both time for a chance at the happiness that is owed to us?

Yes…Yes. I swallow. Rise.

I find him in his office. He watches me cross the room, his face a twisted mask of hope and desperation as I crawl into his lap, my arms sliding around his neck. Strong arms bind me to him. His lips find my crown. And he stays there, shuddering, breathing me in.

“I love you,” he vows. It’s a promise and a sentence.

I bask in both.

We stay there for an hour. Or maybe it’s a minute.

We have time.

We have time.

We have time.

Boy, am I wrong.

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